This is a new thing- I never used to. The wife says she doesn't mind- that she has nothing to hide but I do feel like I'm doing something wrong- invading privacy.
I'd just like some opinions- I don't want to become paranoid so if I am being- I think I am- I want to nip it in the bud.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
SEriously, it's normal. It's the way we try to control the completely uncontrollable after the A. I checked everything and made myself feel completely nuts...but it fades, with time and a WS that helps you heal (if you are going to R).
There are so many emotions and actions we BS's do after dday that don't make sense to anyone but us
Hang in there...the roller coaster is a long one (((hugs)))
If I would have been a little more "paranoid", this might never have happened.
I find myself doing it when she isn't around because it feels wrong and then I feel sneaky so 9/10 I tell her that I've looked!!!
I honestly don't know how people can sneak around- I'm struggling with reading texts!!
Edited to say: Me too anemie
[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:08 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]
It's completely normal to feel this way and whether or not your WW is fine with it is immatterial. It's what you need to do to feel safer.
Keep it up as long as you need too.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
I finally decided I wasn't going to do that anymore because I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt the need to do that. It gets exhausting and creates a lot of anxiety for me. Not to mention if the WS's know what steps you are taking to verify honesty, they figure out new ways to go underground with it. I don't have the time for that kind of bs.
I know what you mean Ryebread- for me I always think how in that first weekend, following week and weekend she just acted normal even though she'd just been rammed by a couple of guys- she acted normal. Saying that- she didn't even have their numbers. Then in the second week acted all weird and then puked all the info up like a confessional. I do believe her now and I do think I trust her- only been a few months though.
Good idea Neverwanted- thing is I wouldn't know what had come in.
The kids play games on it- it's never locked and I doubt she's hiding anything- just gives me peace of mind. Feels sneaky though!!
I too felt like I was being intrusive and invading privacy. however after I realized what a healthy marriage looks like, I didn't feel guilty looking at all. I did not cause this.
for the rest of her life, I will have the ability to look at her phone anytime anyplace anywhere. the thing is, so will she. there is nothing to hide in an open honest marriage.
IMO privacy is relegated to shutting the bathroom door.
I really don't think you are doing anything wrong. She broke your trust so she lost her privacy. I may be new here but not new to infidelity. I think sometimes snooping, although it can make you feel bad, is sometimes the only way to find out what is going on.
Her knowing you do it though, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good that she doesn't mind and that she says she has nothing to hide, but bad because she knows you do it so she isn't going to leave anything on there for you to find.
[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 1:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]
However, I will say this. My WH had all PAs / 3 ONS's and one month-long fling, and I personally don't check his phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc. Why? Well, here's my take....
1- I have to learn to trust my instincts again without relying on phone/email/etc. I don't want to use a crutch, personally. I have a very powerful intuition and I want to learn to believe in it again.
2- For me, personally, if I sneak around and check something and don't find anything incriminating, all I wind up thinking is, "Oh, I just didn't find it *this time.*" If I did find something, I know it wouldn't be conclusive and without relying on my instincts, I know I'd be vulnerable to gaslighting. No good can come of it for me.
3- We are reconciling (ONS/purely PA are not a dealbreaker for me) and I want to be able to trust HIM, not HIS PHONE. Know what I mean?
ETA: Now I know what a lie looks like from him. You know? I know what behaviors to look out for... and subtle things too. I guess he could change that, go deeper underground - but then again, if I was checking his phone, he could get a 'secret' phone, or communicate exclusively via an email address I don't know about, ya know? IMO there is no way to 100% know for sure, so I'd rather just trust myself and my instincts and my knowledge going forward. To each his/her own though!
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 4:50 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]