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Bs askd a fear of hers today. Ive bin fully honist past couple days no tricks no lies. First the holl time of R. So bs is hurting but glad i true. Today she askd if i Was i a player during the relationship cuss you where befor you met me? An i tould BS i was such when i was single. Hears all. Qestion if i was a player oerhaps in the relationship and got a thrill from it. i sed to her all below. Im not sure about cussing on this site. I appologize if im not supost to. But hears word for word what i sed.

As bad as it is and painfull for me to see. An i am sure this be realy painfull for you. I could see a high chance of who i was befor i got with you as the player i was single affecting who i was while with you :( i did think that i was doing wronge at times and some reson made ok to keep doing it. I can see manny instansess that i knew what i was doing and just not thinking the outcome. Just the hear and now thrills. I can see i loved the thrill of women atracted tword me and part not being cought. I see i had a high heart beet anytime i was streying. Fears and excitement as well. Fuck in ade err way i braught the distruction with me to the relationshio. Had the know how i did and didnt stop my self and protect what i had and truely wanted in life :'( why damnit why. Why would i knowing do all i did and ruin a chance at a great life with somone i love why? I am a knowing cheat and didnt see it fully why :( fuck i feel sick...

Thoughts? What i do? Or sey to help BS fter such pain?

BS hasnt sed mutch after. Hrs of qiet :(

Can I ask...how old are you Strawda? You don't have to answer, just trying to put things in perspective...

What kind of role models did you have growing up? Was being a player considered a "positive" thing in the world you grew up in? Media, whether TV, music, movies, whatever...has twisted so much of what is real in our lives, so how much of that may have played a role, whether it was you seeing these things, or others you might have hung out with who emulated these things based on what they thought would give them more power and prestige from those around them?

Can you see that all of that is just a cover to push down the real fear that is inside of them? inside of you?

It's a load of shit. And you can swear as much as you fucking want to on this site...except for two c-words which I think you can probably figure out on your own...those will earn you a flag from the mods...

IMO, who you were can't be changed, but who you become is up to what you are willing to do with yourself from here on out. Are you going to be authentic and honest with yourself and those you love? or are you going to not do the work an revert back to who you were before?

I am 27... honistly i didnt have a role model. No father around. Older brother kickd my ass alot growing up. Mother and everyone els in my familey are emotionaly disconected. We never where a talking familey. I hid as a chiled and played games in my room. An hung with outcasts thruout highschool. Then hid in my room an played games didnt sleep alot and workd. My grandfatjer was somone i looked up to. But he died when i was like 10. My familey is made up of cheats. Alcahalics. Drugys. Assholls and selfeshnes. I was blacksheep who didnt fallow them. Tell now being a cheat. I still am the blacksheep. I am going to IC but ones who know i am sey why it wont help. Not ti sure if i awnserd your qestion lol. Cover to hide the real fear? I dont understand. Ide do anything for my BS an i eill change i wont fall back my old self. Want a life as a real person to bad. An a life with my BS to mutch to let her down or my self.

Growing up in the dysfunction that was your childhood, there is just a lot of pain inherent in that situation. Any child has some very basic needs, and when those needs aren't met by the people who should be meeting them, the child is going to experience a lot of inner turmoil and emotions that they don't have the capability to deal with. So they look for ways to cope. They model the behavior of those around them. They find ways to minimize the pain and hurt of not being loved in a healthy way.

This "player" persona that you created was a way for you to get your needs met IMO. Once you met your BS, it would have been nice if things changed for you in how you dealt with life, but it didn't. You probably knew your BS was different, and you knew that you should be doing things differently, but it never worked in the past, so the old behaviors won out, because that was what kept you safe back when you were a kid.

That is what I mean by covering for the fear. I believe that most people have a scared little kid inside of them that they "know" is there, but that they protect by being whoever they present themselves to be outwardly. It isn't a matter of people needing to tell everyone their life story the first time they meet someone. It's just a matter of each of us recognizing that scared child inside of us. For me, I have a specific image of me as an eight year old boy standing in the front lawn of the house I grew up in. All that little 8-yo me wanted was to feel like I was taken care of and made to feel safe. For whatever reason, I didn't feel that way when I was growing up, even though I had a very "normal" upbringing. Even years out, I don't really know why I feel that way, but the fact that I've recognized that little scared kid inside of me, it has helped me to change who I am and how I trust people. I still put myself out there and find myself disappointed often, but I've changed how I deal with that rather than using my coping mechanisms to stuff it down and not deal with it.

So, Strawda, this may or may not be the situation for you, but it sounds like you had it rough as a kid, and that maybe you've never really dealt with it at the level that you need to in order to make some big changes in your life. Based on your BS's posts, I'm betting that she is ready and willing, and has been all along, to be there for you in your own healing process. You have to learn to trust that she is in this because she does love you. It sounds like that is something new for you.

Like I said, this may or may not be the case for you. It's just what I read in your situation.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 7:25 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

I found out my tex to BS never sent and she didnt get it. She didnt see it tell she saw on SI. That prob made me seem as if i was hiden from her qestion now :( i tryd make sure she new i did send thou.

You make alot sence and sound like my BS in alot ways. My BS always sed knowing who i am and stand for will be hardest thing i will ever do. An that i need to see my past effects who you are as a aduilt. Ive spoke to BS about it off an on. Its hard to see who you become in life when you dont stop and realy see it. An dont put in any work to change. I am less than for not putting in the work. The hard work. An i love my BS and more self gratafication as well. An i beleave i can change. I just hope she takes me back after reading all i sed tword her fear or any of the other fears she has. Only time wil tell thou.