"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

mchercheur posted 4/23/2013 06:05 AM

H got angry that I did not want to celebrate it.
I told him that thinking about that day makes me sad. That when he cheated, he ended that marriage, & since then we have started a new marriage, hopefully this one will be better.
He stated that is ridiculous, that our marriage just went thru some ups & downs.
Then he said we should quit MC, it doesn't seem to be helping---if I still feel this way.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:23 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/23/2013 06:13 AM

Oh boy - he just doesn't get it.
I'm so sorry. 7 years later I am finally to a place to celebrate our anniversary again.

our marriage just went thru some ups & downs

*just* some ups & downs... those would be trouble with a job, health issues, kid issues... Infidelity is not just a *just*. Has he done any true work on himself? From this post, it surely doesn't sound like it.

Anniversaries are hard enough after an A with a supportive spouse that gets it. I can imagine the heartache of that day with a guy that doesn't.

mchercheur posted 4/23/2013 06:20 AM

Thanks Lucky.
Good to know I'm not crazy.
Almost 2 yrs out, & it has been slow going.
In MC, I feel like I am pushing WH uphill-----he really doesn't want to be there----thinks he is doing me a favor by going. He really doesn't want to do any work on himself.
I realize that I have been keeping my sadness in, so that WH doesn't feel bad.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:24 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 4/23/2013 06:29 AM

He stated that is ridiculous, that our marriage just went thru some ups & downs.

How convenient for him. Seriously, minimizing cheating to one of marriage's 'downs' completely invalidates the devastating effects of it. No wonder why you're keeping your sadness in. Which, btw, stop doing that. Don't hide your feelings. It's necessary for your healing to feel them, let them out, and address them. Don't worry about BH feeling bad if you express them. He needs to be forced to realize the pain he has caused you and the damage to the marriage.

Then he said we should quit MC, it doesn't seem to be helping---if I still feel this way.

No, you still feel this way because he wants you to rugsweep. He needs to realize you can't wish it all away, make believe it's not so bad to make it not so bad.

Tell him that if MC isn't working, it's time to find a new one, because you're definitely not in a state of being done with MC.

I'm sorry your H is being so insensitive to your needs and feelings.

mchercheur posted 4/23/2013 16:33 PM

Thanks for the replies. I agree with you.
I am feeling so discouraged today.
I got my hopes up a week & a half ago because WH registered on this site & went on briefly a couple of times, but has not continued. He throws me a few crumbs, then goes back to his old habits.
We still have many of the same problems in our marriage that were there before his A.
He doesn't want to look at anything----doesn't see the need to.
I really want to try to make our marriage work, but I can't do it alone.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 4:33 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

heartache101 posted 4/23/2013 16:51 PM

(((mchercheur)))

Look it is simple..
He needs to get another job. He needs to be away from this woman. He has lied before he can and will lie again.

I am truly sorry you are in this position. I was there to and my spouse was the super over the 2 APs. I am sorry I really am.
Lesson I learned is the kids have to see you stand up for yourself too.
So does he see any issues with him working with her?
Sorry I really am.

You can't celebrate a marriage that isn't putting YOU first! Until you feel safe you won't be able to be secure within the marriage.
He needs to get that and find another job or transfer if he can.

julesinpain posted 4/23/2013 17:46 PM

I am sorry he is not getting it about the Anniversary thing!! I too have been thinking alot about this lately! And wth! Quit MC because you are not ready to celebrate your anniversary?? That is just not right. He needs to be more sensitive.

My WH actually said, "Are we really not going to celebrate that day anymore?" With a sad look on his face. I feel he has no right to even question if I do or don't want to celebrate that day!! I feel he has no right to make me feel guilty in anyway if I do not want to celebrate what was once a happy occasion for us! He was physical with OW in the same exact park he married me in a couple days before our 18th wedding anniversary and then he even called her on our day!!

Not sure what I am going to do yet when the time comes. I did however like what one poster had written to me on my post.

kourt090 wrote to me and I wanted to share with you. Still not sure though what I will do, but I liked this.

kourt090 worte:

I feel like he violated our anniversary by carrying on his A during it and I wanted to pick a new day to celebrate but WH pointed out that if we DID change our "anniversary" date then every time it came up, we would remember that the reason why we changed it was because of the A. In some ways, it would make our anniversary even MORE overshadowed by the A. Does that make sense? He suggested that instead of changing our A, we continue to celebrate it on the real date we were married and that we make it very special each year. Not just flowers and dinner. He's right. The A took enough away from our marriage as it was, we didn't need to let it take our anniversary completely away, too, we needed to reclaim it. One of these next few years we will use that date to renew our vows and sort of "start fresh".

Right now i feel we need to do what is best for us and what feels okay for us! If they don't like it, that is just too bad!!

mchercheur posted 4/24/2013 20:43 PM

Am feeling the worst I have felt since Dday.
WH does not want to look at anything. Does not want to read anything. Does not want to come on this site again because it involves talking about his A, He wants us to "get over it & move on."
He actually turned on the game , again, when I tried to talk to him about it.

I give up. I don't think this R is going to work. I give up on pushing him to go to MC.
I don't want to be the police anymore, trying to find out if he saw OW today at work.
I have never been his priority. I definitely wasn't when he was in PA with OW.

I guess I will "fake it till I make it" or "play the part" until our kids are launched. I am too worried about how it would affect the kids to disrupt their world right now.
Once we have an empty nest, I will free myself from this.
I would rather be alone and free than be alone in this marriage.