it's been so long since I have been on this site after my wifes affair and dday in july last year. We have done a lot of things together right, and I feel that trust is coming back faster than I could have imagined.
I have a woman here, who made a very hurtful set of choices after a tragic part of our lives. A woman who's affair, and the scheming and straight up evil ways are very uncharacteristic of her. She is a good person, and a fantastic mother. She has been faithful, I can feel that and know it is true.
I think the problem is me.
I have tried every method to move forward completely, and become a family in its fullest again. Counseling together and apart, talking with fiends and family, filling my time, and just enjoying myself and our son. Then also, the worst things, which seem to stay as an occasional security blanket.
It's been 9 months, I believe she means well, she lives her life like *normal*?
She's home with me every night, all of it. attentive, tactful, understanding.
My dilemma... I'm living as a father, being a great daddy again, after being a wreck and distant to everyone. I am performing well at work, I am indulging in my interests again.
Triggers, apparent or not, are still pretty damn strong and overwhelming. I get sick, I hate her, I still want to hurt the OM, I want to scream at her and leave her. I get very upset. I don't break shit any more, not punching things til I break it or a finger. (Temper was a big point in therapy)
I am back to inconsistent (but often enough) restlessness. Some days I have to be inebriated in some way or the anxiety will make me start a conflict. I always feel horrible after having an emotional blowout.
I'm getting worked up just typing all that, so I'll finish up.
I'm not as happy as I'd like to be, sometimes she still disgusts me in a wretched way, about once a day I think about giving up on us entirely. I still have nights where I have to sleep in the office. Those same nights, I have to drink until I'm exhausted, and spend the whole time loathing life.
I just want to be with her again. I want to feel secure in our future. I just want to be IN LOVE.
that was just a piece of my mind.