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livebythesea posted 4/24/2013 08:52 AM

Truly need expert advice. Yesterday I text my H asking him if there were ANY MORE UGLY SECRETS. Since only last Thursday he confessed to another sexual fling twice with the same women. He would not answer, I had to ask him 3 times before he answered. Of course he replied "no". That was all he said in his reply. "no". Not very convincing. Now, I'm home, have not heard from him since yesterday (he usually calls or texts during the evening, not a word from him) wondering is he lying to me again, or he is getting pissed off at me for keeping it up. Members out there who have been through this heart breaking life discovery, or who have heard many many different type of stories. Does it sound like my H is lying again?

stretch13 posted 4/24/2013 08:56 AM

wondering is he lying to me again, or he is getting pissed off at me for keeping it up.

this one is easy. he's lying. i'm sorry, (((livebythesea))). if he weren't lying and truly cared about honesty and fixing this, he wouldn't be "getting pissed off at me for keeping it up," he'd be there holding you while you cried about all of this horror.

he's lying. you can be confident in that and proceed knowing you aren't crazy or asking for much.

confused615 posted 4/24/2013 09:16 AM

He's lying. A truly remorseful spouse is honest and puts their WS's feelings before their own.

If he is giving you the silent treatment,my guess is it's a manipulation tactic. He is angry that you keep bringing it up(because he has more to hide and every time you bring it up,he's scared his secrets and lies will come out)...so he's punishing you by being silent.

Im sorry but this is cruel. He has shattered your world. He has threatened your health,your life,by exposing you to STD's. He has TT'd you,torturing you and setting you all the way back to square one every time he let's a little of the truth slip out. And now he is silent..when he knows you are in a tremendous amount of pain caused by his actions.

He needs to man up,own his shit,and help you heal through this.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,and his cell? And the passwords?

Is he in IC to figure out why he would do this?

Is he accountable for his time when he's away from you?

And..clearly he is not answering your questions and getting angry and defensive when you need to talk about it. That's bullshit. You NEED to talk about it. You have been traumatized. You need to ask the same questions over and over..for months..or years..because your brain is trying to process what he has done. His anger and defensiveness is selfish..it's wayward thinking. It's all "mememememememe" thinking.

Have you told him your requirements to R?

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and that's with no TT...every bit of TT will set your healing back to day 1.

Are you in IC?

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:17 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

livebythesea posted 4/24/2013 09:57 AM

You're so right! I know there is more. I am just so scared to hear it all. What does TT and IC mean. I cannot find it in the library?

Silent treatment is his thing. Been doing that to me his whole life. At first it was one day, couple of days, went to week, then weeks. I saw myself in the silent treatment for months. Yes months. Yet this f... man insist he loves me, I'm his heart's desire. He must be insane, or me. To have been so blind to not have seen his true personality.

How does one break free from this? Time is the only answer. Time will see me through this mess.

I told him to tell me the whole truth, and we would forgive each other and heal together. I cannot bar to hear any more secrets. Yet, he has not been totally honest with me. I can feel it. I've been right on so far. They say, you cannot begin reconciliation before the whole filthy truth is out.

Lyonesse posted 4/24/2013 10:57 AM

"He would not answer, I had to ask him 3 times before he answered. Does it sound like my H is lying again?"

Yes, definitely.

TT = trickle truth – slowly leaking out pieces of the truth over months, rather than answering honestly upfront

IC = individual counseling (as opposed to MC marriage counseling)

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 10:57 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Jeyana posted 4/24/2013 10:57 AM

Mine did this to me too. I'm so sorry. It puts you at such a hyper state of mindreading, voice reading, clairvoiance. Its crazy making. And sucks to know that deep down you know your right. I also understand wanting to know all of it, but that sick vomity feeling that you might not be able to handle the ugly truth. I still forge ahead, ask those question myself, and ya sometimes I do throw up. I have no advice, just sypathizing with you, you are not alone.

Lyonesse posted 4/24/2013 11:14 AM

The silent treatment is abusive behavior. Infidelity is also abusive behavior. You know it will destroy you to continue to accept this abuse.

I don't think R is possible until the WS accepts their infidelity as part of a larger problem.

I am not saying you have to abandon ship immediately, but I would encourage you to read more about this, and it will help you decide how to proceed.

I picked up the book Should I Stay or Should I Go (Lundy and Petrassi) at the library...it was good at identifying the full range of non-functional partners, from physical abusers to immaturity, and helping the stable partner determine how it was affecting her and whether or not the non-functional partner was capable of change.

Good for you, for insisting that he respect you enough to tell the truth (the problem is , of course, he is afraid to admit it to HIMSELF).

Betrayed67 posted 4/24/2013 23:06 PM

My WH TT'd for over 3 months since the first DDAY. Trust your gut. I did - and one night told him while he was away at this parents that I have this unshakeable feeling in my gut that he is withholding information. I just knew it. I could sense from his deep sighs and pauses from the other end of the phone line that he knew he had to fess up - which he did within 14 minutes of him arriving from the airport the following day. Some more questions and lies were told after that. I became a full pledged "hacker" and detective and some more evidence were found which he could not refute so he confessed some more.

He is remorseful and trying everything to help me heal. But I am ambivalent. Sometimes I don't know if we can come out of this intact as a couple. Some days I just want to walk out with my 9 year old and start anew without him.

It is a very sad road to tread. And I totally understand the way you feel. Hugs to you.