And I guess that's what a self assessment will do to you. It's not something I did all on my own. My IC helps me and my BS, through all her pain, has been incredibly helpful with her insights.
It's taken me some time to really admit to myself that my affair was 8 years. 8 years! It started as an EA and escalated to a PA and then last year it escalated further. It doesn't matter that there were times we were out of contact during this time. It was a secret from my wife and my children the whole time. It only ended when my BS confronted me. I can't honestly say it wouldn't have continued. I'd like to say that, but since I made no effort to end it I would be lying to myself. And worse, lying to my family. During this time was my behavior impacted? I've been telling myself no. How can that be? Did I delete emails? Yes. Would I have been comfortable if others knew? No. I was being deceitful so yes my behavior was impacted. Did I think through the consequences? No. If I had, I wouldn't be on this website! Am I scared of what comes next? Of course I am. How could I not be. Life as I know it is no longer. Can I fix myself? I'm going to make one hell of an effort. Will I bail when things are toughest? No. I've created this mess and I need to be the person who cleans it up.
The hurting needs to stop and I've committed myself to living an honest life. Thanks for listening.