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Unresolved feelings for AP?

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Theradin posted 4/23/2013 19:42 PM

My WW still has unresolved feelings toward her AP. She has been (mostly) NC for almost 88 days (though she was regularly checking out her AP's FB page until just last week), but she has had no direct contact with him.

I guess I'm asking both WS' and BS'. Is this 'normal' to still have unresolved feelings for an AP after almost 90 days in true R? When do these feelings subside, do they ever, etc.? Anyone share anything similar in their situations?

Darkness Falls posted 4/23/2013 19:54 PM

WS here.

She has been (mostly) NC for almost 88 days (though she was regularly checking out her AP's FB page until just last week), but she has had no direct contact with him.

There's a concept of "mental NC" which goes along with physical NC; the process of redirecting thoughts of AP into more productive things (like figuring out their shit) and resisting urges/impulses to daydream of/think of/"check up on"/online stalk/fondly reminisce/etc. the affair partner. Checking out his FB page is not, under this concept, "NC." It may not be direct contact, but it is still wayward/affair behavior.

Unresolved feelings tend to dissipate more quickly with complete NC (including "mental NC"). I don't know how long is "normal" to have these feelings, as I was not in R with my XH immediately after D-day---we moved directly to divorce. But I do know that the longer and more consistently that positive energy is not directed toward the affair/AP, the less likely that positive or unresolved feelings will remain.

Also, another thing I've learned along this journey: closure is a myth. Relationships---especially affairs---don't always end tied up in a pretty little bow with sunshiney feelings all around. Sometimes things are just OVER. I fell into the "closure" trap myself; never again.

Edited to fix a typo.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 7:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 4/23/2013 20:00 PM

^^^This^^^

Technically she is only NC for a week. Sometimes it takes awhile.

And I agree with Heartbroken0903 about closure. I had to learn that lesson, as well.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 4/23/2013 20:05 PM

She has been (mostly) NC


Is this 'normal' to still have unresolved feelings for an AP after almost 90 days in true R

True R doesn't include the term "mostly NC"

She is keeping the magical special unicorn of the affair alive in her head. Until she kills that beast, true R isn't going to happen.

Might be time to consider the 180.

Lucky posted 4/23/2013 20:07 PM

Is this 'normal' to still have unresolved feelings for an AP after almost 90 days in true R?

As long as she still has feelings for him you aren't in true R.

Every thought, & every action towards him is taking away energy she should be putting into your M and R. Stalking his FB page on a regular basis is still affair mentality, she's still giving him her time, energy, focus, thoughts...

When she completely stops this and begins to turn towards you and the M, then and only then can you say you are in true R. Of course as long as she's doing the hard work to make the R work.

avicarswife posted 4/23/2013 20:10 PM

Well she is not NC is she? Only physical contact but not mental no contact.

Checking out his fb page is contact.

By doing this she holding on to a tenuous link and feeding the buzz she got by seeing him. She sounds like she isn't ready to let go and only she can make that choice.

Has she read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622

and

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

AND this one

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

I printed some of it out for my WH as he wasn't on SI.

Hugs Theradin - it really sticks in your craw and hurts like hell to see them missing the AP so badly, and it is unbelievably cruel when they actually tell you that.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 8:30 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 4/23/2013 20:14 PM

Every thought, & every action towards him is taking away energy she should be putting into your M and R. Stalking his FB page on a regular basis is still affair mentality, she's still giving him her time, energy, focus, thoughts...
For me, right after d-day, until I started turning towards the M and my BH (like Lucky said) on a consistent basis, I dealt with unresolved feelings for AP. It has to be deliberate for a WS, literally every time the AP thought comes into her head, she needs to refocus on what she is working towards.

Eventually, when you consistently do that, the thoughts stop.

blakesteele posted 4/23/2013 20:50 PM

NC is NC. Unfortunately you are only 1 week out from NC.

This would be totally unacceptable in my situation.

If I found out my wife was keeping up in any way with the OM...it would be the end of R. My wife DID email the OM once early on...he did NOT respond, but the hurt from this action will be with me for a long time. The fog....sucks so bad.

Are you in counseling? I believe this is helping us.

Are you strong enough to discuss just why she was checking his FB page?

I remember I had to literally stand over my wifes shoulder and watch her delete him from her FB friends and remove the like of his restaurant. I had to do this because when I checked her computer AFTER DD I found she still had him as a friend and liked his restaurant. It was crazy, but the fog was thick.

In todays tech world there is no way I can tell for sure that my wife has given up following him, but it sounds as if your wife has openly admitted to her actions.

Try to discuss calmly with your wife what your requirements are...be sure of them before the conversation is started...be willing to stick to them once they are stated. I only found out about my wifes email to OM 4 months after it happened...and only found out due to my wifes full confession. IF I had found out about the email on my own, I truly believe we would be divorcing right now. So timing has a role in this, as does the WS strength to be honest. By the time I found out about the email my wife had gotten to a different spot. I NOW use that part of this experience as encouragement that the pain and saddness I feel today could be lessened tomorrow....or a month from now.

