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User Topic: "just" an affair?
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a good spot today...so I thought I would express something my wife and I wrestle with.

The A that my wife brought into our family is simply the most traumatic experience of my life. I dont need to expand on that because everyone on here knows what I am talking about...nothing unique here.

Here is my philisophical dilema.

People with cancer, horribly burned people, children with disabilities, the list goes on....these are "real" tragedies....right?

See, this is what my wife and I discuss from time to time. Yes, adultery is bad...but no one is dying, no physical pain is experienced, no noticable shortening of life is occuring. On good days we mention how lucky we are...that we are NOT facing the many OTHER horrible trials that can enter a persons body and affect a family. But then I feel a little tug....saying HEY, THIS IS NO CAKE WALK!...but is that just the victim in me.

And yet...is this trauma any less impactful? Does it not alter life as we know it permenantly?

As I think about it, as I read about others who have dealt with both an A and some of the above mentioned trials of life...I really think an A is just as much of a burden as anything out there...sometimes I think it is more.

I totally see why support groups for traumatic events can be so beneficial to those experiencing similar trials. This is one reason I am fond of SI. However, I think real life group meetings of people affected by an A would be a dangerous gathering setting...due to the potential for rapid bonding occuring between people in that group...maybe I am wrong, just thought I would mention that.

I say an A is more of a burden due to the nature in which it must be carried (basically in secret)and the lack of unified support offered by those you DO confide in to us suffering from it (some say you are weak for R with a WS, some say it takes a strong man to R, others say WS deserve to be happy and should seek their true soul mates, others say soul mates are made not found, stay together for the children, children are resilent and will adapt to single parent homes, etc.).

If one is fighting cancer there is none of this wishy-washy support. The trauma we are experiencing is as life-altering as anything I can imagine. At times, I believe fighting a terminal illness would be easier.

If I were fighting cancer I could tell my boss and he would be accomodating with my work deadlines. With an A I am offered no such luxury...and yet the affect of the A definately affects how productive and focused I am at work (management position that requires problem solving skills and professional presenations).

Can you see what I am trying to convey?

No doubt I would gladly take this over seeing anyone in my family fighting cancer (MIL fought cancer untill the end...was very sad)...but this trauma is not small. But is it in the same class as other traumas?

Trying to quantify something that may not be able to be quantified.

I thank you for viewing my post.

To be sure, my wife is supportive and this thought has NEVER been used in a hostile manner...neither her or I think this is a small trial. We just respect the fact that we have healthy children and are blessed in so many other ways.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it can be worse than any other trauma. Know why? Because it was done to us on purpose.

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experieced. Many say that this is worse than losing a spouse or even child.

It challenges your mental health. It scars your sense of self. The single most important person in your life, the person you believe in, trust, ripped out your guts and set them on fire and laughed while they did it.

"Just" an affair? I dont' think so. Don't sell your pain short. And for all it is worth, do not EVER let your wayward attempt to do so.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BIL lost his wife shortly after dday.Just didn't wake up one morning...gone.

I would opt for my path over his/hers any day. She was only in her 30's...he has yet to recover.

My husband and I ...at least we had the chance.

The A was devastating to us...and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I also would opt for my pain than any of these...

People with cancer, horribly burned people, children with disabilities, the list goes on..


ETA: But "Just and affair" doesn't cut it.

It is still a major trauma...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:13 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HEY, THIS IS NO CAKE WALK!...but is that just the victim in me.

That is not the statement of a victim. Nothing wrong with recognizing the trauma and pain.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gosh....the affair was horrific....i have experienced nothing worse...but for me personally....NOTHING would be worse than anything happening to my little boy. the affair broke me...and i am forever scarred....but if anything happend to my son, i would want to jump off of a bridge. i have the choice to divorce a cheating husband, and move on with my life....heck maybe even get another chance at happienss....i cant get a dead loved one back.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experienced - it has created PTSD, that's how traumatized I was.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
BEM817
♀ 35104
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Timely post blake steel...

I've been following the blog of a woman who recently lost her child. It's raw, gut wrenching stuff. I don't think I could ever fathom losing one of my precious children. That being said, Rebreather's response hit the nail on the head for me. The selfish acts that were committed were done purposefully. This sweet mama had no choice or say in her situation, neither did we as the betrayed.

But her child's passing was out of her control, out of the child's control. Our waywards made conscious decisions that would ultimately hurt us. If any of them, including my WH, would try to refute that I call BS. There was a high price to pay for what they did.

