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Anger Phase

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Hoggy77 posted 4/24/2013 09:30 AM

It has been almost 5 weeks since D-Day. I find myself going back and forth between Disbelief and Anger. While I feel that I would truly like to R, I also feel that a divorce in the cards. I don't feel that my WS is doing much to help. She gets mad that I don't trust her, she gets mad that I continue to ask questions. When for you experience do you move past the anger phase and to a point where you can make a logical decision about your future.

Tred posted 4/24/2013 09:37 AM

Everyone is different, because of my circumstances I decided to not make any decisions for the first year. However, my wife wanted to R. Even though she could see the TT breaking me week by week, I knew deep down that she was trying. It takes two to R, always. If your WS isn't doing much to help, then she is the one deciding to end the M. If you want to look at it logically, then give your self some milestones to measure your progress against. Not lines in the sand or threats, but just some indicators such as: if she is still not doing anything to help in 1 month, if she breaks NC, if she doesn't answer question. What are your requirements for R? IC for her, MC for both of you? A lot of people say that when you are done, you'll know it. Read down in D/S and the R forum. Hell, read in the WS forum and look at the remorseful WS's. I'm not saying measure your WS by them, but you can use them as a litmus test for how your wife is doing. Actions, not words.

Jrazz posted 4/24/2013 11:17 AM

I remember that I had a couple different flavored anger phases. Shortly after DDay it as "Lashing Out" anger. About 6 months later it was the Disbelief/Anger you describe, and that one hung on through out the rest of the year... it ramped up near the DDay "antiversary" and then tapered off. After that came a numbing disappointment that came and went for about another 6 months. The numbing disappointment was the scariest one because it felt more permanent, like I was never going to love FWH again because I had come to acceptance, and it was that what he did was undeniably stupid. What pulled me out of this? Throughout all my phases FWH did his best to show me that he could behave with integrity. He consistently tried to be the best husband and father that he could. Sure, we backslid, but the work he did on himself finally started to have an effect on me over a year later.

Tred is right that everybody has a different path through this. Two of the biggest deciding factors are how your WS behaves, and how much the BS remains true to themselves and listens to their gut.

Don't hold yourself to any expectation regarding feelings or progress. Breathe, take care of yourself, and take things in really small steps. If you don't have to make any big decisions right now, don't. You have time to process, and you will find that your thoughts and feelings change every few months.

Sending hugs and strength.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:19 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

dameia posted 4/24/2013 11:36 AM

I also promised my WH that I would give it a year before making any final decisions.

I was angry/depressed for the first couple of weeks. I got incredibly angry at 1 month, but that was due to TT when I found out about the howorker.

At 6 months I hit an roaring anger stage. It was ugly. I still get angry on and off now, but it subsides.

It does not bode well that she is getting angry about you not trusting her and asking questions. Barely a day goes by now that I do not ask questions, and we are almost 10 months out.

OK now posted 4/24/2013 15:50 PM

Can't help noticing that your son is 2 years old and the PA has been ongoing the last three years.

Might be wise to invest in a DNA analysis just to be sure. Might help you to make up your mind if the news is bad.

simpleguy78 posted 4/24/2013 15:56 PM

her getting mad when you want to talk about it isn't a good don't get over the will fade some with time and understanding.

shyguy posted 4/24/2013 16:10 PM

The anger will come and go whether divorce or reconcile. Time is a four letter word. Time really does help!

1Faith posted 4/24/2013 16:27 PM

Timeline of Recovery
Good timeline I found on the healing library.

I hope this helps everyone realize to be kind to themselves and give themselves time. Feel what you need to feel.

The journey is long but you can come out stronger on the other side.

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

PLEASE NOTE: The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

Anger is a natural reaction.

She needs to do whatever you need to feel safe enough to begin to heal.


Betrayed67 posted 4/24/2013 19:02 PM

I am 16 weeks out and I still get very angry from time to time. ANd I still ask a lot of questions and WH had to answer them. I still cry a lot. To be honest the first 2 months I felt like I was in a daze-- days just came and went and I felt numb for most of that time. The 3rd month it seems it all sunk in and there was a different level of pain, anger and loss that I began to feel.

SOmetimes I doubt if we will ever make it to the other side intact as a couple. Sometimes I feel strongly that we will -- other times I just feel like giving up.

Hoggy77 posted 4/24/2013 20:53 PM

I too feel like we will not make it through this. I am sick most days lately, after feeling fairly good last week. Today is the first day that I have not spoken to my wife except about our D. She is my world. I have thought about having a DNA test but as my IC said there is nothing to gain from that. Only loss. Her IC said that my D looks just like me and that I don't need to test. In reality, I am not testing because at the end of the day she is still daddy's little girl. I hope that one day I am strong enough to look back on this and help others. But right now I feel like I am stuck in a whole. God I wish I knew why she was so selfish!

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