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My X W Hs best friend told me he is in love with me.

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want_to_forgive posted 4/24/2013 15:13 PM

We have known each other the entire time of my M. He and my H were estranged when my H and I first got together. My H told me that he missed him, we ran into him one night when we were out and I tried to act as a friendly go-between to get them talking again. It worked, and they have been friends again ever since.

Fast forward to last night. He stopped by my house to see how I was doing. We talked a little about how the end of a M is sad but I had to move on for my sanity. He agreed that he had seen me do everything I could do to try to save my M and he thought XWH was a fool.

Then he told me that he has always thought the world of me. That the main reason he became friends with XWH again was because of me. That while he wasnt necessarily hoping that I would leave my H, now that we are D he would like to be able to take me out so we can get to know each other on a different level . He actually said that he thinks he is in love with me. Holy shit.

He has never acted inappropriately towards me, crossed boundaries, nothing. He is a super nice guy, I have always wished he would find someone to settle down with. He has had a few long term relationships during the course of our friendship, and one engagement, but they always fell apart for one reason or another.

While I think it is too soon for me to date anyone right now, my M has been over in spirit for years. Now it is over in the eyes of the law as well. My H cheated on me with my best friend. Does that mean that I just need to cut off all contact with his friend because it would be wrong to hurt my XWH by dating said friend in the future? I have been in a loveless marriage for so long I have to admit that having a sweet, good looking guy look me in the eye and tell me I am who he has wanted for years gives me butterflies. I have them right now as I am typing this.


Undefinabl3 posted 4/24/2013 15:20 PM

I would let this one go. Do you really want to tie yourself to X with a friend of his?

What would come next, your X comeing over to dinner since they are still friends? What about mutal friend's parties - and X shows up....

Awkward for sure.

I would leave this one alone girl

want_to_forgive posted 4/24/2013 15:28 PM

What would come next, your X comeing over to dinner since they are still friends? What about mutal friend's parties - and X shows up....

Oh the drama I could be inviting into my life if I let myself go here...

BUT THE BUTTERFLIES! Wow, I forgot what that was like. Long sigh.

BeingNaive posted 4/24/2013 15:37 PM

I say to let this one go only because it would keep your X in your life due to them being friends. If it were me, I wouldn't even think about how it may affect my X's feelings (dating his friend). Just think about how it would pertain to you.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 3:38 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Mousse242 posted 4/24/2013 16:26 PM

Give it some time. Keep your distance a bit, you still have healing to do.

If this guy is real, and the main reason he was friends with the Ex was because of you, now that you are D'd, his friendship with the Ex may diminish on its own.

If that is the case then, after you've done some healing, if there is still mutual interest, it MIGHT be worth exploring.

But if he is still going to remain close to your Ex, it would probably be best to let it go.

wontdefineme posted 4/24/2013 16:46 PM

Good boundaries, waited, and you like him. He nas been estranged before, and wouldn't it just eat your ex up knowing it was his friend. See where my mind is. Life is short, and if you are healed, go slowly and if nothing else, you have a good male friend.

want_to_forgive posted 4/24/2013 18:49 PM

Thanks all, this is all pretty new to me. I haven't dated in over 12 years. Apparently I wasn't very good at it back then anyway, because I choose my NPD X.

The conversation was a little intoxicating, and I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong, I am divorced.

BUT... I think letting things stand while I get some distance from this D is a good idea. The top of X's head would blow off if I started dating his friend. Not that I should care about how X feels, but it's hard for me to not do that with everyone in my life, not just him.

Kajem posted 4/24/2013 20:03 PM

I dated a guy who used to work with XH after my marriage imploded. I had the butterflies, he said all the right things, He made me feel so good about myself.

My suggestion is to take the time to get your bearings/boundaries being single. I wish I had done that and waited.



CrappyLife posted 4/25/2013 06:07 AM

From your description, this guy sounds like he is genuine. He mentioned that he liked you, but never did anything inappropriate since you were married. Then, he could have jumped in earlier when you were getting divorced and acted as a KISA. He waited until your D and then made his move. To me, he sounds really stable and level-headed even though he has had problems in his relationships. My suggestion is to date him, go slow and see where it goes.

As far as being a friend of your XH goes, he has indicated that he became friends with your XH because of you. So, he can dump him again. For you. That would make you feel nice also.

Undefinabl3 posted 4/25/2013 08:00 AM


Oh, i get the butterflies.....but just cause they are there doesnt mean its a good idea.