No, it's never "just an affair"


Married 14 years, together for 20
BS Me - 42
WS Husband - 43
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
tooanalytical
♂ 22306
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am convinced that my life has been shortened because of the A. For at least two years my chest literally hurt (heartache?). I lost weight. Went on blood pressure meds and antacids. I look older, feel older.

I agree I wouldn't want to lose anyone to death but early on I thought the betrayal was worse. When a spouse dies, they wanted to stay alive and be with you. When a spouse purposely kills the marriage, totally disrespects you with an A, it feels the same as a death. You lost something you thought you had and the person you love chose to leave you. I felt like I lost everything that was important in life and my whole 40+ years was living a lie.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 285 | Registered: Jan 2009
flup
♂ 21259
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe, to a wayward, it can't be equated to something as traumatic as a death, or a rape. Then, they would have to face what a horrible thing they've done.

My fWW was stunned to hear that I considered her to be a worse peron than a neighbor that has had 3 kids out of wedlock, and twins with her current beau. I told her "At least she didn't have sex with other women's husbands."

Not much said after that.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
happierdays
♀ 38537
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a thought provoking post. Coping with his A has been nothing short of devastating, I had no clue just how life altering an A would be until it happened.

I pray never to have to deal with an infidelity again.

That being said, I'd choose his A over the loss of a family member or a disease. Mostly because it leaves me with choices, I have the choice to stay or go, the choice to make the best of this crappy situation and the choice to live the best life I can. The others options don't always give you a choice.

Following dday I could totally have handled a month off work, you nailed that one on the head!


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
stupidgirlme
♀ 38778
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would agree with everyone here who mentions that it's the choice the betrayer has made, not something that just happens.

Your choice of wording really hit me right now. My husband keeps saying his life has been so filled with tragedies. Then he will list them, and yes, they are serious, and nothing anyone would choose to endure, but most are natural life happenings. I've had many things in my life that he would have classified as tragedies, by his stnadards, but I just don't look at them that way. They have all strengthened me in some way as well as brought me closer in my relationship with God. His EA started while I was in the hospital recovering from a leg amputation. Of the two things, the affair is the only one that I look at as a tragedy, and the one that has turned my world upside down the most.

I think that anything that causes pain could be looked at as being as serious as another painful thing. There really should be no scale on which one hurt tops another. They are all painful. No one else's pain is any more significant than your own.

So glad that you are able to enjoy a good day today!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brave boy has been on chemo, with a few breaks, for over seven years. One year he also had to have shots at home to deal with immune system problems. I gave him those shots. Every day of those years is crushing.

My FWH's affair was horrible, and I thought it would do me in. It still hurts, and it has changed our relationship irrevocably. But I know I am strong enough to get over my FWH if I had to, to live without him after all these years. I'm changed, but not destroyed.

If my child did not make it, I would be just a shell. It would be the worst thing ever to happen to me. Because what my kid is going through and what I am going through because of it is already the worst.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Sep 2012
scared&stronger
♀ 15942
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I buried a parent after he fought cancer for a year. I was angry with God and anybody who had the nerve enough to say to me "It's for the best". But with the affair (and the discovery of previous ones) I planned my exit from life. I wanted off the roller coaster and I wanted to say F-you world. That's just me.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3984 | Registered: Aug 2007
FaithStricken
♀ 34080
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a son who is paralyzed from a diving accident. My FWHs affair does not rank second to that. They are both horrible, very traumatic experiences. They don't compare as one was an accident and the other was a choice. Each is worse in aspects that differ from the other.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
everycloud
♀ 38102
Member # 38102
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I've been seriouosly ill less than 1 year after Dd. The 2 things combined, the traumas of both discoveries almost killed me.

I think that anything that causes pain could be looked at as being as serious as another painful thing. There really should be no scale on which one hurt tops another
.

That's my experience,too...when phisically in pain everything else disappeared, but the pain of A was there, ready to raise its head when I started to get better. However a disease is something you can share with other people, they're ready to support you, even strangers in the streets where eager to help a hairless and frail woman..the pain of A is something to be ashamed of, to suffer alone or with few trusted friends.
What made my life a nightmare for more than 2 years was that the combination of the 2 events made feel completely helpless: a part of me wanted to leave WH, but my body was so frail, my life so depending on other people that I had to stay ( and also be thankful for his help)

I'd choose his A over the loss of a family member or a disease. Mostly because it leaves me with choices, I have the choice to stay or go, the choice to make the best of this crappy situation and the choice to live the best life I can. The others options don't always give you a choice.

