My DS answers are cute and speak to playing with friends or a cool sword he figured out how to make in Legos. However, DD, her answers, I don’t even want to hear about post her being with their Other Family.
Tonight, it was how they are building an in ground fire pit. Ironically, DD said, “like the ones you have on Pinterst with the colored broken glass that is on fire.” I fake a, “oh, so cool. Do you like it too?”
A month ago, she told me that they have tickets to go to Bruno Mars and later to Pink, also. I didn’t even know Bruno Mars was coming to town.
Before that it was how her other family was going to Texas (and they did 8 days later)… You get the picture.
Next, I spend the rest of the evening (every other Monday to be exact) trying not cry because I am so jealous, because I know I cannot do those things with kiddos, because I feel like I am being held together with rubber bands and glue dots and they are so put together.
I am just not sure what to do anymore.
I really want to tell DD to stop telling me these things, but she is 13 and really just trying to share her excitement about things. I don’t ever worry that she doesn’t love me or loves them more. She is not trying to hurt me, yet, I just once would love for her to tell me something crappy.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Maybe this will be helpful to know. I've been attending a divorce support group here in my town. One woman in the group was the WW in her first marriage. She quickly divorced her BH and married the OM within a year. Well, she is now divorcing that OM five years later. She said that even after she married this OM she often missed her XH. She said she even cried herself to sleep at night sometimes wondering what she had done. She realized that she had made a rash decision leaving her family for this guy. She said it was no surprise her second marriage to OM failed.
So while our X's might appear to have it all together, they probably don't.
And, no, their life probably isn't as happy as they're making it sound. At least not if they're authentic people at all, because then they'd have to face the reality of who they are and what they did.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
Try to think of it like this...your x and ow have to keep one upping themselves to continue to seem amazing. This is not the grounds for a good stable father-daughter relationship. Your daughter may feel bad somewhere inside that she can't do these things with you...hence the unabashed excitement in telling you all about the 'cool' stuff.
Let them waste all their money...you still reap a benefit since your daughter is sharing her life and excitement and joys with you.
This will be the plan: I am going to try to ask DD the question a bit differently in two weeks. I am not sure how I will reword it, but if I just get a "yes" or "no" answer, I will still be staying with 'tradition' of the question, but not get the detail (which hurts me). DD can answer and hopefully, not add detail. (I have no interest in digging for detail either, so the urge to find out the fun or why there was no fun, is null). If that doesn't work, I am so going with a food question. She has to have eaten :) !!
From that point I can change the subject to music or sports (DD loves them). :)
I know I am still going to get some detail from their lives from their other family, but hopefully, in time, I will at least be better at redirecting the conversation.
And it hurts because I cannot do this stuff with her because of money. It sucks mainly because I miss her so much, and also the thought of her spending so much time with that whore makes me sick. But I know why they do it. They do it to try to make up for the damage they did to DD. But my DD is smart, and she doesn't fall for it. She doesn't ever want to go on trips with them, but does just because she doesn't want to make him mad. So I may not be able to take her on expensive trips, but she knows that I am the one parent who is there for her, who takes care of her and would never hurt her. How do I know this? Because she tells me this. They are taking her on yet another Disney trip in a couple of weeks. And, by the way, how many times can you go to Disney World? I mean it's crazy! They have been together for three years and have been to Disney World four freakin times! And as the next trip approaches, I will go through my usual emotions and feelings of inadequacy, not to mention the disdain that the OW is there, spending time with MY daughter, but I know in my heart that my daughter respects and loves me. She does not respect or love (or even like) the homewrecker, no matter where they take her or what they buy her. And she certainly doesn't respect her father.
My aunt's husband left when the cousin was 6 weeks old. My aunt had to move in with my grandma, and money was really tight for her for a while. The ex, on the other hand, was apparently loaded (or indebted). He did not approve of cousin's Wal Mart (in the UK so Asda really) clothes, so he had a wardrobe of fancy kids clothes at his house for her. She wasn't allowed to take those clothes back to her mom's. He signed her up for ballet and swimming, but only on his weekends. They vacationed in the Seychelles and other far flung tropical locales.
Now? She doesn't have much to do with her dad. Her mom did remarry and her financial picture did improve. However, my cousin saw through her dad. Despited all the fancy things, he was and is an asshole, and wasn't really a good father in an emotional sense. My cousin picked up on that. She is really close with her mom. She understands which parent was there for her, and which was just all show.
Kids are smart.
Be the parent you KNOW your kid needs. Not the one that looks good to the general public. Real parents take the time to know their kids.
I know you know this... thought I would give you a glimpse into your future.
Kids have this amazing knack of smiling brightly to let you know they are OK. If they are OK be glad of it.
It won't always hurt like this. You'll feel stronger and stronger as the weeks and months go by. Remind yourself that there's always an upswing coming right after a downswing on this damned rollercoaster.
Disney parents are generally that way for a reason. They are not able to have real and meaningful relationships with their children so they shower them with 'stuff'. Quite frankly it is lazy parenting and kids see right through it.
I'm showering my girls with love, respect - my undivided attention. I am interested in them and their lives. They are a priority in my life and I make sure they feel it. I back up my words with actions - I am stable and consistent.
I show them every single day that I am the luckiest mummy in the world to have girls like them in my life.
When I'm feeling down I put on a brave face for them but I don't overdo it. I want them to see how healthy people cope in tough times. I want them to witness healthy coping mechanisms as a salve to the unhealthy coping mechanisms running rife in the other half of their lives.
What you have with your kids is *real*. You are there for them, you love them and you are the one that is giving them the solid foundation they need. He's just supplying some of the decoration.
Your kids know this.
It's sad, and it's hard, and I don't want the OW playing any sort of role in my children's lives either, especially while my children are young and see things like bowling, making treats in the kitchen, and getting little gifts and candy as fun, fun, fun! It's hard for me to hear about, but I know that I don't have any other choice at the moment, and I try to take some comfort in the fact that the OW is being nice to my kids for now. But it is important to acknowledge this sort of parenting for what it is-- shallow, misguided, and likely to backfire when the kids get older and can see the forest for the trees. Hang in there.
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scens with everyone else's highlight reel"
(my own t/j) That and it was great when I asked if they wanted to wish their other mom a happy Mom's day and my DS immediately said, "why?" and my DD said, "later (aka - I will conveniently forget)"
Be the parent you KNOW your kid needs... Real parents take the time to know their kids.