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Need hugs, soothing affirmations, calming thoughts

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Sunnie posted 4/23/2013 20:45 PM

I went to IC yesterday and therapist gave me a wheel representing/listing all the different forms of abuse. As homework, she asked me to circle all those that xH did. I'm doing my homework now and I feel like someone punched me in the gut.

So far I have:
- using male privilege by defining men's and women's roles and acting like the master of the castle (for example, expecting supper ready every night when he walked through the door)
- making light of my concerns about the relationship
- putting me down and making me feel bad about myself (he said some really really mean things to me that I am ashamed to even think about never mind repeat to anyone)

- making me feel like I am crazy
- playing mind games
- making me feel guilty about not doing all the things to please him in the relationship
- shifting responsibility for his abusive behavior (everything, including the affair, was always my fault)

How did I put up with all these behaviors for so long? I made excuses, justifications, tried to protect him. I didn't know it was abuse. Now I'm coming to the realization of how much of a total scumbag he is but at the same time I feel so sad for having stuck around so long, for having been so naive, for having hurt myself so much in the process.

caregiver9000 posted 4/23/2013 20:56 PM


It gets better. Seeing the truth is part of the healing process. Forgiving yourself is too. Don't beat yourself up for doing the best you could with the marriage you thought you had.

The realization you have now can help you move forward. Look forward as often as you can.

Kajem posted 4/23/2013 21:03 PM

This exercise will help you recognize and let go of the toxicity that people bring into your life.

You believed in him... you trusted him to protect you, You thought you were dealing with someone who was normal.

It isn't your fault he is not normal, he lied, he took your trust and used that to keep you hooked so he could abuse you further.

It isn't your fault, abuse is insidious like smoke seeping under the door from a fire in the basement... your breathing it without even realizing it. the smoke like abuse can kill you silently.... or not so silently... depends on how hot things get.

Forgive yourself for not realizing the smoke was seeping under the door. Abusers are super great con artists... otherwise how could we smart women have fallen for them?



Sunnie posted 4/23/2013 21:11 PM

Seeing the truth is part of the healing process

Thank you for that, it is a good one. I will write this down in my list of healing affirmations.

I was never really good at facing my emotions, or other people's emotions, or the truth, when they were ugly. One good thing about the A, the D and all the work I do in IC is that I am learning not to bury my head in the sand anymore. I know I need to confront the past, it scares me, it is so uncomfortable but you are right that I cannot move forward until I do it.

Thank you Kajem too. I know he was super smooth and deceptive but I thought I knew him (like when he said I am the only person in the world who understands him and knows him so well )

[This message edited by Sunnie at 9:12 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Lyonesse posted 4/23/2013 21:22 PM

There are many, many people who have walked the same path you are walking now. There is no fault in not having seen his behavior for what it was earlier. That kind of manipulation is very well disguised. You are walking into sunshine and health, and you decided to find the right therapist to help you walk that path. That is something to be proud of, because so many people to not get that far.

The good news is that you DO have that punched in the gut feeling - that you are able to recognize that you cannot accept that behavior any longer. You are not trying to convince yourself that it is otherwise. It is painful to face, but you are braving it out. The temporary pain of realization now is a small price to pay to escape years more of the subtle diminuation of your soul.

newlysingle posted 4/24/2013 15:34 PM

OMG, reading that list makes me realize how abusive my STBXH was too. I answered yes to everything except the first one.

This is really eye opening and I would guess it would serve you well in the healing process. Makes me think I need to find a new therapist as I haven't been very happy with mine.

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