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Newest Member: Notnemore (60749)

User Topic: Seriously Considering Filing for Divorce
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seriously considering filing, but I don't know what is keeping me from just doing it. I have seen a lawyer. I have done research. I have learned that he is entitled to half of my retirement, which I am fine with. He will need it. I am still early enough in my career that I should be able to make it up just fine by the end. I guess I also worry about him, although he hurt me and continually does so. I am done and I want to move on.

I am such in a funk right now. I am worried, weary and confused. I am so loosing me. I don't know what to do. Now that I am seriously considering letting go, why is it so much harder? Is it truly the right thing to do? Logic and my heart says yes. So what is the issue for me?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36599
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same place. It's very difficult to cut that last lifeline to what was supposed to be our lives. I wish things were different but they aren't. I hate this limbo but just can't take that next step.

No answers for you but definitely empathy. hugs

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there's the standby "fear of the unknown". Then there's "not wanting this to be it" and "I really don't want to be divorced but I really don't want to be married to this jerk".

I read a book that was helpful back when I was in limbo. I think it was titled "Too Bad to Stay/Too Good to Leave", or something like that. Perhaps it would be helpful for you, too?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day #2 was the catalyst that forced my hand with asking for a D.

I have discovered that D sucks, but the life I had with him sucked worse. It wasn't always that way, but his continual lying and cheating was destroying me.

D didn't make me happy. It gave me a peace that I needed, but it didn't fix all that was broken.

It's a hard decision to make.

I would suggest the old list idea. Put the good and the bad on a list side by side.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Off hand I'd say it is a bit of depression caused by the fear for the future.

All I can say is that it is true that you DO get stronger. You WILL handle whatever you have to face. Now you can live your life the way YOU want. You'll be fine. It just takes time.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses. I go over the "list" constantly in my mind. I can't think of a single reason to stay, except I feel sorry for him and that isn't good enough anymore.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because he is entitled to half your retirement doesn't mean he will get it. My WW was entitled to half of mine but she didn't get it. Divorce is a negotiation and business deal.

Fear kept me from filing. I spoke to a lawyer and didn't actually file until 6 months later. If logic and your heart say yes then my guess is fear of the unknown or just fear. At least that is what is was for me. Once you take the first step it gets easier. If you do decide to file please remember to think of it as a business deal. You want to get the best deal possible for you via your Lawyer. Don't let emotion get in the way because you don't know how you wil feel several months or years from now. You likely will not be so worried about him then. I wish you the best. The process does come with anxiety but you get stronger as you go. Also it puts a light at the end of the tunnel. So you have something to aim for. Focus on you and what you want and you will be fine.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2199 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say that pity isn't a good reason to stay.

I don't regret D at all. I regret that I married someone that hurt me so badly, that disregarded me and my feelings and let me think I was crazy because I couldn't get over it (I couldn't get over it, because it wasn't over...and my body was screaming that he was lying, but I had no proof until 3 years later).

I regret that I stayed 3 years longer than I should have, since most of those years were emotionally abusive.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You went into this marriage thinking it was for life. You even stayed after dd#1 as you were still committed. A person with integrity and is loyal will have a hard time because their heart and soul were in for the good and bad. Once you have bonded with another soul, it is hard to not to have a connection, especially a sexual relationship. That is why affairs kill marriages, because they now have this connection with that other person.

Once your heart catches up with your head, you will be ready, it will still take a lot of emotional healing, but that is why time is always the answer, not another person, that gets you through it. That's another reason why these affairs don't last, we are in their heart and soul too, even if they think we aren't.

Posts: 2327 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 38722
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this same boat. I am a WS, but I am married to an SA, who acted out with Porn daily. I felt as if he was having an affair for 6 years, which is why I felt justified in mine, but that is a whole other story, as I don't feel that justification any more.

However, I think my decision to try and work on what was obviously a toxic marriage, rather than divorce immediately, began with my overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt for what I had done to him, and our son, mostly.

But, he doesn't deserve someone to stay out of guilt. He needs to start moving on with his life, just as you need to start moving on with yours. If you aren't really in it anymore, all you are doing is delaying both of your healing processes. I am also a bit fearful to cut the cord completely. It symbolizes the loss of my hopes and dreams for what my life would be. And it is hard to come to terms with that. Nobody gets married thinking they are going to divorce, but when you got married, you also thought you would be honored and cherished, and that hasn't happened.

If your list has more bad than good, then it is probably time to call a spade and spade and fold em. That way, you can truly move on with your life.

Best wishes to you in this journey.

WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for these wise responses.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like a point that I got to recently, where you "just knew" in your gut that it was over. There's no more hanging on to the page, but turning a new one in the chapters of your life.

Except before, the pages were semi-written already in the morning and you probably knew what the day/week/month/year of married life would bring. Even with pain, there's a bizarre comfort in that.

Now, you seem at the point where you know the next chapter of your life is beginning, but it was not planned and snuck up on you. So it has blank pages that need to be written.

Choosing to turn that page and go on alone is one of the hardest things in life. I am doing that now, too.

I hope the new pages in my book will be with written with brightly colored ink.

I wish you well.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♂ 38923
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I reached a certain point in the process the decision to file was more straight forward.
For me, if there are no signs of change, remorse
or willingness, and the actions of WS confirm this, there is nothing to lose by filing. I don't see it as the last lifeline of the marriage because the marriage is already dead. WS killed it. She never even considered R and took the kids and moved in with him as soon as possible. If there had been a period of contemplation and space then I would have held off, but she made a very firm gesture of moving into a new house with him.

BS feel inclined to file for divorce when the WS sleeps with another and then moves in with the POSOM. I didn't really have a choice. If I did nothing (which WW would have prefered), I would feel weak, powerless and be a doormat. Filing was cathartic for me. It makes the statement that I am moving on, closing a chapter and extracating her from my day to day life. The sooner it is over the only contact I need to have is regarding weekly child care schedules. Bitch.

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:04 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
♀ 35238
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though I was not the person who originally posted, this discussion has been so helpful to me. I am in a similar situation and it's nice to know that I'm not alone

BS: Me (44)
XH: Husband (49)
Married 10 years
Two children 9 & 20 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Divorced - 6/18/15

Posts: 458 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 28391
Member # 28391
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i too am in a similar situation.... My WH A was 3 years ago and ever since then our M has been on an up and down roller coaster. I finally hit a brick wall about 5-6 weeks ago when he betrayed my trust twice by getting another woman's phone # and going to a strip club behind my back. He doesnt understand when i tell him i'm almost out the door. He waits til now to tell me he will do all he can to make our marriage work but in my mind i feel it's too late. he should have said this all along..I'm ready to make my move but i'm scared.. Scared of the future & scared of the guilt i am feeling because of our boys.. They are so young.. He already told me i would traumatize them if i left.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2010
Topic Posts: 15

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