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Darksideofme posted 4/23/2013 10:11 AM

Another question popped in my head. Before Dday my bs was having some issues during intimate times. After he has not had issues but has been getting angry during and then neither of us can finish.

During these times what should I do. Cause i just want to stop and crawl in a hole. I will usually be enjoying myself then I can feel him start getting mad. Then I'm thrown off guard and dont want to continue. I think he maybe having insecurities since my A's were physical.

I can honestly say that the physical part of my A's was never satisfying but more disappointing then anything. My BS in all reality has been the only person to really satisfy my physical needs.

How do I help him during times like this???

Thanks for any advice.

heartbroken2012 posted 4/23/2013 12:34 PM

No stop sign....so a BS perspective...

It sounds like he is having mind movies. He is imagining you getting so much enjoyment from the AP. I do that when my WH and I are together. And it hurts. And the A makes the BS have even more insecurities. I had some before...and I definitely have more.

My Wh tells me that the sex wasnt that good either in the A....but.....it kept happening...so in the BS mind....it must have been good.

My advice is just talk to him about how hw is feeling, be patient and loving.

Darksideofme posted 4/23/2013 13:11 PM

Thanks for the response heartbroken2012. I can see that as being an issue. I take it that it just happens. Otherwise im not sure why he would engage me during such thoughts.

The reason my A's were physical even after i knew i didnt care for it was because I felt like thats what they expected and I felt like that was my give for my take... I also wanted to feel a bond that wasnt there. I was just trying to justify myself in that aspect. If they loved me then it was ok...

Smh... The many things you tell yourself to not feel like a bad person.

I will try to put my feelings aside next time to ask the question. I know durning these times i often feel rejected and push away. Maybe if we stop and address the issue we can finish on a better note.

Thanks again for your input

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 4/23/2013 14:11 PM

BS here, Fucking mind-movies. They are the worst.

Don't know how exactly to advise you how to help him. I can tell you that I really struggled with intimacy.

I can honestly say that the physical part of my A's was never satisfying but more disappointing then anything. My BS in all reality has been the only person to really satisfy my physical needs.

The problem is...he will probably never fully believe this. Because the question of "is she was so darn satisfied, why would she keep having affairs"..will linger.

I will say though, that after time and consistent action from my wife, I don't get the movies nearly as often...and normally when they hit me..I can push them away..mostly.

Don't feel rejected or pushed away. At least with me, when the mind movies hit..I wasn't rejecting her or pushing her away..the pain is just too intense. And I would get mad too, I would get mad because the simple act of making love to my wife was now incredibly painful and awkward. That sucks. Buuuut--as we worked through this muck..it got better, easier, and more loving.

Time. Time and action.

When it happens, see if he's o.k., see what he needs from you. Do not take it personally (if you can).

heartbroken2012 posted 4/23/2013 14:46 PM

Wonderboy said it exactly!

The problem is...he will probably never fully believe this. Because the question of "is she was so darn satisfied, why would she keep having affairs"..will linger.

Yes I think this too.

The mind movies hit all of a sudden.

Darksideofme posted 4/23/2013 15:25 PM

Thanks wonderboy. Ill try to put my feeling to the side. I understand that mentality.

I just know that the main reason I felt I had A's in the first place was for emotional support that turned physical. I understand that my feelings were not accurate. I felt like since I had gotten some fulfillment from these guys that I had to return the favor... What Ive come to think of prostituting myself for attention and affection.

Ive told him that but i also try to put myself in his shoes and think I would feel the same. Weather or not the situation was what I felt it was.

It does help to get other insight. Since i've been selfish for so long. But i actually feel like its been easier then I thought it would be. It helps tremendously to have this type of support.

Thank you,

FR2012 posted 4/23/2013 22:56 PM

You know, there have been times where we are in the middle of sex then all the sudden things start getting awkward. And I know it will make you want to crawl into a hole. But you can't. You need to be there to comfort him and let him know that things will be alright.

The best thing you can do for him is just talk to him. Even if you are in the middle of things and you feel like things are starting to get bad. Just stop and talk to him about anything. Maybe talking about something completely random will help his mind be put at a little ease.

