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6 Months and Feeling Down

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MandoBando posted 4/24/2013 10:01 AM

Yesterday was 6 months from my first and worst Dday. I didn't even realize what day it was until almost noon (which is a good thing!) but as soon as it occurred to me, everything just came crumbling down. I felt like we had reallybeen doing well lately. We just did a Retrouvaille weekend and are keeping up with it. We just started seeing a new MC and IC who is really helping us focus on healthy healing and dealing with FOO issues. The A hasn't been the predominant thought in my head every single day. But now I feel like I am slipping back into the anger, pain, disbelief, and numbness. I feel helpless all over again and I don't know why. Thoughts? Advice? 2x4s?

[This message edited by MandoBando at 10:02 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

melamber posted 4/24/2013 10:12 AM

hi mangobando. im 6 mths in also and feel exactly the same. the past 2 wks i would say i feel ive gone backwards.i sometimes feel this is how my life will be now and actually not sure what to do,to stick with R or get out. wish i had some advice but im just as clueless as you sound.

sarahm49 posted 4/24/2013 10:47 AM

Hi MandoBando

I am also 6 months in and have had the worst two weeks. It seems if we have great plans and keep busy I am ok. But Monday mornings are the worst. Back to work, back to day to day, back to remembering how my WH managed to have an affair hooking up during the work day hours while I was oblivious.
We had MC yesterday and she thinks I need to spend more time on my own healing, so I can stop obsessing about the A. I think I am in the anger stage and just want to yell at H all the time about what a Selfish Asshole he was.
After a couple glasses of wine, I can be really nasty to him, not that it's planned, it just all comes pouring out. It is really hurting our R.
Today I am better. I have survived 6 months, which on some days felt impossible.
I will survive this crisis/tsumani.
So I guess my advice is to celebrate surviving the first 6 months.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 12:01 PM

I think in is normal at 6 months to feel this way. I was the same way at 6 months. I though I was doing really well. I had all my details, talked about it all the time and were trying to heal together. We were in MC her in IC. But I think at the 6 month mark the excitement that we are actually back together the HB started slowing and I was left with my anger and rage that it was reality. She REALLY did this to us and it will never just go away. I am at 8 months and am working really hard on myself with acceptance. Accepting this is my reality. I cant do anything about it. If we could change our past I am sure there are many things we would all re-write. BUT this is the reality. Get through the rage and anger. Express it to you WS in a healthy way. I told my WW how angry I was and she had the same feelings. How could I do this.... You are feeling like your slipping back to anger because I think that at 6 months we really start to truly get out of the denial stage. Then we get angry. It normal just dont get stuck there. Really deal with the feelings. Its ok to have those feelings. I still bout with it. Not as heavy as 2 months ago but its still there and thats OK. Its natural. 2 things that helped me.... 1. Deal with the anger. Allow yourself to be angry it OK. Just do it in a manner that is productive and look deep about what and why you are angry. I did this and looked to my WW to help me heal through my anger. 2. Dont get stuck there and shift your anger into acceptance. Accept it happened. There is nothing yu can do to change it. It will always be there. This is the hardest because I am still doing this and a few times I thought maybe I should leave because I didn't want to hurt anymore but it wasn't bad enough to leave and not good enough to feel normal. Hope that helps. I am sorry we are all going through this but it is normal what you are feeling.

lostworld posted 4/24/2013 12:15 PM

This sounds pretty familiar and normal to me, nevertheless, it can also feel destabilizing and scary. Try not to let this low point negate, especially in your own mind, all the progress that you've made; ie getting till noon before you remembered, Retrouvaille, MC/IC, dealing w/ FOO...All that progress is real, so don't doubt it or forget it. Some days that's easier said than done, I know. Honor your emotions and use the counseling and one another to work through them. Unfortunately, they will have to be dealt with many times over before you're through this sad journey--but you're moving in a good direction.

Rebreather posted 4/24/2013 12:23 PM

That's why it's a rollercoaster. Some of my worst down moments came after the highest highs. I think it is the juxtaposition between the "high" and the reality of the pain that causes the down.

In short, it's normal. I know it is distressing, but it will likely continue like this for you for some time.

I liken it to your reptile brain protecting you. It won't let you get to far toward happy without yanking you back. In time, and with consistent healing, it will settle down.

MandoBando posted 4/24/2013 20:08 PM

Thank you for all the advice! I guess dropping down into such a low after riding a high for so long is more jarring than anything. I do keep trying to communicate with him, but so often he asks me what I need, and I have no words. I have no idea what I need from him. Do I need anything from him at all? Is this the point at which my healing has to become more independent, or is it where I have to really dig down and find a way for him to stay involved? This sucks.

LA44 posted 4/24/2013 20:25 PM

Hugs MB! Just remember. Healing is not linear.

But DO keep in mind all of the progress you are making.

I find I am that much stronger as an individual and as a couple we seem to reach a new level of R following a down period. I also read quite a while ago that 6 months was a hard time so for those of you at this stage, I am sorry. Sadly seems you fit that bill. It will get better.

Guess I can report back in June and take my own advice.

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