I also agree with Nature and open up with what she said. Its going to be hard, but if you were my parent and you actually talked to me like a young adult, i would have tons of respect for you.
After thinking about it for a couple of days, she called me and asked if we were getting a D because of dad having more affairs. I said yes. She attempted to confirm this statement with her dad, and he told her "we just grew apart." I felt like I betrayed my XWH by telling DD18 the truth, but my friends set me straight. One of them came from divorced parents and she told me that the only thing she wanted from her parents was the truth, and was mad at her mom for awhile because her mom covered for her dad.
My DD18 is upset with her dad because he is lying to her. I have now taken the stand that I will NOT ruin my relationship with DD18 by lying to her to "cover" for XWH. I have told her that I will answer any question she has as honestly as I can but I will not initiate the conversation.
My DD18 is hurt enough by the divorce and all that has happened this past year, that she does not need to be lied to, by either one of us, and hurt all over again.
I would recommend to be honest (don't have to go into all the details), and let him know that he can always come to you.
Good luck! This is so horrible for everyone involved.
He never asked for details, and I never volunteered any. When I did file for D, I did tell him that I was going to do it and my wonderful boy just said.
"you did everything possible mom first,you are doing the right thing"
Then I go on with "but I'm breaking up my family" and he said - no he did that - we are your family" Love him!
It was the hardest day ever! But at the same time, It was the first time that I felt like my future was in my hands, not his.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~
Tell him the truth. Dad did this..and I can not,will not,be disrespected and treated like garbage anymore.
I have a feeling your DS is going to be relieved.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
So we agreed to only tell them that we tried very hard to make things work, but it wasn't meant to be. We reinforced that that we both love them and will always be there for them, just not together.
At first, DS15 was really mad at STBXWW and blamed her for the breakup of the family, and refused to talk to her or spend any time with her. I worked very hard helping them to reestablish their relationship. i told him how much his mother loves him and how it's no one's fault. I basically forced him to spend time with her.
Well, DS15 knew about STBX's A's. I honestly think he lost some respect for me for basically 'lying' to him, and not respecting his wishes to refuse to see her. he has become very P/A toward me and i've had to take a hard line with him on what i will and will not tolerate. STBX has become 'Disney Mom' and goes overboard with trying to make him happy. Buys him whatever he wants, and has become friends with DS15's GF. this is all an attempt to win him back, IMO.
DS17 hasn't said much about it, but i'm pretty sure he also knows about the A's. He loves his mom, but i can tell he really respects me with how i've handled things. DS10 (DS11 now) doesn't know anything and is trying to makes sense of it all; wondering if mom left because of the dog, etc.
this is not meant as a t/j.
Just wanting to give an idea of how skirting the issue may not be the most healthy thing for you or the kids. I still think taking the high road is the right thing to do. My attempts to help DS15 and STBX have a solid relationship, has cost me somewhat, but hopefully he will understand some day.
Eventually, they will figure it out.
So, my advice would be to 'let them be kids' and not to burden them with adult issues; however, you need to treat them with respect and truthfully answer their questions.
best of luck to you. k
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
Be honest. Your son probably knows more than you realize, or at least suspects it, and he will appreciate you treating him like an adult.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
[This message edited by FogHater at 3:22 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
I wish you the best, it was the hardest conversation I ever had with my kids (13 and 15 at the time).
Be honest with your son.
As he had been at our house the night before, as he always was, eating a meal and staying the night, they worked it out in about two seconds flat.