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Don't even get one anniversary

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hobbeskat posted 4/24/2013 17:07 PM

Only 2 months out from DD (I'll update my profile) and we're in R and he's being great at the moment and I am mostly feeling okay. But I just got this huge rush of grief that we don't even get one wedding anniversary without this. Not one to look back to, "before". In a way it's a mercy- can it ever be worse than this?- but it feels so unfair. I hate that he has done this to me and to us.

Just a rant, sorry. Every day I feel a new sense of grief. I am glad I can talk to him about it but sometimes I really feel like walking away. I love him to death but this feels so tainted to me now. Our wedding feels like a sham instead of the most important day of our lives. He feels this grief, too, and is acute for him as he has caused it. He is in a lot of pain but he is (finally) putting me first. But I feel like stamping my feet and saying, "It's not fair!"

VD2012 posted 4/24/2013 22:07 PM

I actually know how you feel. My wife's affair with a coworker began exactly 5 months after we married and I found out less than a month later.

We didn't have a large wedding or anything, it was more a formality than anything. Just us and our daughter down at city hall. We'd been engaged for what seemed like ages but because of how dysfunctional our families are we could never have the lovely family focused wedding we wanted. We waited for certain people to get over themselves (mainly her immediate family) but in the meantime other people died and resentments grew. We just kind of said screw it "lets do this for us". So that day was more to formalize what had already been for years.

I look at pictures of us from that day and we both have the most genuine smiles and loving looks on our faces. We were truly in love. Yet she hated herself, and that's why I'm here.

It sucks really. Our first wedding anniversary comprised of us having a multi-hour conversation about her affair and everything that lead to it. It was an extremely cathartic and necessary conversation for me and considering our lives now was a true step forward for us, but I'm not going to say I envisioned my first wedding anniversary dealing with that when I said "I do" a year prior. We also had a nice night out to a movie and she gave me a photo album of various pictures from our life together with a large section to be filled in in the future (I still really like the symbolism she was going for). She also wrote out and gave me new vows to replace the ones she'd so easily tossed aside. I don't even know if I did anything for her, I think I wrote something but can't even remember. Sadly, that's how important it was to me.

I put much more stock into our relationship anniversary, which is in March. Yet, well, their affair started about a week after our 8th. So... kind of bugs me too now.

You're in early days, and considering how recent your D-Day was and the fact he cheated not long after marriage you're in for a hell of a ride. I don't say that to scare you or cause concern but as wisdom from someone who's been on this particular version of the nasty rollercoaster. I still feel those pangs of grief at a year out when it comes to that. Not even a year married. I at least can look at our years together prior to her breakdown and cheating. Yet still... 5 months and it happened.

Hopefully your husband can dig deep into why he would risk everything after making such a commitment. For my wife actually getting married inadvertently scared the shit out of her without me realizing. I truly loved her, something she could never believe (because of her FOO issues) and there I was committing myself to her forever. Her internal hate and self destructiveness then blew up when a select few events transpired with her family and she decided to blow up her life and make sure I'd leave her for someone better.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Been sick and can't think clearly, but was struck by that similarity between us. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, and how you feel is perfectly normal.

ETA: Forgot to mention, I have decided that I do want one thing in the future from her because of all this. When the time feels right, when she thinks it's appropriate and when life is good and we're in a great place together for some extended time I want her to propose to me. I want to eventually renew our vows and "remarry". But I want her to ask me, to win me back fully into the relationship and marriage to the point I am not only comfortable doing so but want to.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 10:12 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

BEM817 posted 4/25/2013 13:58 PM


Please know that we're here for you and you can and will get through this.

I feel very much the same way as you. My anniversary was yesterday and it meant nothing to me, even at a year out...

[This message edited by BEM817 at 1:59 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

hurting7897 posted 4/25/2013 15:33 PM

This may sound crazy to you, but you are actually very lucky that you know. Read my profile--I have been with my FWH for 23 years and he had his first A three years after our wedding. He was never going to tell me about it. I found out 16 years later. If I had known, these last 16 years wouldn't hurt so badly now with this tainted new reality. If you guys stay together, you won't have the pain of false intimacy and a lesser-than marriage than you thought you had.

Hugs to you.

hobbeskat posted 4/25/2013 16:33 PM

I'll reply fully when I'm not about to run out, but thank you for your replies. I do think I am lucky to know, in some ways, and also lucky he ended it, then told me straight after, though they continued to text for a few days (but that was because I was in shock and like, "Yeah, don't worry, we'll be friends again one day", and when he/I said NC, she texted him a lot of manipulative crap). I have told him our wedding doesn't feel special anymore, that songs don't, that I don't, and that I hate myself for confiding in her when she knew exactly what was happening because it was her. He has asked for a year to prove himself, to be who I deserve, and that's what I'm giving him. It was a similar situation in that this came out of fear and self hatred.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, hurting. I can imagine how that must have felt. And VD2012, I relate to an awful lot you said and thanks, I will reply properly! Thank you too, BEM. x

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 4:38 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

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