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i am a horrible man in R :(

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Strawda posted 4/23/2013 19:59 PM

[This message edited by Strawda at 8:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Strawda posted 4/23/2013 20:09 PM

I didnt know if this should bin in waywerd or in reconcile. So i picd in hear since deals with working on my R. Ive bin honist with qestions thes passd 2days an telling befor even asked even today. An thats first time i had without any trickl trueth or lies. So BS sed ty she was hurt badly hearing but glad i sed trueth for once. I was a player befor the relationship. Tould BS i was even befor. So thats bin in her mind now alot awile after this holl mess happind and i had manny As. I do love her and want to be with her. An she still wants me or wouldnt be bathering with me. Today her fear came out in a question. How do you know you didnt realy know what you where doing holl time an was part of the thrill since you where a player you sed? Hears what i sed. Comment ideas. Good or bad.

As bad as it is and painfull for me to see. An i am sure this be realy painfull for you. I could see a high chance of who i was befor i got with you as the player when i was single affecting who i was while with you :( i did think that i was doing wronge at times and some reson made ok to keep doing it. I can see manny instansess that i knew what i was doing and just not thinking the outcome. Just the hear and now thrills. I can see i loved the thrill of women atracted tword me and part not being cought. I see i had a high heart beet anytime i was streying. Fears and excitement as well. Fuck in a way i braught the distruction with me to the relationshio. Had the know how i did and didnt stop my self and protect what i had and truely wanted in life :'( why damnit why. Why would i knowingly do all i did and ruin a chance at a great life with somone i love why? I am a knowing cheat and didnt see it fully why :( fuck i feel sick...

[This message edited by authenticnow at 8:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Lyonesse posted 4/23/2013 21:57 PM

Good or bad.

Well, you are trying to give honest answers, so that is good. Your BS is quiet because she is processing this, trying to figure out what it means.

My take on this? On the one hand, it shows that this was either a core belief that you absorbed from your environment (being around other guys who acted like being a “player” was somehow admirable) or that it was a poor coping mechanism for other problems/fears, which you have used for a long time. If you can recognize that, you can change it. At least your BS will see it had nothing to do with her –you had already developed some system of “not thinking about the outcome” and not thinking about your BS. That is pretty common for waywards, so you are certainly not alone.

On the other hand, hearing that the WS has always been wayward, a “serial cheater,” is disheartening. It makes the BS wonder if change is really possible.

I did think that way when I first came on this website, but as I read more stories I realized most WS had wayward thinking in one way or the other, even if they had not committed infidelity before. The messed-up thought processes were there. The number of times or the length of the affair may matter to your BS, but they do NOT determine whether or not you are going to be able to make healthy changes and learn a new way. THAT is up to you and only you.

If you are committed to that, let your BS know. Let her know you are realize your whole world view was incompatible with truly loving her the way she deserved, and that you are committed to growing up, beginning to understand yourself, and becoming the man you want to be.

Jospehine85 posted 4/23/2013 22:10 PM

Lyonesse has given you good advice.

Right now your BS is going to need you to be strong for her and to be there when she needs you.

Listen to her. Keep answering her questions honestly.

By helping your BS to heal through this you will be a good person Strawda. You can do it. You can heal yourself too. You are half way there simply recognizing why you did it.

Strawda posted 4/24/2013 10:32 AM

I found out my BS didnt get my reply to her qestiin. So now fear i made her think i was egnoring the qestion. Tell she saw it on SI. Now she is dealing with my reply i thought she got. So another day of fears and pain inside her. I hate i such a let down. I am hear for her. I now have prove i wont be as i was. Thats the new fear in BS. That i will do all i did again an not want to change. But i do and i will. An i hope in time it shows to her i do.

Lyonesse posted 4/24/2013 10:51 AM

One good sign is that you are able to recognize her fears and focus on them.

My WH was so wrapped up in his own fears that he did not empathize with mine, and that caused so much additional damage.

Another good sign is that you are posting here and seeking a way forward.

Keep at it. It will be hard, but you do have good things going for you.

Strawda posted 4/24/2013 11:05 AM

O dong get me wronge i ket my fears controle alot. An it has made manny problems for us. I am trying to see and empithys. I just realy need to keep learning and change for my self anf my BS :( i need her and love her alot. An all ive done makes hard to prove i do. I have posted on hear more thes days yes. But BS has posted way more and read more. I am trying to put in work and my shair. Cuss is up to me if i prove or not we can work. An her puc to exsept me or not.

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