Now that I'm better ( I hope) I think like this..I know that if I discover a new A, If Wh leaves me I can survive, I can go on with my life and be quite happy again: I thank God every morning when I wake up and there's no pain in my body.
Mostly I fear to be ill again, I don't know if I've enough strength left.. but this time I try to get to that prepared, to control what I can.. for example I enquired about paid help for sick people so that I wouldn't depend on WH or kids..That makes me feel stronger and more self-sufficient


Every cloud has a silver lining

Bs 58=me
Wh(?) 60=him


Posts: 48 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: EU
Fidelia
♀ 38345
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, this is going to sound awful. And this is just me, just my experience.

This whole A devastation has been more traumatic to me than the sexual assault I suffered in my late teens. You see, with that, I cut that man out of my life, I knew he didn't care for me, hadn't promised anything to me and I cared nothing for him, except to never see him again and for his penis to wither and drop off. I suffered flashbacks for months and years, although they became less. It changed me as a person and I went off the rails for a while. But I worked on me and I never saw him again.

With all of this A stuff? It was done to me again and again over a series of years by deliberate choices of WH who promised to love, cherish and be faithful to me until death. Yes, I didn't find out until Aug 2012 (fully in Dec 2012), but the harm was done, whether I knew it or not. It was done to me by the person I love. And once I discovered it, he blamed me. But unlike my previous trauma (where I had all the facts) I didn't know exactly what he had done to me and he didn't fully disclose until 4 months later. The trauma from all of that, not just from the actual harm he did, but also from the betrayal of love, that feels worse than what I suffered before.

We're working on it. I believe we can recover from it. But I also believe that he has no idea how much trauma he has caused me. And perhaps that's because if he really understood, I don't think he would feel he could ever look me in the eye again.

Part of the problem with this type of trauma is that we have to forgive the person who did this to us if we are to R. Not just as theoretical forgiveness, but a day to day, up close, gritty forgiveness. To rebuild, we have to keep reliving and facing our trauma until we can learn to live with it. It's really hard.

So I don't think we can compare this trauma with other types of trauma as a general rule. It's a different kind of trauma and only those who have been through other trauma can work out for themselves if it is 'better' or 'worse'.

[This message edited by Fidelia at 5:45 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what happens in our lives, there will always be someone who has it *worse.* That shouldn't diminish the trauma of an A or any other trauma we may encounter.

We need to allow ourselves to FEEL - the good, the bad, and the ugly - without guilt.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6771 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
idiot85
♂ 38934
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a different type of trauma and never "just" and affair.

Saying that, yes there is worse- if anything happened to my family it would be harder for me personally and death is so final BUT this is in someones control- they have chosen to take you down a path that 'could' lead to heartbreak so really- I think it's the worse thing anyone could do that is in their control- especially when they say they love you.

Hope that makes sense!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Comparing traumas is never useful or constructive unless it's in regards to legal repercussions because it serves no purpose other than to minimize. In some cases that can be helpful but telling someone it was "just rape" when they could have anal cancer and their entire family is dying from radiation poisoning is just a shitty thing to do.

There is always something worse out there. While it's something to be thankful for, it doesn't diminish the damage done to our own lives, because at the same time we are the something worse to someone else.

As for physical effects... they do happen. Stress is a major influence on health.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7635 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying.

Infidelity has been an opportunity for me in a lot of ways. Opportunity to grow, to find new ways of living and dealing. It has created an opportunity in my marriage that I'm not sure we would've had without the rock bottom of infidelity (my husband got sober. Not downplaying the gutwrenching pain. At all.
I think those opportunities can be harder to find - but totally there - in tragedies that end with death or severe illness.

I think what you say about unified support is absolutely spot on. Death or physical illness is cut and dried in terms of how the vast majority will respond.

I totally see why support groups for traumatic events can be so beneficial to those experiencing similar trials. This is one reason I am fond of SI. However, I think real life group meetings of people affected by an A would be a dangerous gathering setting...due to the potential for rapid bonding occuring between people in that group...maybe I am wrong, just thought I would mention that
.

I agree. I don't know why, but I do. Group support is notorious in general for sparking affairs. I have no issue with bonding generally. Even bonding with the opposite sex. But...even us BS' with proven ironclad boundaries - we're not always in our right mind for awhile.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 49
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