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5yrsout posted 4/23/2013 11:51 AM

Hi all,

Thank you SI friends. I hope Reconciliation is the right forum.

I have spent the past few months (years?) mentally composing a letter to my fWH.

For those not familiar with my story, I am married to the Prince of Rugsweepers (not a bad Gaslighter, either, actually.)

I suffer from fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, depression and weight gain. I say this because I believe these conditions are exacerbated - if not directly related to - my fWH's talents at gaslighting, etc.

So, I know my letter is too long. I fear it is too late to start this conversation.

I am not sure email is the best route. But, I CANNOT speak these words to him. I can barely ask him anything besides just to pick up milk.

Our intimacy is shattered.

I don't know if it can be healed. But, I do know that every day that goes by adds another brick to the wall around my emotions and my feelings for him die a little more each year.

Please read the following (very long) letter - and let me know your thoughts. Would this help? Could this help?

Is there another tactic I should/could consider?

IC and MC were colossal failures.

Thanks, very much.
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Last night I wanted to come to our bedroom and make long, sensuous love to you.

Not the quickies that I’ve been requesting for so long now. I wanted to feel the way I used to with you before everything that has happened.

Instead, I turned on the t.v. and stayed on the couch, feeling frustrated, lonely and devastated.

This is going to be a bit long, but I need to get it out and I really, really need you to “listen”. Please read. Every.single.word.

I am not healed.

I believe that my chronic pain and depression are physical manifestations of the mental pain I still feel. Every.single.day.

When I found out the nodules in my thyroid were benign, I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT I WASN’T GOING TO DIE.

I cannot keep going like this.

Today is the 7th anniversary of the first time you uttered the word DIVORCE. This date probably doesn’t even resonate with you. Please do not insult my intelligence by thinking that your withdrawal and distance from me then was independent of your relationship with her.

I know that you feel by NOT admitting the true extent of your relationship with her that you believe that you are somehow protecting me from more pain. Sometimes I believe you are simply trying to protect yourself – or worse – that you continue to protect her.

For seven years, I have not been able to fully let myself go when we have sex (except with the occasional assistance of alcohol) because I still see you and her together in my mind.

Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

Despite still loving you with all my heart. Despite recognizing the fact that you are a good husband and a great father. Despite wanting to believe that you would never do this to me again.

You are a wonderful man. You are an amazingly wonderful husband, lover and father to our boys. You take care of me and them and the house and do so much. I do not discount these things.

My respect for you, belief in us, and desire to fully re-connect exists because of these things. I still love you. My pain is keeping me from fully re-engaging my heart. I cannot look in your eyes when we are being intimate. I want those good feelings back. I need to reclaim my place in your heart.

You may not believe this, but, it wasn’t that you were attracted to someone else that has destroyed me, is the (ongoing) LIES.

Because you never admitted the TRUTH, we skipped the next step in the healing process and that is why I have been (and still am) stuck in a hurtful place.

Because I have never heard “your” version of the events that took place, I only have my own “story” and my own vague ideas of what really happened. And, I still don’t know WHY it happened.
 
Had we addressed this ugliness properly THEN, we would have worked together to figure out WHY you allowed yourself to be attracted to another woman.

I do not believe for one single second that she was so AWESOMELY remarkable that she just swept you off your feet – someone with a magical vagina with powers to make you willing to throw away our family or at the very least risk our relationship.

If you were to agree with these statements, it begs the question – why then?

What was happening in your mind to make it okay to go with those feelings of attraction and justify to yourself that lying to me, hiding your relationship with her, spending hours involved with her was somehow okay?

You may think this is no longer important.

But, here’s why it matters. Still. Very much.

If she wasn’t some mythical goddess who seduced you away from your morals, your values, and your family – then what is left is that she was nothing special – and THAT is actually much worse and far scarier.

If that is the case, then what will prevent you from “falling” for someone else the next time we get busy with work or I gain too much weight or whatever made you feel justified before?

THIS is the reason that we should have fully addressed things before.

I think two summers ago, you probably justified your plans to be with her in Denver because you believed that I had my own affair.

As I have admitted, I did think about it. But, only as revenge. Since the day I met you, I have never been attracted to another man. For those few months/weeks – when contemplating revenge, I did look at other men. I could have allowed myself to be attracted – this is how I know that it is a conscious CHOICE.

Because I know that I can control this CHOICE, I also believe that you could as well. Because we have never discussed this, I do not know that you even agree. I do not know that you believe what you did WAS A CONSCIOUS DECISION.

