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Being understanding

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Lionne posted 4/23/2013 22:47 PM

In a nutshell...I was probably the MOST understanding wife in the entire universe. I was patient when he lost job after job, bending over backwards to make him feel better. I was supportive as he pursued degree after degree even though it meant all the home jobs and childcare fell to me for yet another 30 credits. I was understanding when he "forgot" to call, to do the chores I was counting on, forgot to pay the bills, and was caught in the first, second and third EAs (much later to be discovered to be PAs I wasn't so understanding then) I was even understanding initially when I suspected strip clubs, and tried to express my concern in a non-threatening way. Of course, part of my understanding was a result of his grooming of me. I quickly learned that he raged if I expressed legitimate anger. So I stuffed that baby.

I am no longer understanding. I am, in fact, a bit of a b*tch. I am impatient much of the time. I take NO BS. I am not intentionally mean, and I do have a filter, but if it needs to be said, I say it.

So, to the point. I came home after an EXTREMELY stressful day to find my house damaged by a careless accident involving SAfWH and a boat. Now, his boat is a major trigger to me, ie "I'm going up to the boat" being code for "I'm going to a strip club/see an OW/try to pick up someone new" So I am WAY over this hobby that I used to support whole heartedly.

But I am apparently supposed to be "understanding" about this major damage to the house. I just couldn't do it. Even after he fell off the ladder twice in an attempt to make temporary repair, I was just pissed off. This is going to cost major money.

The cherry on the top? In one of our discussions, he commented that if I had done something like that, it WAS an accident after all, HE would be going out of his way to comfort me, to make me feel better, because he certainly didn't mean to do it, but "that's the difference between me and you." At that point, he was lucky to have eyeballs.

So, what do you think? Am I being too harsh? I just cannot feel supportive here, and I may just burn the boats.

PS We have 4 boats now, down from 7.

PPS I wasn't a bit surprised that they found the bomber in a fricking boat. They are ALL bad news.

catlover50 posted 4/24/2013 01:49 AM

Sorry kat but you made me laugh!

Of course you get to be pissed about this! If it were me ALL the boats would be gone.

I confess I giggled at "that's the difference between you and me" as well ( but I am on Percocet for shoulder pain and unable to sleep at nearly 3 am! ). I can't imagine that comment went uncontested!

I no longer accept BS either; no white lies, no rationalizations, etc. I won't even let him pretend I helped him eat all the ice cream! I did that for years and got crapped on. No more. And he gets it.

That said, if he ends up in the ER you may need to fake a little sympathy!

What2Thnk posted 4/24/2013 01:54 AM

So is getting rid of the boats a condition of R for you?

Lionne posted 4/24/2013 11:16 AM

A condition? Until now it hasn't been. Boats have always been part of his life. During his addiction years, they were just the excuse for absence, he gave up all healthy activities. He is gradually getting that back, so I dont know if I say the boats have to go.
I just dont want to hear about or deal with them and all their problems!

Rebreather posted 4/24/2013 12:39 PM

Why should you be understanding of someone being careless and/or reckless with your property? No, you are not wrong nor are you overreacting. It sounds to me like you are recovering from your previous codependancy and he is having a hard time with that. Too bad, so sad for him. Time for him to grow up and join the rest of us in the real world.

DrivingPast posted 4/24/2013 12:44 PM

"that's the difference between me and you."

Wow, they sure say the dumbest things sometimes! I dont think I could have bit my tongue! He knows how big of a trigger the boats are, right?

Lionne posted 4/24/2013 16:04 PM

Yes, he knows. But I think he wants to think I'll get over it since the boats weren't directly involved with his cheating, just his alibi. I think he is shocked that I'm not the caring, nurturing person I used to be. Don't know why that is, I've been telling him that for 4 years.
Contractor is coming today. Might have to sell something to pay for the repairs,hmmm?

crazyblindsided posted 4/24/2013 16:10 PM

I think he is shocked that I'm not the caring, nurturing person I used to be.

mine is too. He expected me to turn my head the other way and say meh like the other times.

Not so much anymore. I always tell him if he doesn't like who I have become since his A he is always welcome to leave. I put up with no more BS anymore either

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