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He thinks this is a game

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HelpMe123 posted 4/23/2013 20:22 PM

So I saw WS for the first time since finding out he had a full blown girlfriend on the side. I mainly tried to talk about child care while I work, but I did ask him "please tell me how long this has really been going on" he said "2 years". I know he's full of bull! Then he says "well actually I'm married" we are not married but have been together 12 years. He then said "and if I'm not married maybe I will be soon so I can introduce her to L (out sons initial). I just walked away but it killed me inside. He then had a friend park their car in our driveway. When I saw the car I had no idea who it belonged to. I texted him saying "idk who's car that is but I'm going to call the police because I'm unaware of someone being here." He didn't respond. When he pulled in the driveway I said "who's car is that". He said its "my girlfriends" his friend was sitting next to him and I told his friend "if ur going to leave ur car here u need to tell me otherwise it'll be towed next time". His friend just laughed at me. This isn't funny, this isn't a game so I don't understand why WS thinks it is :( he knows I can't eat, sleep, and I barely function since this all began.

fourever posted 4/23/2013 21:29 PM

I'm so sorry. But WTF!! He's a 50 year old man and he's acting like a fifteen year old.
Can you go silent on him? Stop letting him draw you into his idiotic game.
Who knows why he feels he needs to treat you this way? Perhaps he's trying to get you to react to justify his guilt. Whatever his sick motivation is, don't let him see anything that gets under your skin. Continue putting your ducks in a row without him. I also think you should try to find child care and not depend on him for anything if at all posible.
Is it possible to ask his dad for child care funds? Does he know what his son is doing to his family? I see no reason his behavior should be kept secret.. Especially since he's acting like a dick.
Keep up your care, and your children's.

Jospehine85 posted 4/23/2013 21:58 PM

HelpMe have you been to a lawyer? Your WS sounds nutty. You need to do everything you can right now to protect yourself and your child.

See a lawyer ASAP and find out what is the best way to get away from him. Document EVERYTHING.

Housefulloflove posted 4/23/2013 22:01 PM

What an evil SOB!!

I agree that you should cut off contact with him as much as possible. Treat him like the malignant growth that he is and remove him from your life immediately! Communicate about finances and kid stuff only non-verbally. He's already acting like a giant ass so who cares if he becomes a pissed off giant ass.

rumorhasit posted 4/23/2013 22:54 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this! My XWBF is like this too.

-the friday BEFORE I left him, he got mad at his daughter's mom, started yelling awful things at her that "his gf makes 75k a year" (I sure dont make that much, hmm..) and he was going to get 90% custody, then OW grabbed the phone and went off on her.

- Right after I broke up with him he changed his fb status to "In a domestic partnership" w OW. A few days later they were "engaged". XWBF said it was a JOKE. That "they" thought it was funny. Huh?

- He continues to post stuff with <3<3<3 to her on fb. He should be ashamed!

I don't know if its a coping thing, trying to make it funny, or what but its immature and obnoxious and a horrible example. (((Hugs)))

newlysingle posted 4/24/2013 00:27 AM

Holy shit. What an asshole! Aren't you the one that lives across the street from him? Will you be moving soon? I really think it would be in your best interest. You need to remove yourself from that situation and go NC. When you're NC he will have less chances to hurt you and you can heal.

Please be careful. Situations like this can turn violent. I know when STBX and I were still living in the same house, it got really ugly. We never fought viciously like we did after I discovered the A. I really started to be afraid that we would be violent with each other. Him moving out was the best thing for everyone.

InRetrospect posted 4/24/2013 00:31 AM

He is a cruel sadistic MF and you are better off without him. (Just my humble opinion).

Dear lord, what an asshole.

stillhere09 posted 4/24/2013 02:50 AM

I'm sorry he's such an ass.

Don't play his game. If a car appears in your drive again, call the cops. Don't contact him in any way for any reason. If he begins another game, again, call the cops.

In regards to child care, I wouldn't want him around my kids. Document everything he does and show it to a judge if he pushes for visitation. If a babysitter acted the way he does, I'm sure you would fire the sitter. Do you have a relative that can babysit? Perhaps you could get a roommate who can babysit in exchange for room and board, as long as she buys her own food & etc.

Holly-Isis posted 4/24/2013 06:05 AM

Document and file for harassment. You should already have a lawyer to deal with your DS's custody and CS issues.

Is there anyone you can out him to?

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:06 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

HelpMe123 posted 4/24/2013 06:51 AM

Yes I live across the street from him and he runs a business off the property I am residing at while he is now full time residing with his dad (he use to split his time between the 2). I have a degree that pertains to law and have been fight my exH whom I have 3 older kids for the last 14 years so I am very educated with how family law works in my area. It is not black and white/cut and dry. I am however making preparations every chance I have. I am torn between moving back home but with that means no job, very poor area, schools are not even close academically but I would have family. Stay in this area have a job, but rent is VERY expensive, no sitters (yet), and no family. My WS is pushing for me to go back home which makes me want to stay locally. He has already agreed to give me sole legal custody as long as he gets one weekend visitation per month. I have had a lawyer write it up just waiting for him to sign. I hope to god to be out of here by mid June but I will not leave before the school year ends unless I do stay locally and find an affordable rental in the same elementary school area. I have counseling 2 times a week, but non of this is helping me eat, sleep, or stop crying. It seems to be all about $ at this point cuz if I had enough of it I would be out of here already :(

Ostrich80 posted 4/24/2013 12:22 PM

Isn't your DD just this month? And he's already calling her gf and bringing her around. The man hasn't a shred of decency. Please detach from his cold blooded ass. Geez unbelievable.

