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Newest Member: aheartbrokenwife (61814)

User Topic: When does R "end"?
♂ 38518
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may sound like a silly question, but I have to ask because I really don't know.

Does R ever "end", so to speak? Or are you always in R, so long as you're still with your same WS? I know if you move on to another relationship you are no longer in R, but if you decide to stay with your WS and do R, do you ever, like, 'complete' R? Or are you always in R? Kind of like a drug addict who quits drugs is always in "recovery" for the rest of his/her life. Well, is it the same for a couple who does R?

Another piece to why I'm wondering is because I've told myself that if my WS and I are going to have another child, I don't want to be 'dealing with' the A anymore. I want it to be completely a thing of the past (provided there are no A relapses, lies, etc.). So, if you are always in R, is it ever really all behind you and in the past?

Any and all comments/advice more than welcome!

Thanks so much!

BH (me): 35
WW: 34
1 kid (7 y/o)
multiple affairs spanning our entire 11-year marriage
multiple d-days over the last 3 years (most recently: 1/3/2016)
divorced and finally released from this prison: 2/26/2016

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 31740
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it does. We're 2+ years out and though we're not done yet, for the first time I am able to "look back at" and not feel like it is happening in our lives now.

I think you're smart to finish this journey before having another child so it doesn't taint the pregnancy. The additional hormonal changes could throw you some curve balls I wod think.

Good Luck.

BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Apr 2011
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think R does come to an end.The A becomes your past but it will influence your life going foward, I think, forever. It's a major life-altering event and it changes your blue-print.

But it does fade and become woven into your past, part of your story but not the main plot anymore.

The one thing you need to continue to do is grow, heal and walk together .... for the rest of your lives.

We are almost 6 years out from dday. 5 years 3 months from our decision to R. I would not consider the A to be a decision in our future any longer.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For us, I really am not sure if R actually ends, but it sort of morphs into another R, 'Renewal'.

Me, BS, 58
Him, WS 61
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7192 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it can come to end, or reach completion. For each of us it follows it's own timeline.

I think the big thing that allowed us to say we were R'd was that he truly understood what caused him to have the A. He fixed what was broken. He became a great man again. He put, me and our family first in everything he did/does.

It took about 2-2 1/2 years for us to get there. But we did. I thought ours was a bit faster than others because he was out of work for about 9 months, and was really able to focus on us. If he had been working full time during that time I think it would have taken longer.

But I must also add that I knew we were going to make it much sooner than that. Probably at about the 6 month mark I started to feel comfortable in the fact that we would survive this. And we did.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13417 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For us, I really am not sure if R actually ends, but it sort of morphs into another R, 'Renewal'.

Exactly. And add 'Refresh'. I think when you go from 'reconciling' to 'refresh' it feels like you are becoming more peaceful and don't need to 'work' at the marriage/reconciliation quite as hard, it becomes a pleasure to make your partner happy.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 6

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