I've been having a horrible time for the past week+, due to what I'll call DDay #2 antiversary. Last year, at this time, I went through arguably the toughest time of the whole A. It was a two week period of hell, in which my W fell back into the "addiction" of the A and OM. Lots of private messages between the two, scheming on what and how his W was going to be told about the A, finally concluding on May 4th with true NC finally being achieved.
On that day is when I was finally told about all the details of the A. The sex, the sneaking around, the depth of the lies and deception. It was far more extensive than what I knew/believed for 7+ months.
Besides the DDay #2 disclosure, I am really struggling with my W's behavior and actions during those two weeks before it. It's so vivid to me right now. We had, what I thought, been making good progress during the 7 months leading up to that. Addressing pre-A issues, my depression and withdrawn-ness... I had accepted she had fallen out of love with me, but at that point, she had rediscovered it, and was sure she wanted to be with me. But then, due to circumstances with OM's wife and a health issue, they were thrown together a few times as she was helping out with their kids, and fell down the rabbit hole all too easily again. It's just fucking baffling to me how, at that point, it could happen again. To say she was a mess is a massive understatement.
Anyway, I know this is all in the past, and we've been good progress in the past year. I have tools and whatnot from therapy and books I've read to try and help keep perspective, keep in the present. I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. But...
My main support system is simply communication with my W. And that's a problem at the moment. She is PMS'ing for the past 3 days. We have had some very bad experiences over the past 18 months when it comes to her PMS, the A, and my feelings. Two times in particular, I thought it was over between us. Just fucking done. Her defensiveness (which she has been in control of normally, for a while now) can turn into aggression. She has said some nasty things, not too mention what I perceive as a complete lack of empathy.
So, on Sunday, when I started to talk to her about all of this, she told me it's Day 9, meaning 9 days before she's due. Yes, this shit lasts over a week, every 28 days. Some months it's better, some months not so much. Flip a coin, never know what you're gonna get. So, I shut down with her. Nothing but day-to-day stuff with the kids and whatnot. I don't know what else to do, except avoid conversation with her, because frankly, I know I cannot handle one more dose of her PMS-driven defensiveness when I'm feeling this low and fragile.
The air is thick between us right now, and I just feel very alone. The few people I talk with IRL about A stuff just don't really understand antiversaries, nor the time and work it takes to R. It sucks, but I think unless/until someone goes through it, they just can't really understand it. I know pre-A, I certainly wouldn't have been real empathetic with a friend who was 18 months out from catching his W and best friend together.
So, glad y'all are here to listen. I'm really hoping that after May 4th, I get back to where I was just a few weeks ago, emotionally. There are no more "1st" antiversaries after that; all clean-time going forward.
[This message edited by DWBH at 9:45 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]