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Newest Member: OneLittleVictory (61821)

User Topic: Stbxh is interested in SI, any advice?
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXH has heard me refer to some "affair speak" and asked where I have gotten the information. I told him about some of what I've learned on SI-geneerically-and how so much of his A is classic.

Do you know, today he asked me if I was going to send him the link?

It is the very, very first glimpse of his showing kindness to anything I've tried to say or interest in learning anything about it.

My hopes are not up, please don't anyone think that, but I'm a little tiny bit pleased that he didn't just yell at me.

I told him about the Wayward threads (he said, "what's a wayward? and I said "You are!" and how so many stories relate to him and what he did to us.

The reason for my question is because I could picture him discovering my screen name and dissecting my posts and possibly using them against me.

I don't think it really means anything much that he asked to look at it, but I was surprised.

Has anyone ever copied/pasted posts of particular note and what are the rules for this? Do I ask the authors, or mods, or is it ever heard of to ask a WS to "speak" with him in a one-on-one way electornically?

Is there any benefit to it?

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my experience, it's a bad idea to share SI with the WS. I certainly wouldn't share it with a WS I was in the process of divorcing.

The waywards who get the most out of SI are the waywards who find it for themselves, imo. Actions speak louder than words, and someone who wants to get help will do the google search it takes to find SI, kwim?

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brenť Brown

Posts: 13042 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't tell him about SI.

I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4939 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really, really good point of view. Thank you!

I'm glad I hesitated.

I know exactly what you mean.

More from the heart if they do it themselves?

He's done too much damage to take back, but it would be nice if he'd think and really realize what he did.

Does that make any sense?

Knowing him, he'd come and correct everyone, lol!

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI is such a popular site that if he wanted to find it, he easily could. He's taking the lazy way out (again!) by asking you to tell him what site it is. Really? If he really wanted to change, he'd be going to counseling, going on forums, reading books, and trying to change. He's not. He's just throwing you crumbs. Don't fall for it. Don't give him your venting place. Many who have have regretted it later. No good can come from sharing!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some WS have tried to use things they see their BS's post here against them. Although it doesn't stand in court (anonymous), this is your safe place, to say how you feel, ask for advice. Most BS's that are on the divorce track end up wishing their WS didn't know about it here. It hurts sometimes to have things thrown back at them.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5921 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
♀ 5372
Member # 5372
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't tell him about SI.

Me neither. This was supposed to be my healing space, but my ex was reading my posts like a loser. What's the point, honestly? I guess he didn't think what he did warranted the need for me to heal.

D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."

Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
♀ 35150
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't do it. Sorry, it sounds like he is trying to manipulate you so he can lurk your postings etc... If he wanted to be in it for healing, he would have just googled a random infidelity site or something to gain some insight.

Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent my xh many of the articles and he only picked out the stuff that he thought I should do, nothing about him.

I know someone with a wh and he never knew anything about this site and didn't have to be told what to do, he did everything and more just by knowing what he had to do to save his family.

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 27454
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about sending him the baggagereclaim link.

There are 100s of thought provoking posts there.

Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

ďWe must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.Ē

Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never want my STBX to find out about this site. This is my safe place to vent about him.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
Grace and Flowers
♀ 34431
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my co-dependent way of trying to fix and manage everything, I told WXH early on about SI...emailed him whole threads.....suggested good things to read, etc. I did not tell him my user name.

Didn't matter. He never gave enough of a crap to ever look at it.