There was a night that that happened to us. My husband started feeling sad and we couldn't finish. So I got off and started talking to him and cuddling with him. He started to apologize and I told him not to because he had nothing to apologize for. We talked for a little bit and it helped take his mind of things that were bothering him. We ended up finishing. It was great.

You just need to be there for him when he starts triggering or having mind movies. Cause I can tell you that mind movies are the worst for BS's. The start treading on horrible feelings and things can start getting bad. You just need to help calm his mind.

blakesteele posted 4/24/2013 04:07 AM

BS here. Mind movies and the whole...if I were fully satisfying why did you have sex with another man thing pops up. To make it worse the OM is older and more out of shape then I am. I imagine the details...wife kissing his double chin, feeling his round belly, etc..its so disgusting. sigh.

Our MC says everyone just pushes through sex sometimes..thats natural. MC is a woman.

To this I state...that is easier for a woman...a man has certain physcial requirements to continue. I dont think anyone should push through sex they dont want and enjoy...but this is a part of a marriage...truly lost here.

We are still seeking solutions to this....no advice here, but thank you for posting. I will continue to follow it and see if I can learn from others.

My sex drive is considerably lower then it ever has been. Masturbation even feels like infidelity to me now....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:08 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

vistainc posted 4/24/2013 05:32 AM

Another BS here. I understand completely how your BS is feeling during sex. Not only does he have the mind movies (I believe we all do) but in my case I can't help wondering how does he love me so much now? I haven't changed but NOW I am good enough? Sometimes these crazy thoughts pop in along with the movies and it's hard to re-focus sometimes.

Our problem is that I still cry after, or during if I can't stuff the thoughts and/or the movies. Just knowing this will happen makes it even harder to want to get started.

Of course not being intimate isn't good either so a definite catch 22 situation. My fWH is very understanding and knows why I am crying and comforts me until it passes, but the sex can definitely feel awkward.

I wish you both the best of luck! (((Hugs)))

idiot85 posted 4/24/2013 05:37 AM

BS here- I agree with FR2012-

There are so many posts along these lines- I've even written one myself!!

Talking is defo the best way- and like I said somewhere on another post just taking it moment by moment and as soon as my wife can see my mind is wandering she starts talking to me. I told her what I need from her in those situations and so far, it's working 90% of the time- if I really can't continue (physically speaking) I like a bit of reassurance then just to have cuddles and kisses- it seems to make us both feel a bit better and less awkward.

The awkwardness is the killer for me- to feel awkward around your wife/husband is mad- it depends on your relationship but for me I like it when she starts talking it makes the movie hit pause.

Sometimes humour can even creep in for us- but that's just us probably!!! I'll give an example- the other day I'd seen this hipster guy wearing leggings so as a joke I bought a pair of cheap leggings and put them on for when the wife and kids came home and I told her I felt good in them- I even popped to the corner shop in them- she was just laughing but that night when the mind movies started and it was just impossible to continue, after a few kisses and cuddles and I was feeling better- she said "maybe you should put your leggings on"- awkwardness did just vanish- I know it's not a helpful story but I hope it's made someone smile!!!

My advice is TALK TALK TALK.

RockyMtn posted 4/24/2013 07:03 AM

The problem is...he will probably never fully believe this. Because the question of "is she was so darn satisfied, why would she keep having affairs"..will linger.

Totally possible. But I just wanted to give a little bit of hope that he might someday understand. I've come to an understanding of a whole boatload of things that don't make sense from my perspective. I just have to remind myself that they don't make sense because I don't have wayward thinking...they don't make sense because it isn't what I would do. But that doesn't mean they aren't true for WH. Maybe your BH will come to that.

But you need to also accept if he doesn't believe you and never does. His choice. But I know it would probably be helpful for you if he did.

sodamnlost posted 4/24/2013 07:17 AM

BS here as well. I imagine this part must be much harder for a male, I sometimes have to ride the storm or a trigger or mind movie, not as easy to hide if you are a male. I always talked to WH about it afterwards.

I will tell you what I feel and what helps, maybe it will ring true.

I often get triggers or mind movies during sex. The ones I can't work through on my own make me stop being intimate. When THAT happens, I feel worse. I often felt like the fact that I can't continue would drive him back to the OW. Not as much now at 7 months out but very much in the beginning. The thi gs that WH did that make me feel better are - holding me VERY affectionately, assuring me its fine that I need to stop, telling me he isn't going back to her, telling me he is sorry and most important showing me he sees what I am going through.