HelpMe123 posted 4/24/2013 12:59 PM

Yep today is day 14 :(
I don't know if he's just being a dick by calling her his girlfriend or what the deal is. He says he's married, then he says he's going to be, all while laughing his ass off. He said he's going to introduce her to my son and if marrying her is the only way ill allow it then he will marry her over the summer then finishes it with, "that's if I'm not already married". I truly believe he just started this relationship because when I overheard him on the phone with her (that was Dday) he was telling her about things that happened 3 years ago, and telling her about his dad being retired military. I would assume if he had been in a longer relationship she would already know those things. I also overheard him tell her (regarding me) "she doesn't want me, she just doesn't want anybody else to have me either" which was not true at all. I love him, but that feeling is turning to hate very quickly. My sister said something to me today and I was wondering what others think. She said "if he didn't still love u he wouldn't want to intentionally hurt you, he wouldn't be mean like he's being, and he wouldn't want u to take DS so far away, he wouldn't care if u lived close by, he just wouldn't care about anything. He's being this way because he's pissed he got caught cheating and he's doing and saying anything he can to make it look like what hes done is not wrong and ur to blame for his miserable existence". Idk any thoughts?

permanentpain posted 4/24/2013 13:14 PM

Actions speak louder than words... And his actions say he loves only himself. No regards for you or your son. I believe your sister is right about him trying to blame u for his mistakes. However, if u have a romanticized notion about him loving you so much that his way of showing you is by hurting you, then I suggest you read other posts from the more seasoned veterans. If he loved you, he would treat you like a human being and he would not try to hurt u OR ur child. Hell, he wouldn't think its a game. There are wayward spouses here that did the crime, but put in the effort to reconcile without this disgusting cruelty you're going through. Good luck to you, but the best piece of advise I heard on this website was look at his actions as if it were a movie, not his words because they mean absolutely nothing. Good luck and hugs to you!

stillhere09 posted 4/24/2013 17:27 PM

Well, the opposite of love is not hate; it is disinterest, no emotion towards the person you once loved, being emotionally detached. However, the phase we go through to reach that state is often hatred. In my opinion, this is what your WH is doing now. He is also displaying immaturity in the extreme. I want to say this gently . . . This is not love. This is the aftereffects of love from someone who is immature.

If he loved you, he would treat you like a human being and he would not try to hurt u OR ur child. Hell, he wouldn't think its a game.

I have to agree with the above quote.

I can understand your dilemma as to where to live. I think I would want to move back home, if I were in your shoes. You may not make as much money there, but the housing would be cheaper, so that would go a long way in making up for it. Having family near you means everything at a time like this. I know from experience. Also, when I moved back home, it was very freeing, like starting my life over. I was able to put him in my past and begin anew.

NoraLee posted 4/24/2013 18:56 PM

He is a dick - go NC - NC means no new hurts. And dont stay just because he doesn't want you to - don't cut off your nose to spite your face... If it were your sister going through this same abuse - would you tell her to stay?

Theradin posted 4/24/2013 21:52 PM


I am so sorry you are going through this. But you are being played and abused. You need to get out of there ASAP. Care for yourself and your child. Save EVERY text/email/etc. that he is sending you. Try to find an attorney in your area who specializes in this area. If you have any difficulty paying (not sure if you do or not, so I'm just throwing this out there just in case), many attorney's will represent you on a sliding scale. The #1 priority in your life should be you and your child(ren). This guy is seriously *BROKEN*, and does not need to be exposed to you or your children.

I know the pain you must be feeling, but try to find that momma strength inside you to persevere and be strong for you and your family. You will come out of this MUCH better, happier and healthier. Just keep fighting and being strong.

HelpMe123 posted 4/24/2013 22:08 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice and kind far as staying, I am staying in the house until I find a place. My dilema (in my mind) is he keeps telling me to take our son and move 120 miles away. Well WS's ex wife was from another country and when they seperated he told her to go back to her country and she did! He sees his 2 kids with her very rarely. When they were little they came every summer,most of their lives he and I have been together so I manily cared for them.Since we have been living partially seperated for 3 years they have not come 1 time. He went to see them for 1 week each year and that's it. I feel like he just throws his families away when he has a rough patch. I want to stay locally to show him he cannot tell me to leave the area and I just oblige him. I have family back home yes, but nothing else. No job, no income, no home, it's a very poor area, higher crime, lesser schooling systems. Here the only reason to not stay is it's very expensive. I have found a friend that would like to move from her parents home and has agreed to be roommates. Which is great but I do have a fear of depending on others to follow through with things that greatly affect me. We are looking at places on Friday so hopefully that will eliminate some of my fears.
Now can I just vent for a sec? WS did follow through on babysitting for our son this evening so I can go to work. When he dropped him off he asked for the custody agreement I had my lawyer write up. WS verbally told me he would sign over sole legal custody if I moved by June 15, and gave him visitation of one weekend per month so the agreement states as such. I pray he signs it. But, when he was here dropping of our son he was dressed to go out. I didn't let it show that it annoyed me and his parting words were "have fun" even though I had said nothing to him except regarding our son. I just feel like I am being taunted and why is it that he can just move onto some other woman?

hopefulmother posted 4/25/2013 09:16 AM

The best thing you can do at this point is to move on with your life. As fast as possible. Show him what he gave up. Be sweet to the point it makes you want to throw up. Show him how happy you can be without him. Would he be upset if you started dating again?

HelpMe123 posted 4/25/2013 09:32 AM

I'm not sure at this moment since in his mind he has someone else. I must say dating isn't even a thought in my head. The site of men makes me want to vomit right now (sorry guys ).

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