SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

idiot85 posted 4/24/2013 09:51 AM

In my position where there's been no emotional affair and nothing apart from one night stands- is it weird that I can't help but check her phone?? I look at messages, calls, missed calls and even her phonebook.

This is a new thing- I never used to. The wife says she doesn't mind- that she has nothing to hide but I do feel like I'm doing something wrong- invading privacy.

I'd just like some opinions- I don't want to become paranoid so if I am being- I think I am- I want to nip it in the bud.

simplydevastated posted 4/24/2013 09:54 AM

No, you're not being paranoid. You're doing what you need to do to protect yourself from more hurt. There's a saying here "trust, but verify." You're lucky that she doesn't mind. She's showing transparency and that's a good thing. My husband guards his devices like a soldier at Fort Knox.

karmahappens posted 4/24/2013 09:54 AM

Oh silly...becoming paranoid is just one of the bonuses!

SEriously, it's normal. It's the way we try to control the completely uncontrollable after the A. I checked everything and made myself feel completely nuts...but it fades, with time and a WS that helps you heal (if you are going to R).

There are so many emotions and actions we BS's do after dday that don't make sense to anyone but us

Hang in there...the roller coaster is a long one (((hugs)))

heforgotme posted 4/24/2013 09:59 AM

You are not being paranoid, you are being smart.

If I would have been a little more "paranoid", this might never have happened.

anemie posted 4/24/2013 10:04 AM

Even though my WS is showing complete transparency and does understand my need to check the phone and emails I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. In a healthy relationship people don't feel the need to check up like that, it makes me feel worse when I do it because I realize we were not in a healthy relationship.

idiot85 posted 4/24/2013 10:07 AM

How long do you reckon it will last?? I know everyone's different but...How long?!

I find myself doing it when she isn't around because it feels wrong and then I feel sneaky so 9/10 I tell her that I've looked!!!

I honestly don't know how people can sneak around- I'm struggling with reading texts!!

Edited to say: Me too anemie

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:08 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Twitchy posted 4/24/2013 10:09 AM

I'm of a slightly different mind. Yes, you are being paranoid. But it's a justifiable paranoia brought on by the shattering of your trust in your WW.

It's completely normal to feel this way and whether or not your WW is fine with it is immatterial. It's what you need to do to feel safer.

Keep it up as long as you need too.

RyeBread posted 4/24/2013 10:14 AM

I think its normal to want to verify honesty after being lied to and manipulated in a situation like this. I too was checking my WW's phone at first and then felt guilty, like somehow I was being the controlling/sneaky one. Its totally out of character for me and I wasn't comfortable doing it.

I finally decided I wasn't going to do that anymore because I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt the need to do that. It gets exhausting and creates a lot of anxiety for me. Not to mention if the WS's know what steps you are taking to verify honesty, they figure out new ways to go underground with it. I don't have the time for that kind of bs.

neverwantedaWW posted 4/24/2013 10:34 AM

I suggest you ask her for the online login to the account. Then you can do it as you feel you need too. That way you don't have to feel the way your feeling about getting access to the physical device. This is what works for me/us. All the best.

idiot85 posted 4/24/2013 10:56 AM

Cheers everyone- I defo feel a bit better about it- I hope it doesn't last long though.

I know what you mean Ryebread- for me I always think how in that first weekend, following week and weekend she just acted normal even though she'd just been rammed by a couple of guys- she acted normal. Saying that- she didn't even have their numbers. Then in the second week acted all weird and then puked all the info up like a confessional. I do believe her now and I do think I trust her- only been a few months though.

Good idea Neverwanted- thing is I wouldn't know what had come in.

callmecrazy posted 4/24/2013 11:33 AM

After I found the sexting in the past, it took about 6 mo of regular checking then I became more sparatic and after a yr to yr1/2 I stopped. Then when things felt off again I wanted to check, but no longer had passwords and the phone was locked.
Its paranoia, but at the same time its something you need to know you can do if you want, a comfort that should be in ANY relationship infidelity or not. When they take that transparentcy away, it only heightens your fears. In NO marriage should you not be able to pick up and use your spouses phone or check an email/ text, unless their job involves such a privacy (which then you have to trust they dont abuse said privacy)

idiot85 posted 4/24/2013 11:40 AM

Hey CMC- The wife didn't even have their numbers- I'm never sure what I'm looking for- sometimes maybe an insight to her mind!! The only thing is- her mates text her their own personal stuff so I do take care not to read that- I genuinely do. I don't want her mates to feel like they have to censor what they text her because Idiot's going to read it.

