I am such in a funk right now. I am worried, weary and confused. I am so loosing me. I don't know what to do. Now that I am seriously considering letting go, why is it so much harder? Is it truly the right thing to do? Logic and my heart says yes. So what is the issue for me?
No answers for you but definitely empathy. hugs
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
I read a book that was helpful back when I was in limbo. I think it was titled "Too Bad to Stay/Too Good to Leave", or something like that. Perhaps it would be helpful for you, too?
I have discovered that D sucks, but the life I had with him sucked worse. It wasn't always that way, but his continual lying and cheating was destroying me.
D didn't make me happy. It gave me a peace that I needed, but it didn't fix all that was broken.
It's a hard decision to make.
I would suggest the old list idea. Put the good and the bad on a list side by side.
All I can say is that it is true that you DO get stronger. You WILL handle whatever you have to face. Now you can live your life the way YOU want. You'll be fine. It just takes time.
Fear kept me from filing. I spoke to a lawyer and didn't actually file until 6 months later. If logic and your heart say yes then my guess is fear of the unknown or just fear. At least that is what is was for me. Once you take the first step it gets easier. If you do decide to file please remember to think of it as a business deal. You want to get the best deal possible for you via your Lawyer. Don't let emotion get in the way because you don't know how you wil feel several months or years from now. You likely will not be so worried about him then. I wish you the best. The process does come with anxiety but you get stronger as you go. Also it puts a light at the end of the tunnel. So you have something to aim for. Focus on you and what you want and you will be fine.
I don't regret D at all. I regret that I married someone that hurt me so badly, that disregarded me and my feelings and let me think I was crazy because I couldn't get over it (I couldn't get over it, because it wasn't over...and my body was screaming that he was lying, but I had no proof until 3 years later).
I regret that I stayed 3 years longer than I should have, since most of those years were emotionally abusive.
Once your heart catches up with your head, you will be ready, it will still take a lot of emotional healing, but that is why time is always the answer, not another person, that gets you through it. That's another reason why these affairs don't last, we are in their heart and soul too, even if they think we aren't.
However, I think my decision to try and work on what was obviously a toxic marriage, rather than divorce immediately, began with my overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt for what I had done to him, and our son, mostly.
But, he doesn't deserve someone to stay out of guilt. He needs to start moving on with his life, just as you need to start moving on with yours. If you aren't really in it anymore, all you are doing is delaying both of your healing processes. I am also a bit fearful to cut the cord completely. It symbolizes the loss of my hopes and dreams for what my life would be. And it is hard to come to terms with that. Nobody gets married thinking they are going to divorce, but when you got married, you also thought you would be honored and cherished, and that hasn't happened.
If your list has more bad than good, then it is probably time to call a spade and spade and fold em. That way, you can truly move on with your life.
Best wishes to you in this journey.
Status - Divorcing
Except before, the pages were semi-written already in the morning and you probably knew what the day/week/month/year of married life would bring. Even with pain, there's a bizarre comfort in that.
Now, you seem at the point where you know the next chapter of your life is beginning, but it was not planned and snuck up on you. So it has blank pages that need to be written.
Choosing to turn that page and go on alone is one of the hardest things in life. I am doing that now, too.
I hope the new pages in my book will be with written with brightly colored ink.
I wish you well.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
BS feel inclined to file for divorce when the WS sleeps with another and then moves in with the POSOM. I didn't really have a choice. If I did nothing (which WW would have prefered), I would feel weak, powerless and be a doormat. Filing was cathartic for me. It makes the statement that I am moving on, closing a chapter and extracating her from my day to day life. The sooner it is over the only contact I need to have is regarding weekly child care schedules. Bitch.
[This message edited by allatsea at 5:04 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]