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weeding the relationship

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Kajem posted 4/23/2013 22:53 PM

I found this article.. and it is interesting.

What do you think?

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/04/weeding-the-relationship-garden/

reclaimingmyself posted 4/24/2013 09:40 AM

That was interesting reading - I could see both my marriage there and my new relationship.

In the article, the author says she

spent so much time comparing what was to what I thought it should be that, not only could I never appreciate the ways that my husband was giving to me, I could never trust the ways that my marriage truly worked.
. I did the opposite and convinced myself that he was being good to me when he truly wasn't. He would insult me to others, make fun of me around friends and family and just generally make sure I knew he was a few notches above me in all things. I kept convincing myself that he wasn't purposely doing these things, I just wasn't seeing them right.

Because of my messed up thinking, I find this happens with SO

...the smallest encounters between my husband and I become triggers, confirming my doubts about him and fueling my sense of entitlement about how I should be loved.
I forget that SO thinks of us as a team and is so happy to have me as his partner. I try very hard to not carry the baggage from my marriage into this relationship but once in awhile it happens. I sometimes forget that it isn't all weeds this time around.

Kajem posted 4/24/2013 13:34 PM

I try very hard to not carry the baggage from my marriage into this relationship but once in awhile it happens. I sometimes forget that it isn't all weeds this time around.

I truly believe that we NEED to be in another relationship to work thru the baggage of our past relationships. Each relationship has it's own baggage. We can (and most likely do) cart them around. The secret it to feel respected, loved, safe enough in the new relationship to do the work of opening the baggage and tossing what doesn't work anymore and to tweak things so they do work in this new relationship.

Some habits from old relationships are going to be a hinderance to a new relationship. Example everytime my X went out of town alone he cheated. My (now X) SO going out of town was a trigger (of sorts) for me... we sat and talked about it Before he left. He did what he could during his time away to help keep my anxiety to a minimum. And I did my best NOT to project my angst at my XH onto him. By the 3rd time he was away... I was fine. But it took him and I working thru my baggage together to get past it and encourage a healthier way to handle things. LIke you said - a team.

Hugs,

K

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