Be prepared...she may still be in her fog. Things were said and feelings expressed during my wifes fog that are a part of our history. They have added to the length of time needed for R. This is tough. Hang in there.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:02 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 4/23/2013 22:53 PM

Sorry but you are NOT in true R. She is still pining for the OM and breaking NC by checking up on him. How can the feelings subside when she is keeping him alive and well in her mind and heart? After she really goes NC in all ways, then the clock starts. Then maybe you can get to true R.

heforgotme posted 4/24/2013 08:27 AM

Is this 'normal' to still have unresolved feelings for an AP after almost 90 days in true R?

To me, true R cannot even begin until these feelings are resolved. Until then she is still placing energy somewhere other than with the two of you.

1Faith posted 4/24/2013 10:51 AM

As others have stated you can not begin R without NC.

NC means NO CONTACT period.

If she isn't willing to do that then you have your answer.

Have your tried IC and/or MC?

She needs to figure out what she truly wants and be honest with herself and you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Stay strong and keep moving.

JKL Vikings posted 4/24/2013 11:04 AM

R starts when NC begins. When your WW stops giving OM head space then true NC is in place and R can begin

crazyblindsided posted 4/24/2013 11:39 AM

(((Theradin)))

Please start to 180 for yourself. Sometimes it has the added benefit of defogging these WS's, but it really will benefit you. It did wonders for me.

I agree with the other posters that this is not R if she is still pining.

StillGoing posted 4/24/2013 11:47 AM

NC for almost 88 days (though she was regularly checking out her AP's FB page until just last week), but she has had no direct contact with him.

You don't keep hanging around the bar if you plan to quit drinking.

Like the rest said, NC didn't start until she totally shut him out.

Apple3point14 posted 4/24/2013 11:52 AM

Looks like she is still not sure about R.
I am a ws, I am pourng every ounce I have into r. Nc isn't even a question.
She has to want this, she should be going above and beyond, not having you sit and wait while she sees if he still wants her.
It should be about you right now. Seems like she is still calling the shots

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 2:39 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Theradin posted 4/24/2013 20:50 PM

Thanks for everyone's reply to this thread. It has been incredibly helpful!!

My WW and I talked a bit more, and dug into what she meant by 'feelings for the AP', and she told me that it really isn't feelings for the OM, in particular, but she has unresolved feelings about herself, about the past, that would have allowed her to even 'go there'. If that makes sense? So, while she says she doesn't have unresolved feelings for the OM, she has unresolved feelings about herself and about the whole A incident, as a whole. Does that make sense? Anyone else experiencing that? Or have experienced that?

Any advice/comments greatly appreciated!

circlingthedrain posted 4/25/2013 06:03 AM

she told me that it really isn't feelings for the OM, in particular, but she has unresolved feelings about herself, about the past, that would have allowed her to even 'go there'

This is not entirely consistent with regularly checking his facebook page. I think she is not being entirely honest with you or herself. Either way, she needs to get to the bottom of it if you are to have a real 'R'.

brokensmile322 posted 4/25/2013 07:27 AM

I agree.


she has unresolved feelings about herself, about the past, that would have allowed her to even 'go there'. If that makes sense? So, while she says she doesn't have unresolved feelings for the OM, she has unresolved feelings about herself and about the whole A incident, as a whole.

^^While this may be true, it is NOT true that she would stalk his FB page because of her feelings of why she even had an A. If it was only her unresolved feelings about herself and why she did it in the first place, she would want to stay far away from him. She wouldn't want to be staying in 'his world' by seeing what he is up to, looking at his pictures, and seeing if he is happy, etc...

IMHO, looking at the Facebook is a way for her to gauge if he is moving on, if he is happy without her, if he is R with his SO if he has one, etc...

Think about it, most of us stalk the OW on FB. I have. It does take a lot of my mental energy. If she looks happy, I am angry that I am hurting. I compare myself etc... I am mentally allowing her to still matter in my life.

On the flip side, your WW is/was doing the same thing by checking on him. It was not NC. Do not let her sing you a song about her not having feelings for him anymore. He should be blocked on her account.

I, myself, am coming around to also going mental NC with the OW. I am not there yet, but I am getting there. My IC has told me that the constant checking will destroy me.

Your WW, still being foggy, may have not realized that the mental NC was important. I am hoping that now that you have brought it to the forefront, she will see that she needs to do so. This whole thing is a process. She stumbled. If she is truly wanting to R, she will pick herself up, dust herself off and go true NC. Good luck!

1Faith posted 4/25/2013 11:44 AM

Is your WW willing to go to IC and MC?

The IC will help her really understand why she chose to cheat in the first place.


"she has unresolved feelings about herself, about the past, that would have allowed her to even 'go there'. If that makes sense? So, while she says she doesn't have unresolved feelings for the OM, she has unresolved feelings about herself and about the whole A incident, as a whole".

She needs to understand herself before a true R can happen. IC can help her with this and then perhaps MC can help you both towards R.

NC is NC is NC...regarless of means. No FB, no text, no calls, no meetings NOTHING.

You have to set YOUR boundaries now. What YOU will and/or won't accept. Contact with the OP should be at the top of your list.

Stay strong and keep moving.

(((hugs)))

libertyrocks posted 4/25/2013 12:29 PM

oh my gosh, no sweetie. That's not good. I thought I had it bad with a SA, he didn't care about any of them. I could see how this could tear you apart. You need to talk to her...

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