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Im struggling today. I swear if I had some money laid aside Id take my kids and go. Hubby is doing the right things, he's doing counseling and accountability with 2 other men. He's trying to be loving. He seems like he hasn't a care in the world. He's gotten if off his shoulders and is working toward R and here I sit in the "what the hell just happened?!" stage. The A never leaves my mind. Sometimes I cant breath cause it pops in my head. 28 years and this man does this to me? WHAT THE HELL?!?!? He filed for D in January after 7 weeks of MC.(I was determined I wouldn't be the one to make the decision to D or not and what the F he wanted out of life) I put it on him to decide. Said he didn't want anymore time to reconcile with me. He took money out of our account without my knowledge and set up his own account with the intent of moving out. He went to a lawyer and moved himself into the downstairs bedroom. Valentine's day he came home and said he'd changed his mind. He was an idiot, he'd made a mistake, it was all his fault. Told me he'd do whatever I needed him to do. By that time he'd done so many evil things and said so many cruel things to me I was done. I was working the 180 just for myself so I could move on. I knew he had filed and was waiting to be served and started making plans to get a place with my kids. Id been going on my way doing fun things with the kids and I increased my hours at work so I'd have a little more income. I was moving on. I was beginning to feel good about things and excited that the kids and I would be getting a new place. My daughter was falling apart and my son was angry with his dad but I was determined we'd go on by ourselves and make a happy life together. Their dad was planning to live about 1/2 hour away so I knew we wouldn't see him much and actually that was a relief. His AP was there plus his job. I guess I should be happy that he came back to us but I still feel like Im 2nd best,that he's doing what he thinks is the right thing to do and not that he really cares if we are together. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants me but why in the hell didn't he speak up 7 months ago before he screwed her! I feel like a piece of trash pitched to the side. HE is my trigger. Every time he's around I think of what he did. Sex is sickening cause I think of him having her here in our home and in our bed. How can I get past these feelings of disgust and make this work? I don't know how to do it...

undonelife,

WH has put you through so much and your anger and confusion is understandable. It's early in the process and many have come from where are you are and gotten to a good place, whether it be R or D.

Is WH consistently showing you with his actions, not only telling you, that he wants R? Is he completely NC with AP?

It takes a lot of time for you to gain some clarity, and during that time it is a major roller coaster. Are you in IC to work through your own feelings and figure out how to deal with them?

(((undonelife)))

Sorry to hear about your terrible time. No wonder you are struggling and shell shocked. Hubby is busy with his IC and working towards R, while you have been run over by a bus.

Sounds like he is calling all the shots. HE saw a lawyer, HE took it upon himself to take money out of your account with the intent to move out and then HE changed his mind and decided he wanted to R. Sounds like it is time for you to take back some of the power in your own life.

I don't have the answers, except give yourself some time to make major decisions. From where I stand (mind you I am in an anger phase ) he needs to do some major ass kicking to convince you to stay with his sorry ass.