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Questioning my actions

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Unagie posted 4/24/2013 15:21 PM

I question all I do, every interaction with someone of the opposite sex. Every interaction in general. I take tango lessons with one of my best friends, I question myself if I smile or joke around with any of my dance partners. I went to bachata dancing with her last night and was content to watch he dance, there were a couple performances as well. I got asked to dance right when we were paying our bill for the food and joked around with the guy I was dancing with and immediately questioned myself if this was wrong. None of it seemed like anything else but friendly talking while dancing with a stranger, he asked me for a second dance and I told him no thank you I was leaving and he said thank you, kind of hugged me and walked to someone else asking if they want to dance. The hug threw me off and it's when I started questioning if anything I said or did made it seem like I was seeking attention. I even went over my convo with my friend and she said no it sounds like you were just being nice. I'm used to hugs when dancing, even my tango instructor expects us to hug our new partners when we're doing rotation because it creates a friendlier atmosphere.

Am i questioning myself too much or is this good for me?

dameia posted 4/24/2013 15:25 PM

I would have to say it's a good thing. You're not too far out from all the mess, so you should be extra vigilant.

cinnamongurl posted 4/24/2013 22:49 PM

Happens to me all the time. I'm afraid to make eye contact with the grocery clerk. And then I question if THAT was appropriate behavior. Unagie, you need to be gentle with yourself. If even your friend sees you were acting appropriately, then you probably were. You can't control how others treat you, but you can control how you react to that treatment.

wario posted 4/24/2013 23:15 PM

I don't usually post but I'm going to go out on a limb here and share something my therapist told me.

A lot of the actions we do don't look like much from the outside. Question the feelings like the fear r behind making eye contact,rand the intent behind it. Are you making eye contact because you are talking to the person or is it that you want them to notice you. Im using the grocery clerk example like cinnamongurl because its a very clean example.

I have to keep my post short, this android tablet is driving me nuts

[This message edited by wario at 11:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Unagie posted 4/25/2013 00:34 AM

That's the thing I don't want the attention I am literally just being friendly but what if my idea of friendly is taken as something else. I fear a lot now and I question everything I do. I don't ever want to hurt him again.

tired girl posted 4/25/2013 02:57 AM

So are you guys together or apart?

Laura28 posted 4/25/2013 03:32 AM

Hi Unagie

BW here.

"Integrity is doing the right thing even if no one is watching".

From your post and your profile I believe that you are displaying integrity. You are thinking about your actions.

You will know if what you are doing is wrong the moment it happens.

If that happens all you have to do is make the choice to stop. You need to know in your own mind that when the time comes you can make that choice.

Am i questioning myself too much or is this good for me?

This may sound crazy but I often have this silly wish that some woman would come on to my FWH and he would rebuff her. I would like to know this happened.

How can anyone ever know that they have the ability to resist temptation if they don't experience it? I don't think you are meaning to send out "available" signals but if this is happening and you don't actually mean that then you have choices about how to respond to any advances.

I truly believe I would make great progress in my healing if I knew that some very attractive woman made advances towards my FWH and he said "No thanks, I'm married".

but what if my idea of friendly is taken as something else.

Then you explain. Quietly and calmly. "I'm sorry if you misunderstood. I am in a committed relationship".

Then you tell your partner what happened and how you responded.

Good luck


Unagie posted 4/25/2013 11:59 AM

Thank you for the responses.

TG we are trying to make it work. I had to move back in because my friend's mother came to visit her for a few months but didn't tell us til the week before that she was bringing 5 friends so I had to come back. I'm still living out of a suitcase and all my stuff is still in storage. Some days it feels like we are okay but most of the time it feels like an in house separation and I am just trying to concentrate on making sure I had strong boundaries and making sure I am a better me. Once classes end in a month I have a big decision to make and he has already said he thinks I will leave because he can't give me what I deserve anymore. It tears my heart apart but he may be right, all I get from him are words, his actions go against many of his words. He changed the PW on his phone a month ago and I just found out, he barely wants to do anything outside the house with me, words of caring or lobe are nonexistent for the most part unless I initiate, and he's making plans to go to carnival or mardi gras with his friends and I keep telling him those are 2 events you are aware I've wanted to go to, I've still yet to travel outside the US and have not been anywhere with you in almost a year. I keep saying you make no plans to go out with me but you are making travel plans with them...he's treading on thin ice and I feel like I'm really wanting it all to stop because just saying you want a life and future with me is not enough for me to stay.

As I get stronger and better boundaries I realize that despite what I did I am still worthy of feeling happy and being cherished, he just may not be capable of doing that for me anymore. I think I need to go have a good cry now. BBL.

burntashes posted 4/25/2013 23:51 PM

(((Unagie))) I've been there and know how much it hurts to be living with someone you love but feeling like there's none being given from him. How does he respond when you point out the inconsistencies between his words and actions? Have you asked him how he envisions life with you from this point on? There's very little words of love from my husband as well. In fact it's mostly him responding occassionally that he loves me too after I said it. I feel we're more like roomates. If he truely wants to be with you, ask him to give you an idea of what he can provide, and you can decide if you can live with that. But if he can't be honest and make some efforts to include you in his activities, the relationship will most likely be painful. It would be better to start a new life if there's no path to improving the relationship. Put your focus on things that you do have control over and do things that make you happy. Wishing you strength and healing.

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