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Contacting OW

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betraydtwice posted 4/22/2013 22:46 PM

Lately I've been thinking alot about contacting OW. Lots of things my H told me need some clarity.

For some reason I feel a need to hear things from her side. The OW is unfortunately a Family member. I know you all say she will lie.

I think it's because he has lied the entire past year, and I need some verification that he is now telling the truth.

I also feel that I must let the OW's boyfriend know what kind of person she is.

IDK very confused. H is being good and trying, but I am having a hard time letting go of these thoughts.

Even though the worst of it happened a year ago, I keep going over it and over it. I guess it's because I found out now.

H has a lot going on right now with his own family, and his work. I don't want to put more on him right now so I am trying to give him a break.

It's very hard though, so many questions... Trying to act strong and confident, but don't really feel confident

I keep thinking about how young she was. Not older and slightly saggy. lol He tells me he loves me and he doesn't think that way so I shouldn't either.

This stuff sure does a number on your head. Before this I was very confident and now..not so much.

julesinpain posted 4/22/2013 22:54 PM

I would contact her if you feel she will clarify things for you and it will help you heal. I am sorry a family memeber did this to you!! My so called friend did it to me! I am able to discard her. It can not be easy when it is a family member that you will most likely always see around. :(

She may lie, or maybe she will step up and help you out! My husbands OW was younger too! That part sucks for me also!!

betraydtwice posted 4/22/2013 23:06 PM

Fortunately she is a long lost relative, which I can happily lose again..

It sucks when you put your trust into another woman. I think it's her betrayal that hurts me more.

I feel that men will always try and it's up to the woman to say no. Don't get me wrong, I am REALLY pissed at husband but I "expected" her to care for me, both as her family and as a woman.

But I think the real hurt from her is that I brought her into my home and welcomed her with open arms..Little did I know she would come and decimate my marriage

Titanium posted 4/22/2013 23:23 PM

I feel the exact same way as you. I did go and see the OW 6 months after she rang and told me about the affair and also was quote "letting me know she was going to fight me for my husband".....COW! That added to my rage and hate for this disgusting creature. It was always on my mind to go and see her not to be hurtful or violent but for clarity and answers. I felt that she would tell me the truth because she would think that it would hurt me and I would kick my husband out and she could have him them. I went when I knew the time was right. I was calm. I asked straight forward questions. I also informed her before I questioned her that nothing she would say to me would hurt me as I knew everything. Even saw the photos (that's another disgusting topic)If you feel in your heart that you can and need to do this for yourself then do it. Do not think about how it will affect your husband. He created it remember. This is about YOU healing from this ultimate selfish act. If your husband loves you, wants you, he will understand. Tip: when you ask her a direct question and she tells you, do not answer her or show emotion. Be very cool and calm. This will intimidate her and she will tell you everything you want to know. You need to be strong and ready for it. I found it extremely empowering. Dress yourself up, look hot and sexy and your confidence will back you up. You go girl!! Power to you :)

Titanium posted 4/22/2013 23:24 PM

oh P.S tell the boyfriend. he deserves to know before he suffers more betrayal at the hands of this selfish POS.

betraydtwice posted 4/22/2013 23:38 PM

Thanks Titanium, ironically, I was in grocery store and the song titanium came on. HUGE trigger for me, it was one of her favorite songs. Tried my hardest to control my emotions until I got home. I lost it at home, told him that I can't even go in my own house because I see that bitch there in my head.

He came to me and held me, told me that he loved ME, not her always me. He also told me that this is OUR house and she has no part of it. He told me when he looks here or there it's us he sees not her.

He has been good about reassuring me.. Thank god

Thanks for your advice, I think you are 100% right, about how to go about it. So glad to have people that understand :). Hope all is well for you too. I will tell the boyfriend because I believe he deserves to know the truth. I will definitely remember your tips, I think they are great.

Happydays posted 4/23/2013 00:36 AM

Contacting OW might not get you the whole truth or relief, but, you should definitely contact the OW's boyfriend.

gettingthere2013 posted 4/23/2013 14:28 PM

I had to do it,too...HAD to. Hell knows I didn't freaking want to. Fought it for a week,gave in. As far as OW contacts go,it was good...great,even. She answered all my questions,apologized profusely,promised no further contact with WH,confirmed dates,times,the nature of their relationship. Whatever you think of the OW,she was not...even though she is-and I don't hesitate to call her those names :) She and I had a very civilized exchange.

However well that went, still left me feeling empty. The answer I really wanted wasn't going to be found with her/from was only going to come from WH. I liked having the details least there was some shit WH wasn't lying about,and in these early days,I cling to that for hope- you may be the same way.

Good luck with whatever contact path you choose.

Jada52 posted 4/24/2013 09:42 AM

I have a note written to the OW, not sure I will ever send it. "You are a pathetic low down dog to go after a married man. I hate you and hope karma rips your rotten heart out"

She knows exactly how this feels, her 3rd husband cheated on her while she took care of her dad. Wonder what makes her think mine won't cheat on her if he cheats with her? My counselor said not to have any contact with her, but I so want to blast her.

Chefj9 posted 4/24/2013 09:56 AM

I blasted the OW, she was unremorseful and defended WH. I regret it now, because I would like to ask her some questions to verify some information that I'm pretty sure has been minimized. Every day I go back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should try to contact her again.... so far I have managed to restrain myself.

I keep asking myself, if I find out that he lied again, or lied by omission, is it going to make a difference? It probably would, but then I'd have to question whether or not she was being truthful. What a mess.

I think I would contact her if you think the clarity will help you and if you think she'd be honest.

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