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User Topic: Calling all my SI Codependency Sponsors - In-Law thing
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Shutup  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have time or energy to go into why SIL is evilbadawful.

I still feel the complusion to try and have a relationship with her, sometimes. I feel bad that she was never taught how to behave with respect. I feel bad that she lost her mother 4 years ago. She's really lost, and possibly BPD II.

She sent DD3 some beautiful, thoughtful birthday gifts. This is all we have heard from her all year, apart 2 angry, slanderous emails which is her MO. (Crazz's childhood dog passed and when he contacted her to ask why nobody told him she used the deliberate opening to explain why she loves and missed him, and I sucked, and therefore he sucked by proxy.)

So WHY, in the name of all that is holy, and I having such difficulty restraining myself from texting her pictures of DD3 enjoying her presents? I so desperately want her to see that I'm not the one to blame for her unhappiness, that she's using a lovely person as a scapegoat for all her shit with her brother and family.

I want things to be good. I want her to feel safe with me. I want her to have a relationship with her niece. I have this stupid hope that if I keep reaching out someday she'll see me for the person I am, not the devil her father has indoctrinated her to believe I am.

But she's so MEAN and AWFUL to me!!! What the heck is my issue?!!?

Need help not returning a kind gesture with the kindness bursting to come out. It just feels so foreign.

Talk me down, plz.

Thx.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently...this isn't about you. I'd try to make it more personal.

Send her a nice note on behalf of Baby Jrazz thanking her for the gifts and include a couple of the photos.

ETA: Say something very simple like "Thought you'd like to see Baby Jrazz enjoying her gifts. Thank you so much."

Boom. Done.

It's the Olive Branch - Ball's In Her Court jesture that costs you little to nothing.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 2:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21099 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks - I know you're right. That's what I did last year, and it felt like the right thing.

I just can't stand this compulsion to "fix" things. It's tied in with needing people to love me, and while I can see it from the outside, I hate having these feeling take over.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right thoughts...wrong time and place.

She isn't yours to "fix" - but if she acknowledges your child, it's up to you to thank her.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21099 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're concerned about this because you're nice. To put it in simple terms. You want everyone to get along and spend time together and give your daughter wonderful family memories. There's nothing wrong with that.

She has issues. TONS of issues if she can't even think for herself.

Can LittleRazz write her letters yet? As soon as my two could write their letters I had them writing their own thank you cards.

Keep it simple:

Auntie Mean,
Thank you for my presents
Love,
LittleRazz

Include some pictures of her with her presents.

I wrote out the card for my kids then they would copy it over to the thank you card. Just a thought

PS. Why did I read your husband's screenname as Crazy? Sorry.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if you could just detach the futile wish that any gesture on your part might magically heal her, then you're just fine sending her some pics and a SHORT note, like what AJ's Mom suggested.

Just brush off that silly hope for a Kumbayah sing-along with SIL and you'll be fine.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10014 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having my own manic episode... when I start to draft the thank you letter in my head I then worry about the implications that I'm allowing someone who hates me to have a relationship with my daughter. They're all about the brainwashing on that side of the family... I could see it being quite a prize for FIL/SIL to get DD3 to "see" that I was bad. I'm trying desperately to teach her reason in the meantime, so that she can use her brain when people try to sell her on things that don't make sense.

(ie - I'm controlling FWH's drinking because I'm a manipulative bitch. A) I'm not controlling nothin' - he makes his own choices there. B) They're all raging substance abusers.. you know, the type that suspects you if you're not matching them shot for shot?)

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:39 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, she's 3. Please don't "adult-ize" this for her.

She received gifts from her Auntie and loves them.

That's all the message has to be.

You're kind of mountaining a molehill here...


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21099 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have (had?) the same relationship with the X's sister. She's batshit crazy. However, she has been WONDERFUL with DS since he was age 7, and anyone who is good to my son is OK with me. Believe me, even at that early age, he knew she was batshit crazy. He still does, yet he maintains a relationship with her that works for him.

Vrazz is as smart as a whip and she will come to the same conclusion that you have if and when the time comes. Don't sweat this; send the short and sweet version and be done with it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20442 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're kind of mountaining a molehill here...

That's me! Molehill Mountaineer extraordinaire.

Thanks for the hope everyone. SadinAZ, I'm going to take a deep breath and trust that V is a smart little cookie. Thanks for the reminder.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll reverse this on you.

Remember that sister of mine whom I un-friended and blocked from FB a few weeks back?

Well, birthday season has started for her four kids. Had one in March, another one last week in April then will have one in June and the last will be in August.

She's diabolically batshit crazy but that didn't (and won't) stop me from acknowledging her kid's birthdays. I've sent two gifts out and have gotten one thank you back. First kid who didn't thank me is off the list for next year cuz that's the boundary I've chosen to have. We'll see about the last two, but I'm not relenting.

I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks of me, but I will ALWAYS acknowledge her kids because they don't deserve to be put in the middle of an adult pissing match.

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:03 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21099 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ 26651
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe me, even at that early age, he knew she was batshit crazy.

100% this ^^^. Kids are good at picking up who is safe and who isn't, as well as figuring out when someone says something just b/c they don't like someone else. Vrazz is a smart cookie, she'll know that they're blowing smoke, because she knows her mommy is great and loves her


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11590 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 12

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