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Does the cycle end

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mattie posted 4/24/2013 12:15 PM

It's been 4 years since D-Day within that time I have been depressed ,angry,numb, beyond belief with grief and back to angry again. These have been the worse 4 years of my life-WH had an affair with our friend and my mother and father passed within months of each other, I marvel at the fact I am still standing. Lately I have been having disturbing dreams again about WH and the OW--almost every morning I think back to some of the horrible things she said to me-how she taunted me with their affair and I have these panic attacks where I am literally pacing the floor and wringing my hands-occassionally I call my Wh and scream out I am not doing well-but as he is very busy at work--100 feet in the air he cannot really talk to me. Sometimes by the end of the day I am able to calm down but it usually happens again after a week or two. I cannot think of a trigger that has caused it but have found myself crying and feeling badly again-as I did when the affair was first revealed. It's been 4 years-when does the cycle end. How do I stop it, I'm so tired and beat of the emotional roller coaster-my husband has tried and tried-he can't change what happened and has tried to be more loving and do so many special things for me-It's not him anymore it's me, my inability to let go. It's a tortourous road. I feel an intense anger towards OW and WH again-I thought i resolved it to a certain extend but it's back again with a renewed intensity. Even when there our happy times there is always an underlying sadness about our M it never fully goes away. I don't want to be a negative person but I have to be honest about what I feel or don't feel. Maybe I'm clinically depressed or something-I haven't been to a therapist in awhile-I plan on making an appoinment.

Lethealbegin posted 4/24/2013 15:07 PM

I am only two years out. Although I think this will be in some ways with us always but to that degree I am not sure about.

I have seen it Takes 2-5 years to get better. I would guess I am on the five year plan. Maybe you are also. Hopefully someone more wiser will respond. I just wanted you to know you have been heard.
(((Hugs)))

shockedme posted 4/24/2013 15:14 PM

((hugs))

I cannot offer much in the way of advice on how to move past this stage. We are at the 5 year mark and I thought I had gotten past everything, but the past year has been hell. I don't have the luxury of my WH working fully on it. I think you had so much happen all at once. The idea of going back to therapy is a great idea. They may be able to help you get to the bottom of it.
Good luck!

crazyblindsided posted 4/24/2013 15:42 PM

Thank you for posting this topic. I am only 14 months out from DDay and feel the same way. The cycle is exhausting and sometimes I feel like getting a D just so the PTSD will stop.

My WH doesn't understand why I still feel this way, but he takes it and keeps putting in the work.

So sorry you feel this way after four years (((mattie)))

Just a quick question did you ever receive any IC therapy for just you? I know it helps me out with a lot of my processing.

Just read that you were in therapy before. So my question has been answered

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:44 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

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