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It Could have Been Anyone...

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IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 12:30 PM

The words from my WW. Not going to lie it was kind of nice to hear. She told me through digging deep that there wasn't anything special about her AP (in fact he wasn't even good looking). She was in such a low part of her life and ready to give up on everything that anyone that showed her attention and made her feel better about herself would have sufficed lol Sad!!! but at least I know now that she is out of the fog she has no feelings, thoughts or hangups. She actually told me it makes her disgusted to think about what she did with him. She broke down hard about how much she disrespected herself and gave something sacred to someone else. "How could I do that to you. How could I do that to myself. I should have never let anyone else touch me like that" She looked like she was going to I supposed that is true remorse.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/24/2013 12:36 PM

That's great to hear, I know. No attachment, no ongoing fantasy. It does sound remorseful.

padstack posted 4/24/2013 12:39 PM

That was what my fWW told me after some digging with her IC. He helped things along by making her question my fidelity and just telling her what she wanted to hear. It could have been anyone. Doesn't make me want to break his face any less.

My fWW has to see him from time to time due to work. When she finally came out of the fog, he came in and tried to talk to her. She told him that the thought of him made her sick to her stomach, then she ran to the bathroom and puked.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 12:53 PM

She told him that the thought of him made her sick
Nice. HEr AP came to her work and tried to say hi and talk to her like nothing. She pulled him to the side and asked him WTF are you doing here? Do me a favor and don't ever come here again when I am working. My H and I are working on our marriage and he (Her AP) was the biggest mistake of her life. She told him to respect her boundaries and that she doesn't ever want to see him again. lol I still want to punch him in the face!! hahaha

[This message edited by IGaveItMyAll at 12:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

cletuswv posted 4/24/2013 12:57 PM

That is great...I hope to get there some day, at least then I could feel a little safe...not there yet, she chooses not to talk about him at all.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 13:03 PM

she chooses not to talk about him at all
Thats not good. I think my WW and I have talked about this soooo much that when we do talk about it now it doesn't even hurt like it did. She needs to talk about it and you need to tell her that in order for you guys to heal you need to communicate. I couldn't do it if she didn't own and talk to me about what she did. I wish you the best. One thing I did is when she was on the fence I pushed her. By her ignoring it, it won't just go away. It will get worse. Thats not R.

cletuswv posted 4/24/2013 13:06 PM

I completely agree, probably why our R is pretty much stuck where it is...I also think she may have some lingering feelings for him, but do not know for sure. Will give it some more time before talking to her about it.

She is not on the fence between her OM and myself, as he appears to be working on his marriage...her fence sitting seems to revolve around R in only time will tell

[This message edited by cletuswv at 1:18 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 13:30 PM

probably why our R is pretty much stuck where it is
I am sorry to hear that. That sucks. Not sure if this will help you. I was really upfront with my W. Right after DDay we seperated. took her about 6 weeks til she asked me to go on a date. We have kids so we saw each other all the time during. She would ask me in to her appartment etc. I laid it out there... If you are not willing to let him go Emotionally and physically (Absolute NC), if you aren;t willing to put 110% into healing our marriage and helping me get through this, if you aren't willing to answer my questions, if you aren't going to go to MC and IC then leave me alone. Don't drag me through more crap...Just let me go. Best decision I ever made. Honestly. I didn't want to go down this road unless she was going to give it everything she had. I would have rather walked away,

1985 posted 4/24/2013 14:02 PM

IGaveItMyAll, good for you and good for your Wife!! Her statement to you should have a tremendously powerful effect upon your healing and upon the progress of your R.
At one point my W said to me "it's just disgusting to think I ever had sex with him and even more disgusting that I did that (oral) with him. I don't know what was wrong with me." When she said it she had a look of extreme anguish on her face and almost tearful anguish in her voice. It was an extremely brief conversation HOWEVER it was probably one of the most important conversations we have ever had.
Statements like that of your W, accompanied by physical signs that they are genuine and from the heart, really tell you that she gets the magnitude of what she has done and what effect it has had on you and your marriage. And knowing that she gets it will help you tremendously in coming to terms with the question of whether you can move past it all and regain the marriage that you had before all the craziness and even improve it from what it was.
I will tell you that it is certainly possible to move past it and reclaim your life when: your W "gets it" and devotes herself to showing you that you ARE the one, and only, for her going forward and when: she works to honestly convince you that the OM meant nothing to her and that she now sees her time with him as being disgusting and shameful.
It sounds like you are on your way to that point. You can find your way to a deep and satisfying love with her again. To finding that you can experience joy and fulfillment in life again. Hang in there. I hope you can find peace.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/24/2013 14:18 PM

Thanks 1985. It was really nice to hear. Nicer to see all her actions support that statement. I too hope that we will be able to heal together through this and come out with a more appreciative loving and caring marriage. It is already leaps and bounds from what it was Pre A. We started off ROCKY and I selfishly neglected my marriage and family (too busy chasing my dreams & working too much). She does "Get It" we push each other to build a better life (Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, Sexually) Its the whole package we are shooting for. We acknowledge it will take LOTS of work and time. We both want the same thing for once.

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