The kids play games on it- it's never locked and I doubt she's hiding anything- just gives me peace of mind. Feels sneaky though!!

Lyonesse posted 4/24/2013 11:42 AM

I think it was almost daily for about 2 months, then sporadic up to 6 months. I sometimes check around significant dates, but I really don't want this to be my job, either.

BW2639 posted 4/24/2013 11:50 AM

I'm over a year from dday and check fWW phone/phone records almost daily. She has no problem with it. Sometimes I check her phone, sometimes I check the ATT website. She knows I do. I dont feel bad about doing it as far as "invading her privacy" though. I just wish I didnt feel the "need" ( hence the paranoia) to check.

5454real posted 4/24/2013 11:57 AM

I checked almost daily for 6 months. another three months I checked sporadically. haven't checked much at all since then.

I too felt like I was being intrusive and invading privacy. however after I realized what a healthy marriage looks like, I didn't feel guilty looking at all. I did not cause this.

for the rest of her life, I will have the ability to look at her phone anytime anyplace anywhere. the thing is, so will she. there is nothing to hide in an open honest marriage.

IMO privacy is relegated to shutting the bathroom door.

callmecrazy posted 4/24/2013 12:03 PM

Idiot85...I did read other stuff besides the OW and it was insight into how he was talking crap about me to others...helped me see just cause she appeared to be gone didn't mean he felt bad at all. His friends or the OW...no need for privacy.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 4/24/2013 13:42 PM

Hi idiot85,

I really don't think you are doing anything wrong. She broke your trust so she lost her privacy. I may be new here but not new to infidelity. I think sometimes snooping, although it can make you feel bad, is sometimes the only way to find out what is going on.

Her knowing you do it though, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good that she doesn't mind and that she says she has nothing to hide, but bad because she knows you do it so she isn't going to leave anything on there for you to find.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 1:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

libertyrocks posted 4/24/2013 13:48 PM

Nope, it's your gut instincts. Nature gave us these for survival. DO NOT CHUCK IT OFF. Check the online phone bill history, not phone, they can delete that stuff. But, they can't delete from actual phone company records. That's how I discovered WH's A's. One after another. 5 Ddays . So far. I'm positive there's more. I don't trust him. And, for my own protection, I shouldn't.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

mysticpenguin posted 4/24/2013 16:29 PM

I definitely understand why you're doing it and think it's natural. If I were in your wife's shoes, I would of course have absolutely no problem letting you prove whatever you need to prove to yourself, you know?

However, I will say this. My WH had all PAs / 3 ONS's and one month-long fling, and I personally don't check his phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc. Why? Well, here's my take....

1- I have to learn to trust my instincts again without relying on phone/email/etc. I don't want to use a crutch, personally. I have a very powerful intuition and I want to learn to believe in it again.

2- For me, personally, if I sneak around and check something and don't find anything incriminating, all I wind up thinking is, "Oh, I just didn't find it *this time.*" If I did find something, I know it wouldn't be conclusive and without relying on my instincts, I know I'd be vulnerable to gaslighting. No good can come of it for me.

3- We are reconciling (ONS/purely PA are not a dealbreaker for me) and I want to be able to trust HIM, not HIS PHONE. Know what I mean?

ETA: Now I know what a lie looks like from him. You know? I know what behaviors to look out for... and subtle things too. I guess he could change that, go deeper underground - but then again, if I was checking his phone, he could get a 'secret' phone, or communicate exclusively via an email address I don't know about, ya know? IMO there is no way to 100% know for sure, so I'd rather just trust myself and my instincts and my knowledge going forward. To each his/her own though!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 4:50 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

anemie posted 4/24/2013 19:17 PM

Sometimes I feel ridiculous checking because all I have to do is look online on the phone bill and see it, yet my brain keeps telling me to look on the phone, don't know what I expect to find. The compulsion has lessened a lot though. We are 6 months out and now I only check maybe 2/3 times a month instead of 2/3 times a day. It gets easier...sort of.