Good boundaries, waited, and you like him. He nas been estranged before, and wouldn't it just eat your ex up knowing it was his friend. See where my mind is.

You should never go into a relationship with any hint or possiblity of it being partly revenge or 'getting back' at your ex. If this is in any part of your reasoning, then you should stop and realize that those are false pretenses to have a relationship.

Life is short, and if you are healed, go slowly and if nothing else, you have a good male friend.

Life is short, but it doesnt have to be drama filled and seriously complicated.

its a really good suggestion to give yourself time to heal, get to know yourself, find out who you are without a partner....before you actually get another one.

If he is still around when you have given that time to yourself....then I would say go into it slowly...but right now - not so much

wonderingbull posted 4/25/2013 08:13 AM

I wouldn't say that KD and my ex were actually friends but they did know each other through our family gatherings...

When the ex and I were together and KD was with her now ex we didn't even look sideways at each other... I enjoyed her spirit but never thought about it on any level...

When I saw her at a family get together and we were both single I knew she wouldn't be single long... I took the chance and asked her out...

It's worked out great so far... The ex sent me an email a month or so into the new relationship stating she heard about us... That surprised the hell out of me but I didn't care...

I'd say, take it slow and see where it might go... You never know... I know I don't regret it one bit...


Sad in AZ posted 4/25/2013 08:25 AM

Examine yourself--if your relationship with your X has been over in spirit for sometime, I don't think the suggested timeframe for healing from D necessarily applies.

Having experienced OLD and other methods of meeting potential dates from 'scratch', I would overwhelmingly welcome an old 'friend'. Really, I feel you have to be friends before you can be successful lovers. But that's just my opinion...

ajsmom posted 4/25/2013 08:34 AM

Well...he's been pretty open about his feelings toward you.

How do YOU feel about HIM?


stupidstupidme posted 4/25/2013 08:57 AM

I agree with what Mousse said - it seems to me that if their friendship is not that strong, and he only rekindled it because of you, he may have no qualms about distancing himself from your ex in order to provide a more comfortable atmosphere for you...

I say proceed slowly... with caution.

amitheow posted 4/25/2013 09:12 AM

If you date him, he WON'T be friends with your X anymore. He will let that relationship go. I can almost guarantee it.

So as long as it doesn't bother him that you were with his friend, then ... go for it, when you feel ready, if you ever do.

SoHappyNow posted 4/25/2013 09:19 AM

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My late husband and I met a really good and decent man about 18 months ago when the 3 of us became neighbors in a retirement community. As my hubby's health worsened until his death from lung cancer 3 months ago, Friend (F) spent more and more time watching over hubby - up to 8 to 10 hours daily. At one point my husband told F "you're not a friend, you're FAMILY". Hubby asked F to take care of me after he died.

After my husband died, F and I still kept spending time together and our friendship became even closer.
I moved across town to a new apartment on March 1st. On March 14th, F confessed that he had feelings for me.

Since then, our love for each other has grown and grown. I am seizing this second chance at true happiness.......because I know I am tough and very resilient and will be OK no matter what may come my way.

Point being: you're the only one who really knows yourself and your risk tolerance. If you think you can, I always advise to go for the gusto!

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 9:21 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

Dawnie posted 4/25/2013 14:50 PM

IMHO, as long as you arent pursuing him just to get revenge on your ex then go for it..... but go slow...


GabyBaby posted 4/25/2013 14:54 PM

I also agree that you should go for it (slowly!!!).

It sounds like this guy has boundaries (wow!) and didnt make his feelings known until AFTER the divorce.
If you're into him and he's into you, have fun!

wildbananas posted 4/25/2013 15:57 PM

Then he told me that he has always thought the world of me. That the main reason he became friends with XWH again was because of me.

I'm curious... was he friends with XWH again because he wanted to be closer to you? Or because you helped them to get talking again?

sudra posted 4/26/2013 09:36 AM

You shouldn't make your decision based upon how it might affect your ex husband - you shouldn't do it to get back at him, but you also shouldn't NOT see him because he's your exhusband's friend.

He can decide for himself if a relationship with you is worth risking his friendship with your ex. It's not your issue.

Sounds like he's got good boundaries - I doubt if he renewed his friendship with you ex just because of you given that you've been married 11 years and this happened at the beginning of your marriage.

Do you feel ready to date? If so, why not?

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