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the choices we have to make

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ladya posted 4/23/2013 16:42 PM

This is affair season for me. So, the other night I was in a funk. FWH asked what was wrong and I said I just can't help but wonder what I missed. It was 5 years ago that I confronted him about the EA. He lied....... It was 3 years ago that I found out it was a PA. It was 2 years ago that I found out it lasted longer than I ever thought. So, I said I just wonder how you could lie for so long, how you could live that double life, how you could do that to me, our kids...... He apologized and said, "you can wonder how I did all of that which was all very wrong or you can try to focus on how much I love you, how sorry I am and how much I have changed for the better." I said good point. It stinks but I have to make the choice to focus on now, not then.

karmahappens posted 4/23/2013 17:33 PM

I still have a text on my phone from 5 years ago from my H....sent May 19 2008.

I asked him if he was sure he could do this.

His reply...I am sure Karma. I can't change what happened, I can only try to make things better.

I think it was then I knew I had to let go of the "I wish this hadn't happened" and start focusing on the now and what he was doing to fix/own it.

It's hard to let it go, isn't it? Hard to wish we could wake up and find things different than they are. That we would suddenly have magic answers.

No, what we have is the right now. The ability to face the pain and attack the issues and the future of the M together.

It takes a whole lot of time to get through this, but acceptance in what we can not change is huge...

(((hugs)))

forgivingnow posted 4/23/2013 17:37 PM

I think what he said is wonderful. I do agree we need to focus on now, the present. BUT this is a trauma we are getting over & sometimes the feeling of pain & betrayal is still there. It does get better with time & positive words/actions from our spouse.
(((Ladya)))

Rebreather posted 4/23/2013 17:44 PM

Funny, cause those kind of comments always tick me off. I need my husband to let me ruminate when I need to. I always find that comment to be self serving for him. I get it; we do need to focus on the positive. On our 5 year antiversary I decided not to bring the affair up any more, unless I really, REALLY needed to. It did work really well. But when I do bring it, being directed to "think more positively" just pisses me off. LOL

blakesteele posted 4/23/2013 17:48 PM

I totally agree....acceptance and living in the NOW is so very important. I would say it is a very good way to live ALL of our lives...not just within our M and as we learn to R.

I am a very analytical type of person. I routinely look at my past actions to find clues on how to handle issues today and in the future. This is a handicap to me now as I try to leave the A in the past.

BUT, if we can successfully do this and embrace what we have now...we will be much better off.

I just cant imagine what possible good would come of fixating on the A that is part of our history? And yet, my mind wonders there....

Keep pressing forward!

God be with us all.

ladya posted 4/23/2013 17:59 PM

I have to try hard to focus on the present and who we are now. It's tough but It's worth it in the end. I know we would not have the marriage we have today if he wasn't remorseful and determined to fix what he broke. Life is just too short to focus on what I can't change.

pewpewpew posted 4/23/2013 18:46 PM

Thank you for this post.

I am so guilty of focusing on the past, wishing the A never happened. I need to start to forgive and appreciate that my WH is doing everything I ask, and showing me everyday that he is sorry.

I do not want to be in a M where I feel the need to hang this over his head everyday. How can we ever be happy?

Lionne posted 4/23/2013 22:25 PM

I am so guilty of focusing on the past, wishing the A never happened. I need to start to forgive and appreciate that my WH is doing everything I ask, and showing me everyday that he is sorry.

True dat. However, as the BS of a long term cheater, an SA, the trauma was long and deep. My walls are high and thick. I fixate on the past because I am so afraid that it will be repeated, despite the changes and commitment I see in SAfWH.

His acting out, verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation have change the fundamental me. I don't know if I will ever be able to change back. I hope some of you have more success, as this is no way to live.

catlover50 posted 4/24/2013 02:04 AM

I'm with Rebreather on this. Although I tend to be positive and forward thinking, in the early months I did not appreciate my H saying this in response to a trigger. I taught him that at that time it would only make me angry. I needed him to apologize, comfort me, etc, but not tell me to focus on the future. I did that plenty, but I still had a lot of shitty past to process.

That said, in general I was positive and did not spend much time beating up my H. He was becoming the man of my dreams and was easy to support.

BIZZYBEEZ posted 4/24/2013 02:18 AM

Thanks for this post. It was 6 months for me yesterday & I've been struggling the last couple days. This was what I needed to read to put a smile back on my face.

rachelc posted 4/24/2013 05:23 AM

the trauma was long and deep. My walls are high and thick. I fixate on the past because I am so afraid that it will be repeated,

this is me, although I'm getting better. Probably because he did it twice...

forgivingnow posted 7/2/2013 09:58 AM

I needed to reread this today because I was struggling with anxiety and slipping. Right now is wonderful, it is the past that was horrible.

karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 10:03 AM


It's the start of A season for me, the good thing is...it doesn't impact me anymore.

You will get there and you will be ok. Keep walking.

(((hugs)))


rachelc posted 7/2/2013 11:07 AM

wow. this thread is from a while ago and I see I commented on it.


you can wonder how I did all of that which was all very wrong or you can try to focus on how much I love you, how sorry I am and how much I have changed for the better.

this bothers the hell out of me. I'd probably rip him a new one for telling me what and how to feel...
you all are much better people than I. Marriage shouldn't be this hard.

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:08 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

jjsr posted 7/2/2013 14:43 PM

I needed this today

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