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9 months out. Just need an answer fix.

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justfaithful posted 4/23/2013 02:31 AM

it's been so long since I have been on this site after my wifes affair and dday in july last year. We have done a lot of things together right, and I feel that trust is coming back faster than I could have imagined.
I have a woman here, who made a very hurtful set of choices after a tragic part of our lives. A woman who's affair, and the scheming and straight up evil ways are very uncharacteristic of her. She is a good person, and a fantastic mother. She has been faithful, I can feel that and know it is true.
I think the problem is me.
I have tried every method to move forward completely, and become a family in its fullest again. Counseling together and apart, talking with fiends and family, filling my time, and just enjoying myself and our son. Then also, the worst things, which seem to stay as an occasional security blanket.
It's been 9 months, I believe she means well, she lives her life like *normal*?
She's home with me every night, all of it. attentive, tactful, understanding.
My dilemma... I'm living as a father, being a great daddy again, after being a wreck and distant to everyone. I am performing well at work, I am indulging in my interests again.
Triggers, apparent or not, are still pretty damn strong and overwhelming. I get sick, I hate her, I still want to hurt the OM, I want to scream at her and leave her. I get very upset. I don't break shit any more, not punching things til I break it or a finger. (Temper was a big point in therapy)
I am back to inconsistent (but often enough) restlessness. Some days I have to be inebriated in some way or the anxiety will make me start a conflict. I always feel horrible after having an emotional blowout.
I'm getting worked up just typing all that, so I'll finish up.
I'm not as happy as I'd like to be, sometimes she still disgusts me in a wretched way, about once a day I think about giving up on us entirely. I still have nights where I have to sleep in the office. Those same nights, I have to drink until I'm exhausted, and spend the whole time loathing life.

I just want to be with her again. I want to feel secure in our future. I just want to be IN LOVE.

that was just a piece of my mind.

Diva0702 posted 4/23/2013 02:48 AM

Most emphatically normal justfaithful. I think everyone here would agree that reconciliation is a monumentally more difficult journey than the alternative of upping sticks and leaving. This says more about who WE are than our S's. Tenacious and willing to attempt the journey is honest and goes some distance to show that we are prepared to allow them to prove themselves worthy of our attention.

We choose to stay because we are people who hold the belief that there is still some good in our relationships, though it might be deeply concealed for the interim.

We still have some measure of hope that we will see that goodness that was in evidence when we exchanged vows of devotion.

I am certain that no matter how long it has been since R has been worked on, there will ALWAYS be times in our lives (albeit rare or periodic) when we look at our S and briefly see the gargoyle they once were, and that's okay because our long term memory is made to store information for a LONG TIME. It's how we forgive ourselves for those moments and live on in our lives seeing our S's become someone we WANT to stay beside.

I hope this goes a little way to helping jf!

justfaithful posted 4/23/2013 03:08 AM

Thanks Diva! Cheers!

Jrazz posted 4/23/2013 04:53 AM

Very normal, justfaithful. I switched from alcohol to benadryl for a while on those nights where I needed something else to carry me off to sleep.

They say that it takes 2-5 years to get back to feeling "normal", or at least that the relationship that you have with your FWS is sustainable. I'm a believer in the timeline.

The fact that you feel like trust is coming back means that more and more feelings of love will hopefully be close behind.

Hang in there. You're doing great, even though you might not feel like it at times.


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