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When does R "end"?

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Theradin posted 4/22/2013 19:18 PM

This may sound like a silly question, but I have to ask because I really don't know.

Does R ever "end", so to speak? Or are you always in R, so long as you're still with your same WS? I know if you move on to another relationship you are no longer in R, but if you decide to stay with your WS and do R, do you ever, like, 'complete' R? Or are you always in R? Kind of like a drug addict who quits drugs is always in "recovery" for the rest of his/her life. Well, is it the same for a couple who does R?

Another piece to why I'm wondering is because I've told myself that if my WS and I are going to have another child, I don't want to be 'dealing with' the A anymore. I want it to be completely a thing of the past (provided there are no A relapses, lies, etc.). So, if you are always in R, is it ever really all behind you and in the past?

Any and all comments/advice more than welcome!

Thanks so much!

0115 posted 4/23/2013 07:36 AM

I think it does. We're 2+ years out and though we're not done yet, for the first time I am able to "look back at" and not feel like it is happening in our lives now.

I think you're smart to finish this journey before having another child so it doesn't taint the pregnancy. The additional hormonal changes could throw you some curve balls I wod think.

Good Luck.

karmahappens posted 4/23/2013 08:03 AM

I think R does come to an end.The A becomes your past but it will influence your life going foward, I think, forever. It's a major life-altering event and it changes your blue-print.

But it does fade and become woven into your past, part of your story but not the main plot anymore.

The one thing you need to continue to do is grow, heal and walk together .... for the rest of your lives.

We are almost 6 years out from dday. 5 years 3 months from our decision to R. I would not consider the A to be a decision in our future any longer.


painpaingoaway posted 4/23/2013 08:19 AM

For us, I really am not sure if R actually ends, but it sort of morphs into another R, 'Renewal'.

tushnurse posted 4/23/2013 08:20 AM

Yes it can come to end, or reach completion. For each of us it follows it's own timeline.

I think the big thing that allowed us to say we were R'd was that he truly understood what caused him to have the A. He fixed what was broken. He became a great man again. He put, me and our family first in everything he did/does.

It took about 2-2 1/2 years for us to get there. But we did. I thought ours was a bit faster than others because he was out of work for about 9 months, and was really able to focus on us. If he had been working full time during that time I think it would have taken longer.

But I must also add that I knew we were going to make it much sooner than that. Probably at about the 6 month mark I started to feel comfortable in the fact that we would survive this. And we did.

Lucky posted 4/23/2013 15:23 PM

For us, I really am not sure if R actually ends, but it sort of morphs into another R, 'Renewal'.

Exactly. And add 'Refresh'. I think when you go from 'reconciling' to 'refresh' it feels like you are becoming more peaceful and don't need to 'work' at the marriage/reconciliation quite as hard, it becomes a pleasure to make your partner happy.

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