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new member 6 months on from d-day

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seekingtomorrow posted 4/23/2013 13:38 PM

hello, im a new member, i was linked from another forum. in august last year i found the messages, i was 36 weeks pregnant. the messages were too much for comfort but not conclusive. i replyed to her question on his profile and her answer confirmed something was going on, tears, excuses and explaination later we decided to move on, it was 'dating' no sex but sneaking out to go on dates with her and with mates when he was supposedly at work. then a few weeks later when my dear boy was 6 weeks old i found more messages, he claimed he had been computer hacked and he sent a messgae to the girl telling her she was way off base and he had been hacked and to back off, he then send her a message on his phone explaining that id found thier messages and he was just shaking me off, he did not expect me to cheack the phone but i did, i stormed out to my friends house only to remember she was on holiday so came back, what greeted me was worse than i could have imgined, he decided it was time for the truth, repeated relationships with multiple girls going back pre our wedding, prostitudes and strip clubs, there was one girl he was confused by, he thought he might love. that night i went through his facebook with a fine tooth comb. he had told these girls we were divorced and suggsting i was stopping him seeing the chldren, telling others our marriage was over and we were only together for the kids, he even told one id cheated on him. those lies hurt as these are people who would recognise me in the street but i wouldn't them, now i wonder everytime someone gives me a funny look. i grilledhim to within an inch of his life, found out that about 1000 had gone on this minimum (as this 1000 doesn't include drinks when he was clubbing) so a significant portion of our debt. i feel like something has been stolen off me, i have very simple aims in my life, im don't want for big things, i want happy memeories and to dance with my daughters daddy on her wedding day, not her step daddy. with three children and 6 years marriage we have alot of happy memeries but i feel each and every one of these has been stolen and handed back to me broken, i don't know what to do with that.

tushnurse posted 4/23/2013 13:49 PM

Welcome to the best club noone wants to join.

Oh Honey you certainly have been dealing with a lot on your own. So are you still together? Are you working on reconciling? What has he done to help you through this?

Please know that this is not about any short coming you may have, or percieve you may have. This is about him being quite broken. He has a clear pattern of bad behavior and bad choices. Not to say R isn't possible, but if you want to he has to fix himself first.

We welcome you, and want to assure you that whatever path you take you will be encouraged, and offered much good advice along the way.

((( and strength ))))

seekingtomorrow posted 4/23/2013 14:03 PM

we are still together, and some days are lovely and others are like eggshells, we also cannot get any councelling, we simply cannot afford it, though our church leadership have been supporting us but that has been difficult as the vicars wife was a dear friend and it has changed the dynamic of our relationship, i don't really want to go to her over this.
we seem to be in a strange place at the moment, theres been so much going on outside this situation, my brother was homeless and lived with us, we had weight and feeding issues with the baby and my mum is very ill and there was a significant and very upsetting development in her condition, and ive been trying to get my buisness running and do my uni course (which i have today decided to drop out of as its just all too much), and ive kinda put it in a box to deal with later, in that time he has had alot of sessions with the vicar and started to heal and move on, where as i have only just got to the point where i have the space to open that box. this has left everything very confused as he can't quite undersand why ive gone from dealing with it to suddenly not dealing with it,

Skan posted 4/23/2013 15:59 PM

Hey there. I would like to suggest that you PM a moderator and ask them to move your post to the Just Found Out forum. Yes, you have been dealing with this for 6 months, but frankly, I think that you might get much more support in that forum. There's a lot of good advice that gets bumped there that could do you a lot of good.

Next, look up in the left corner for a yellow box and click on The Healing Library. Please start reading. There's good information there for you by people who have walked this road that you're on.

