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BEM817 posted 4/24/2013 15:07 PM

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary, the second since DDay. Last year I wanted nothing to do with it and sadly, I feel much the same at one year out. WH is doing everything right, in word and actions, he loves his new line of work (he lost his job due to his A), he's providing better for us and in one month we will close on the house we've been searching for for years. I should feel happy, content and loved, but I just don't.

So much of the first year I was in survival mode. My emotions are no longer all over the map (thank you AD's) but I feel so much more of a profound sadness and loss. My WH regrets every moment of his A and hates himself for what's he has done. He's a changed man in all aspects. I just can't seem to pull myself into the here and now and see what amazing things he's done, I only still see the liar, the cheater. I'm so afraid that his A may have been a deal breaker and truthfully, I don't want it to be. I just can't shake the empty feeling. Every night he asks if he can sit with me on the couch. I always say yes and he wraps his arms around me while we are watching TV but I feel nothing. It's like even his touch makes me feel empty. HB is over and I don't even want sex anymore. He doesn't push and understands why. I just honestly thought once things settled down and time had passed that I would begin to feel better about us. I hope and pray that this is just the dreaded year 2...

LA44 posted 4/24/2013 15:28 PM

Sorry to read this BEM. I am wondering if you are in IC? If not then expressing these feelings to a competent professional might go a long way with your healing. Do you guys attend MC counselling? I do both. My H goes to IC as well.

"fake it till you feel it" is a Tony Robbins motto. At first I didn't get that but, I really do now! I also remember Janis A Spring in her book, After the Affair writing that if you wait until you feel 100% loving you might never get there.

So...him putting his arms around you sounds good. Do you wrap your arms around him too?

LA44 posted 4/24/2013 15:54 PM

BEM...you might want to take a look at the thread, Is Moving FOrward Rugsweeping? under this forum that is currently taking place.

It's VERY good with a lot of sound advice in there from people who are walking in the same sort of shoe.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

hobbeskat posted 4/24/2013 16:00 PM

Sending love to you. Our first (yep, first) wedding anniversary is in August and I'm dreading it.

2married2quit posted 4/24/2013 16:13 PM

I feel you BEM817. Sometimes I don't want to be around her. But I finally understand that the affair had very little to do with me and more to do with her. She was the one with the problem. She was the one that destroyed her own character. I'm just the victim. This made it a bit better for me to finally forgive and let go of the past. Yes, it's not the same and hugging isn't quite as warm. But the next step is healing. Maybe I can fall in love again.

BEM817 posted 4/24/2013 16:32 PM

Thanks LA44 for recommending the other thread. You're right
, it has lots of good thoughts and perspectives. I did do IC in the beginning, but stopped, mainly because the therapist and I didn't "click". The last time I saw her was when she told me I didn't present like the typical betrayed spouse. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I keep thinking I should give it another go with a new therapist but haven't as of yet. We haven't found a MC yet. I still that it would be beneficial and have no real good excuse, aside from the cost that we haven't yet.

2Married, I really loved what you wrote. I know deep down inside that it wasn't because I wasn't enough, it's because he wasn't. That doesn't keep the doubt from creeping in tough, know what I mean? Here's to finding that loving feeling again. (Cue Righteous Brothers...)

Hobbeskat, thanks. We will be here for you as we'll when August rolls around...

[This message edited by BEM817 at 4:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

LA44 posted 4/24/2013 18:01 PM

BEM...glad you read that thread. It's quite impressive and I encourage whoever else reading this to check it out.

I don't know what the hell your former IC was talking about with that comment. Honestly - you wonder if they have ANY REAL experience in this field!

Truthfully, mine is not working for me and I will be finding another. I hope you do as well. It's a release of pain. And perhaps a chance for some self discovery. There are some great ones out there. I know I have intimacy issues that I want to address. As for our MC - we like her but sometimes we leave and go, "wow - she rambles a lot, eh?" (there - now you know I am Canadian with the "eh"). We don't just say it...we write it too!

Good luck you guys. Hugs to all of you.

[This message edited by LA44 at 6:02 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

BEM817 posted 4/24/2013 18:56 PM

LA, just read your profile and have to tell you it's very similar to mine! My husband's A was shorter in duration, but they packed alot of "activity" in those 8 months! My discovery of the A was similar and I too was in disbelief, this couldn't be my husband!

I just had to elaborate on the therapist's comment. In our first session, even though my WH had told me the truth, was remorseful and horrified at what he did, she told me I should kick him out. I didn't think that was great advice considering I was pretty sure I wanted to at least consider R and the fact that we have two young children who would greatly be impacted by his leaving. My decision to stop seeing her came about 6 weeks later at the end of our session. I made a joke or sarcastic comment at the end of our session and she proceeded to tell me that I don't present like the "typical" betrayed wife. I asked her to please clarify and she said something to the effect of "well, you are always so put together, your hair is done, you have makeup on, you smile and tell jokes" and on and on. I just said "oh, okay" and left. What the hell? Am I supposed to roll in, unshowered, wearing sweatpants, bare faced and crying? For Pete's sake, I've got kids I have to take care of and PTA crap to do and the list goes on and on! We all have to continue "living" because the world doesn't stop just because our hearts are broken, KWIM? Needless to say, I cancelled our next appt!

Sorry, that may have sounded like a rant about her, but I just couldn't believe she said that to me!

I hope you find someone that you click with LA. Thanks for the support!

Oh and I love the "eh!"

Hugs to you!

[This message edited by BEM817 at 6:58 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

LA44 posted 4/24/2013 19:26 PM

Wow BEM! There are similarities - when you mentioned the PTA, kids to care for, making jokes, looking presentable/no sweats. Over here!

Well...I know part of my joke making is to keep distance between me/spouse. That's my "intimacy issue" at hand. Both my parents do it. So...I am trying to be more serious. Just kidding!

I don't blame you for cancelling that appointment! She was forming an opinion about you based on your appearance. Not good! And I don't like that she told you to leave your H when that is not what you wanted, plus he was owning his behavior. I really don't believe that is the therapist's role to suggest something as dramatic as that - if you were being abused, I could see it. But if you are sitting there wanting to work on R....what was she thinking?

Hugs to you too!