Talk, talk, talk to your WH about this. Ask him what he feels when it happens and how you can help. When you start to feel his anger, don't close up - he WILL sense this and trust me, that makes it MUCH worse. That could very well be "proving" to him that whatever he is thinking is true. For example - he might be thinking you are thinking about your AP during sex and when you close up, it adds a truth to it in his mind. Prove him wrong not right.

atsenaotie posted 4/24/2013 07:33 AM

I second what RockyMtn posted. I understand and I accept what happened.

Darksideofme posted 4/24/2013 15:04 PM

Thanks again for the responces. We have stumbled through these episodes but from now on I will try to stop and talk in the future. I do appriciate the guidance, it helps a lot.

numb&dumb posted 4/24/2013 15:48 PM

I am not trying to start anything, but I noticed a post close to the same time as this one where you talked about withdrawal.

Just an observation, but if you H thinks, sees or picks up on the fact that you may be having withdrawals for OM that would certainly make me trigger and stop.

If he feels your are not into it for the "right" reasons, he may pick up on that.

Just saying. If your partner is someplace else that can be really damaging. Men don't often get sad when confronted with these feelings, most men will use anger to shield themselves from the painful feelings.

Talk is good. However have you been talking to your about your withdrawal ? If so that tends to evoke an anger response in a lot of BS.

Sienna500 posted 4/24/2013 16:29 PM

I just thought the same thing as numb.

If my husband thought I felt that way I'm sure there would be no intimacy.

shawnh21112 posted 4/25/2013 14:08 PM

BS Here...

Definitely mind movies. Same thing happens to me all the time. I have some of the most horrific mental movies and images maybe 50-60% of the time. Sometimes they are so bad that I cannot easily open up to my WW about them and they fester and turn to poison. FOr me the best way to deal with each and every one so far has been by doing something that feels almost impossible to do. Talk about them with the WS. in as much detail as you can muster. After I get it out in the open it usually lets go of me and I move on.

Hope I helped a little at least!

Darksideofme posted 4/25/2013 14:47 PM

Hi Numb and Dumb,
The withdrawl stuff usually happens during the day. When im alone or at work or when my BS and I would be arguing or something rediculous. Fortunately I have been able to see what my triggers were and have been looking for ways to get myself through them. Its been a struggle but I feel like I'm doing ok.

I have only talked about some of my triggers to my BS. Im not sure if I want to tell him more then that. I feel like I have been doing ok with them on my own but just wanted some guidance on more I could do. The bump of Maia's is very good and I plan on implamenting those ideas.

It is possible that my BS can feel these spurts. The other day we had an arguement because I wanted to visit and ge wanted to listen to a new album he got. I ended up doing all the shopping we had to get done alone. I was hurt cause he snapped at me and calmed up. He just turned his music up and didnt talk to me either.

We did eventually talk when we were closer to home. I guess he thought that this fight would have caused me to run to someone. I told him that all I wanted was an apology and to be close to him. That yes that would have been a trigger for me. But this time is different because I see that, and the alone time actually may have helped me really think about it and learn from it. Needless to say we had an amazing intimate time after.

I would have put the posts together but it came to me after. Those questions have been floating in my head for a little while and I just needed some time to share them so i could get feedback.

Thanks for the inquiry. Questions can only help in my opinion.

Twitchy posted 4/25/2013 15:30 PM

I can honestly say that the physical part of my A's was never satisfying but more disappointing then anything. My BS in all reality has been the only person to really satisfy my physical needs

Tell him this. In word and and in thought and in action, scream this at him. He'll have a hard time listening to it first but just keep right on saying, acting and thinking it.

As a guy, fear and insecurities are often outwardly expressed as anger. Just don't call him on it. Just try to accept the anger as passionate emotions.

Darksideofme posted 4/25/2013 23:38 PM

Ok, so talk, talk, talk. Dont clam up. Dig for answers. And keep him reassured. Thanks everyone for the input!! I hope i can implament thses right. I know I often clam up during tge tough times... I hope i can stop that soon.

Thanks again for the encouragement and support. :)