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This morning I got a phone call from my great-grandmother and her friend (one of her neighbors who has known her for years). They were at the bank. My great-grandmother was opening a new account and wanted to put me on as the beneficiary if/when she passes away. I'm assuming this to be a responsibility of taking care of any bills with whatever money is left, and that's fine. This is what my great-grandmother wants, and I love her.

I don't know the whole story, but I'm getting the sense my great-grandmother is opening a new account because of something that happened with the old one. My grandmother got herself on my great-grandmother's old one, and has been controlling my great-grandmother's money ever since. These are the same grandparents with whom I had a big falling-out, and in fact many of the neighbors have as well. A very bad situation all around, and I'm honestly not sure whose story is the truth.

I have an ongoing paranoia that my grandfather is going to kill me - in part because he threatened to a few years ago. I know that regardless of whether I agreed to be a beneficiary on the account that my great-grandmother and her friend were going to open one anyway, and my responsibility is limited to after she passes away. But I know that my grandparents will be furious when they find out, and I am afraid that they might take that anger out on me. It would not be a surprise.

I hope this is just my paranoia talking. If I disappear suddenly, thank all of you for being such wonderful people in my life. You changed me, and by extension my son, for the better. Listen to each other, there is a lot of wisdom from the people here. You all have a light.

Be safe.

Oh sweetie, I'm worried about you.

Is your grandfather in your same town, or somewhere else?

OMG, that is terrifying!

Do they live near you?

Are they mentally unstable? It sure sounds like it. Maybe there is an agency you can report them to.

Keep safe!

My grandparents and great-grandmother live in another state, but my grandparents travel a lot. They've apparently visited my city a few times in the past year to visit my father. I haven't seen them, but knowing they're around freaks me out.

I found out more details. Yeah, they're definitely going to be pissed. They were controlling her money and taking a large chunk of it each month, and my great-grandmother was stressing out not knowing if she had enough for bills or groceries. Also, her inheritance has already been split between my grandmother and my father - an investment my great-grandmother had once held, and her own property now belongs to them. But my grandparents were taking about half her money each month. They're going to be furious. Knowing my great-grandmother, she would probably give them money anyway, but after she made sure she could pay the bills, because she has a kind heart (though my grandparents already have their own retirement money coming in). I'm scared for my great-grandmother. Actually, I'm scared for all of us.

There was something that happened almost two years ago. According to her neighbor, my grandfather almost shot her daughter in the arm and then ordered them to the ground screaming, even though they were calling out that he knew who they were. According to his lawyers and my father, he fired in the air to warn them because he thought they were poachers or something. He got off with only 21 days in jail and got his guns back, but it's on his record now. Naturally he never apologized; he never does. Scared of him. I've accepted he has every right to be angry with me. We had a very bad fight 4 years ago, and during the fight I felt very backed into a corner. I had asked my grandmother to back off three times, and when she didn't, in my stupidity, I slapped her. I absolutely know I was wrong to do that, and I apologized to her and did what she asked when she said to get professional help. I accept that I deserve to lose our relationship, that is an understandable consequence, or if they had chosen to press charges (I told my therapist, who informed Senior Protective Services, and they checked in with her). I'd accept it if they wanted to beat the hell out of me, I'd deserve that too. However, my grandfather does not have the right to shoot anyone. He had wished death on me earlier in that same fight, before my bad choice, and of course afterward again as well with a direct threat. I wish they had kept his guns. I have no idea what I could do; he's got connections. Besides, even if he didn't my father does, and my father is 100% with him and my grandmother. I think the safest thing is to be as uninteresting as possible to them.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:43 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

One of the things that makes this situation so scary for me is, I know I was in the wrong, and they have convinced me that I deserve the utmost punishment for it. But the way they demonstrate it is scary. Other people in my family have slapped me before. They never apologized or took responsibility for it. In one case - where my father had slapped me several times - someone told him he should have slapped me more. In my grandfather's case - he never slapped but he did grope my butt one night - my concerns were outright dismissed by my father as a hallucination. I understand that I was in the wrong. But it's abundantly clear to me that none of them are healthy if I am the only one who takes responsibility for my poor choices, and that my choice was met with a death threat while their repeated similar poor choices were ignored. It's like with that, they seem to want to convince me that I am a bad person. Their anger is understandable, and I deserve it. I hope they heal. But their choices are toxic.

In some disturbing way, I kind of feel like they would say I deserved it if my grandfather shot me. But I would hope he would wait until after my son turns 18, or at very least 16. I need to make sure he grows up safely first. He shouldn't have to pay for my bad choice that I made before he was born, but I should have thought of that before I did it. Last night I asked some close friends if they would raise my son if anything happens to me. They're going to talk about it today, but they said they will probably say yes.

Your great grandmother needs a trust set up, ASAP. Do you know if she has her will and power of atty set up? It might be time to set up a meeting with an attorney and make sure she's protected against your grandparents.

She had a will, but that will is currently in my grandmother's safety deposit box. She has no copies of her own will, and my grandmother told her it was irrevocable. The neighbor is going to the public records to see at least if there is any way of proving that her signing over her land to my grandmother and father was illegal, since my great-grandmother didn't know what she was signing. She had thought that she was signing for them to become members of her land's forest association (can't remember the name), not for them to be owners of her land. I am so thankful for this neighbor. I need to find out more about her power of attorney and all that; I am not familiar with the legal terms and am just learning this. I believe most of these things that were set up were done by lawyers that my grandparents hired. They've been trying to convince her to go to an old folks' home as well, against her wishes. The neighbors are looking out for her though.

It's so horrible. For years they ranted about a particular neighbor in the valley, one of my great-grandmother's nephews or someone. They talked about how he was after her money. Then as soon as this neighbor stepped in (the one who's daughter he almost shot), suddenly they accuse her of being after my great-grandmother's money as well. Are they going to accuse everyone of this?

I have news for you... you are not responsible for their reactions.. it was their choice to react the way they did. Just as it was your choice to react by slapping your grandmother. One wrong.. does not give someone permission to also make a wrong choice.

Please take care of yourself. Get a PO in place so that if they come near you, they go to jail, no questions asked.

It might be wise to talk to this neighbor regarding what she knows. The other place to start is your state's elder services division...they will have information on all sorts of things regarding elder people. Another place to look into is your county's family law clerk. Some court clerks maintain a law library for the general public. You can get a lot of information there too.

I am so sorry you are scared, you have every right to be scared. But no way is any of this your fault. You CANNOT control how someone else behaves - they own that.

Hugs,

K