Come back often. We're all here for you. Everything you are feeling is normal. If you wern't feeling disorientated, devistated, betrayed, and hyper-sensative, then there would really be something wrong. You've been hit by the infidelity bus and it's going to take some time before the world stays upright for you. (((hugs)))

seekingtomorrow posted 4/24/2013 03:06 AM

i told husband about this site last night, he went all quiet and withdrew again. every time we talk about what happens he goes like that for the rest of the day,he feels guilty. i know thats right and if he carried on as normal id be concerened, but i hate it when he gets down like that, hes not one to talk when hes feeling down so he just shuts down and the house gets quiet and tense. it makes me not want to talk about it, but im still thinking about it too much to not.

annb posted 4/24/2013 08:08 AM

Hi, seekingtomorrow, welcome to SI.

You NEED to talk about the A regardless of how your husband is feeling. Guilt is a good thing, but it should help him understand what he did is very, very wrong....he should have had your back, instead he stabbed it repeatedly.

It sounds as though your husband has some serious issues that really need to be addressed before reconciliation is truly on the table. What will prevent him from going down this path again? Cheating has been a part of his life for many years, what's going to change now?

I am going to bump up two great articles in this Just Found Out forum for newbies, one called Tactical Primer, the other Before You Say Reconcile. Read them and re-read them. They will help you along in this process.


seekingtomorrow posted 4/24/2013 09:36 AM

thankyou for posting that annb. i have read them and wil do so again.

one of the things i realy struggle with at the moment is the fear that he is not telling me everything, or that there is a secret facebok page or similar i know my fear of this doesn't amount to proof, but i also know that any real reconsiliation is impossiale untill i can at least start to move past this fear. the idea of trusting him again andgetting hurt again is scary.

i feel a fool as well, my parents split due to infidelity and looking back over our relationship there were so many signs and so many tims i suspected, when he told me i was able to guess some of the times and people as the suspician had been there, but i belittled and got angry at myself assuming it was my damage.

easiersaid posted 4/25/2013 09:36 AM

Dear Seeking,
My WH was wayward before our marriage, and has continued on and off throughout. Different from yours, he targeted other married women because he was very clear telling them he was "married and planned to stay that way".

There is a great book that was recommended here--helping your spouse survive your affair--that I made my WH read as part of the ground rules to stay. It has helped.

And please remember this: it is his failure, not yours. HE is broken, not you. You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.

Good luck. We in SI land are here day and night!

seekingtomorrow posted 4/27/2013 15:21 PM

im cross tonight, really cross tonight, my wh is away for work so i was wasting itme on a chat forum and it didn't go well, what started out as a bit of a joke about a husband wih too much sex drive tuned into well if you don't sex him he'll look elsewhere and it'll be your fult, which obviouly turned into a huge online fight, which i have now walked away from, but its left me seething, we sit here and sa to each other its not your fault, its the ws who has done this, but everyone, everyone out there blambs us, the bs. you see it in the conversations people have when they don't know what your going through, and the movies and tv shows, you drive them away, you were too intrested in the kids, too intrested in this or that or the other, didn't give them enough sex, put too much pressure on them, nagged too much..... it makes me want to scream. we had a good, in fact great sex life prior to d-day, regular date days/nights, movie and sofa time, never went to bed alone,i learnt about his hobbies and intrests and he learnt about mine so we would always have things to talk about. we would and could joke and talk and debte for hours, chasing each other round the house with bits of chocolate cake for food fights and water spray bottles and just laugh untill our sides hurt,,, i just want to scream i was enough because i couldn't possiably have been more. this is why i have told almost no one, because i don't want them thinking what didn't i do for him,,, what didn't i give him,,, where am i lacking

LearningToFly posted 4/27/2013 16:09 PM

Seeking Tomorrow it really hurts a lot that other people blame the betrayed spouse. Is anyone really perfect? How can anyone feel safe in a relationship if its their fault that the person leaves them instead of working through the difficulties. If you don't like something in your marriage, work on it. Don't go to where you think the grass is greener. Blaming the betrayed spouse just gives the cheater more power to continue in his lying ways.

With your husbands history, it sounds like he has a BIG problem and it has nothing to do with you.

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