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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: Why doesn't she understand that rebuilding trust takes time?
♂ 36574
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We discuss this in MC but somehow my wife doesn't seem to understand that trust is not restored overnight.

Just because she hasn't had an affair during this time period doesn't make her trustworthy. She wants to be trusted but bristles at the notion that somehow I still don't trust her. And not just because of her affair or behavior since d-day.

I'm referring to how she's conducted herself during the course of our marriage. I can think of a number of examples.

I need to find a way to communicate this in MC without getting angry or frustrated. Frankly, this is a conversation we should have sorted out pre d-day and independent of her affair.

I'm going to try and bring this up tonight in MC. Suggestions?

BH: 47 (me)
WW: 45
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 20 years

Posts: 438 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 37202
Member # 37202
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would let your MC know that you have an issue you really need to discuss at the very beginning of your session. It sounds like it will take some time to get through the trust issue, so you want to make sure that you are able to spend as much time as needed while you are in MC. Also, write down the reasons (A related, pre-A, etc.) why you cannot trust your W. That way you won't forget anything that you want to discuss.

Me: BH 37
Her: fWW 34 (Lulu38)
DD 8
DS 3
D-Day #1 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
D-Day #2 10/18/12 Finally confessed to PA with coworker

Status: working towards R...

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: So Cal
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to find a way to communicate this in MC without getting angry or frustrated.

I'll take issue with that. If you're angry, your angry, and it's OK to show it. MC is, I think, a good place for that, since you both have protection there.

BTW, if our post-D-Day experience were like yours, I'd be angry if my W were asking for much trust, too. It indicates to me she's not owning her actions. Step 1 in rebuilding trust is acknowledging responsibility for the A and its impact.

I'm 28 months out, in a good R, and our MC says lack of trust at this stage is normal. Your W needs to accept she needs to rebuild trust, and it will take a long time.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17017 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has to imagine that the bucket is empty. Any positive action is a drop in the bucket. Drip. Drip. Drip. It takes a long while to FILL THAT BUCKET! And if she is indignant and wonders why the heck you are having a hard time trusting...then you have lost the precious few drops you have.

I like Padstack's advice = write down a solid 10 reasons pre-A and all - and do discuss them with your MC right from the start of the session. Let your wife know that this is your plan.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 4

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