Therefore, I can never feel safe.

We have tried to move on with our lives. We have tried to ignore and sweep things under the rug. I have occasionally brought things up – and left you feeling attacked and thinking that discussing it further is not productive.

We have tried this method. It is not working.

It has been seven years of pain. It is not going away.

I want to feel good and 100% safe when we make love. I do not want to ask for quickies without intimacy. I want to believe in us.

Please, let’s really end this – once and for all.

I recognize that it would be very difficult to have a conversation about this. If it is easier, you could fill in the blanks.

This is the story as I know it… Corrections and clarifications would be greatly appreciated.

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I met her in _____ (2003?) at a training. We exchanged numbers. I did not see her again for _____ (# months/years.) I set up a separate/secret email address to communicate with her.
We emailed each other sporadically until _______ (month/year). We would occasionally get together for lunch.

I helped her get the job at my office. We started having lunches together right away. We kissed and had sex in ______ (her car/my truck/the park near our work/her house down the street from the office.) I started to stay late at work and work on Saturdays to be with her.

I started going to happy hours to be with her.

Her husband was NOT with us when you called and I was at her house.

I wanted to stop seeing her but I couldn’t. I decided to quit my job and be a stay-at-home dad. I kept postponing my last day because I did not want to end things with her.

I spent the conference at Rocky Gap fucking her every which way I could for the entire weekend.

I thought I was in love with her.

I grew to hate you. I felt that our marriage was already over.

In April 2006, I said that I wanted a divorce. If she wasn’t married, I would have left to be with her.

In May 2006, despite what I told you, I never stopped talking to her. I used a different email address. I used a prepaid phone. I would still see her _____ (frequency – weekly? Monthly? as often as I could?)

In December 2006, when you found the secret Facebook account – it was to keep in communication with _______ (her and/or others?)

In 200____ (2009?), I started looking up old girls from high school and chatting, emailing, them on Facebook. I created another secret Facebook account for the sole purpose of flirting with other women without your knowledge.

Because I believed that you had your own affair, I used this to justify my actions.

In summer 2011, I was planning on seeing her in Denver.

My last contact with her was _______ (month/year) or I am still in contact with her because we are (now) (only) (just) friends.

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Unfortunately, even if he answered every single line above, it still does not get to the WHY ... perhaps best left for a follow up conversation? If I even had the nerve to send this...

Thanks again.

[This message edited by 5yrsout at 4:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 4/23/2013 13:18 PM

Gently, I think you can shorten the letter, and that will strengthen it but first...

My respect for you

My prince is a frog.

How can you still respect him? He's a cheat and a liar and a rugsweeper. Love him, I can believe - even though I agree that his behavior after the A is almost definitely contributing to your pain. Respect him, I prefer to disbelieve.

Second, is his holding back a deal-killer for you? Can you present him with an ultimatum - come clean or leave? Can you 180 him if he doesn't come clean?

If you can, then you can write a stronger letter.

Remember - this is JMO. You know better than I do how to handle your own sitch.

No matter what, I think your letter should be simple enough for him to see he can no longer stay in his M and lie.

My approach would be to just focus the letter on coming clean. Also, I'd outline some behaviors I want to see: filling out your form, answering questions, IC, MC - whatever you want.

I would drop the parts about how this impacts you, even though the impacts are real. The only things that matter here are what you want and what he's willing to do. The impact on you may actually be scaring him away from R, because he may be thinking you couldn't possibly want to R with a person who did this to you.

I'm sorry you're here, and I'm sorry your H still doesn't get it.

5yrsout posted 4/23/2013 13:28 PM

Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

I know it is hard for people to understand why I tolerate this.

But, for the most part, we are superficially fine. He thinks I only have "monthly" bad days - which he believes are caused by PMS - NOT anything that he's done or not done.

Threatening Divorce is not going to work, because I have let this go on too long and I need to get over things.

I keep wondering if there is some way I can without him coming clean.

I guess I know my answer.
It's been 7 years and I haven't yet.

Sorry for the rambling.
But, thank you, again for the advice.

I thought that relating it to the CURRENT issue (me not enjoying sex) would make it more current for him.

But, I can see you are probably right in sticking to one aspect. He will or he won't fill in the blanks.

Do you think me creating the "timeline" that I believe and sharing that with him is a valid way of asking him to fill in the missing pieces (or deny as I expect he will)?

I have tried to get up the courage/will/anger to speak it by phone or in person and I always back down.

I feel like I lost my window/leverage 7 years ago and now just need to shut up.