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XH and I are now "in a relationship"

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webmistress posted 4/24/2013 16:26 PM

I always appreciated a positive post in the dark days, so thought I'd share.

Dday for me was October 5, 2010, but our marriage had been on the rocks for at least a year before that. He had a drinking problem he wasn't addressing, and not ever having dealt with substance abuse, I had no idea what to do but get angry. We tried MC and had quite possibly the worst counselor EVER. He flat out told us to separate. We decided H would go to California for a month to visit his family so we could have some distance and figure out what to do.

Little did I know, he was already completely disengaged from the marriage. It was during that month that he had the A (OW an old gf from hight school). We talked very infrequently while he was there, and when we did, he didn't communicate at all about his thoughts on our marriage, or solutions going forward. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Cold, distant, mean, quick to pick a fight, and basically a bastard to be around. Meanwhile, I had been in IC and had figured out some things. I was ready to make a new start.

What I didn't know was that OW was pregnant. He was telling her he was leaving me and bringing her where we live, but unfortunately not telling anyone else. I found FB messages between him and other women (not even OW!) on FB, which is what led to the blowout that sent me to an attorney. My intention was just to find out my options. Then when he and I talked and I mentioned it, that's when he confessed all. Devastated, I threw him out then and there and filed the next day.

We engaged in the usual routine of HB, TT, blame shifting, gas lighting, and rug sweeping for the next few months while he procrastinated signing the divorce papers. But when I told him my conditions for R, including NC, he told me he "didn't want to break OW's heart." I couldn't believe the absurdity of that statement and knew I had no choice but to end it. I told him I'd have him served if he didn't sign.

Our divorce was final February 23, 2011. Two weeks later, my father passed away. I don't know if anytime in my life could ever be that dark. I had to take sleeping pills to sleep, and cried every 10 minutes (no exaggeration). I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks because I couldn't eat a thing. It's a miracle I was able to stay employed!

But, by the end of that summer, things were marginally better. I spent my 40th birthday in San Francisco, and decided to turn things around when I got home. I was ready to move on. Coincidentally enough, XH texted me everyday during that trip. I ignored him. When I got back, he started being more chatty when he came to pickup DD, and we gradually started having a dialogue again.

Beginning of 2012 was when we first broached the idea of R. Around spring was when we started MC again (with a new counselor!). She had some vaguely interesting insights, but didnt address the A, and just seemed to mediate our arguments, not really offer any real solutions for change. Btw, I had also started going to BAN meetings (Beyond Affairs Network) early on, which were enormously helpful. By last summer, I felt like we should really be further along if we were talking about R. But, he continually said he wasn't "ready" to move back home, and I sensed he was still feeding me some TT. I felt we were wasting time and money, and said that if we hadn't moved forward by October, it was over for good.

Well, one week before Halloween, he moved back in. Unfortunately, it was because his roommate had kicked him out after discovering XH's A with his marred sister. This had happened during the very early days of us talking about R, so I considered it dday #2. Devastating. But, he sad this was definitely the last of the secrets, he'd do anything for me to take him back, blah bah blah. I wasn't even sure I wanted to consider it at that point.

Then one night at a BAN meeting, there was an MC as a guest to talk about infidelity (her specialty). She was really smart and tough, and I knew instantly that if se couldn't help us, there was no hope. After the new year, we had our first appointment. People, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a good counselor!! If you can find one who specializes in infidelity, even better! She is tough without being judgemental, makes XH comfortable but accountable, and has completely turned this relationship around.

So, where are we today? Officially
"In a relationship" on his FB status, which brings things around full circle for me since FB has been a huge trigger. We have weekly de nuts, and the sex life is on the mend. Our communication is 100% better than it was (though not perfect) and overall I'm pleased with where we are. We still have a lot of work ahead, but I'm optimistic.

So, the moral of this loooooong story is, hang in there. Be strong. Take care of you and your kiddos. Things CAN get better even a father the worst possible scenarios!

boontje posted 4/24/2013 18:59 PM

What a fantastic update!! You are right, a good MC can make all the difference. We need to get back into MC soon, and this time, I would like it to be with someone who specializes in infidelity. Our last MC wasn't bad, but we felt we weren't making much progress.

I remember reading your posts when I first found SI. You have come full circle!
I'm so happy for you!!

HUM1021 posted 4/25/2013 00:05 AM

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