The others are right....if they want help, they can find it. We did.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 12:24 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

"Absence makes the clarity grow stronger" - cantaccept

"A good man with good intentions has no reason to lie" - somer222

Posts: 1398 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost told the ex about it back when I was positive that she would decide that she was making a mistake, would come back to me and we would spend the rest of our lives skipping in sunny green fields while dandelion fluff floated all around us.
That was a delusion on my part. She was never going to come back. She will never be capable of the sort of empathy that would be required to fix things. She lacks self awareness and emotional maturity. I think most cheaters are the same. It's easy to get your hopes up if reconciliation is what you really want, especially if you spend a lot of time here. There is a forum with a good number of people who have cheated but who also have the emotional depth to recognize that it was a terrible choice that, in the long run, is likely to damage them more than it could ever damage the BS. I think the reformed and reforming waywards here are part of a tiny minority.
Personally, I'm glad I never told the ex about this place. It wouldn't have made a difference and even if it had, I'm allergic to dandelions.

Posts: 2979 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
♂ 33491
Member # 33491
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ashland13,
I would direct your husband to your site and Iím talking from the perspective of WS.

As you are divorcing, there is no real harm in doing so. It is not like something you have said can destroy your relationship, because, as I understand, there is no relationship left.
There are WSís that are incapable to understand the damage they have caused. On top of this, I think that generally, men are less intuitive than women, anyway. It would definitely give your husband more information about your real thoughts and feelings, and the abundance of information can only lead to knowledge. And that, canít be bad. In situations like ours, written words are laid out on the pages of SI without a chance of conflict or fight. They can be read over and over again, analyzed, thought about, referenced. It can only make positive change in your husband, if he is willing to change at all. It might make him think, if he is willing to think. It will teach him something if he wantís to learn. If he doesnít, you will lose nothing.

I agree that this is your safe place to be, but I donít see why it wouldnít be once you tell your husband about this site. There are many rules here to protect BSís, and I guess, if you donít follow them, you will be thrown out. I agree that he can find this site himself, too. As I understand, from your post, heís got no idea about what this whole SI universe means. My wife directed me to this site and for the last 2 years I have been reading posts, I can tell you that I have changed my ideas about SI more than once. When I first started reading I was so confused about everything, especially myself, that I wasnít really getting the most of the site. The funny thing is that it was I that discovered this site even before her, but didnít bother reading because I was obsessed with finding the site for Sex Addicts only, and SI had references mostly to less frequent infidelities and from my perspective, those were things far less ďseriousĒ to the amount of terror I have caused. Little I knew at that time that all of that was a question of heart and mind, and that the ďsmallestĒ infidelities and the ďbiggestĒ ones had one thing in common Ė the destruction they have caused to the innocent spouse. Yes, I would have eventually found this site, but it would be 3 or 6 months later, and I think that I would have lost some precious time. Another aspect, too, is that once I got courage to post I got many valuable advices. Every time I was out of line or touch, 2x4 would start flying in. On the WSís section I found myself in the good company, quite a few wise veterans whose words I would respect. Not a single bad advice came my direction, and if it ever would have, mechanics and dynamics of this site would soon make it completely irrelevant with the abundance of the good advices. Many times I have been advised by BSís too and that helped me to get the further understanding of the universe. That abundance of information became knowledge. I donít pretend to say that Iím a different man, that I become good as opposed to bad, that I have used that knowledge correctly, just simply stating that I have more knowledge than I had 2 years ago.

But still, I want you to take this advice of mine with the pinch of salt. Being an Sex Addict I have demonstrated serious emotional, intimacy and empathy problems. I might not be able as a SA or WS to understand how much a place like SI, the private and secluded side of it means to BSís. I donít want to take this away from any BS and I apologize upfront to all the previous posters if I didnít understand the magnitude of this need properly. What also worries me is that there is not a single BS yet that has confirmed that giving away this place has done something good for them. Therefore I will restrict this comment to my thoughts only and to my experience and to the fact that Iím WS and I wanted you to hear the voice from the other side.
Good Luck.

WH 50 years
BS 48 years
Married 24 years
Son 16 years
DD 1 - 15.11.10
DD2 - 18.2.11
DD3 - 25.4.11
Desperately trying to hang in tiny space left for me. Sober since DD1, no relapses, not even close.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2011
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell no, you're divorcing! People have had their posts used against them in court! We've "lost" some really great posters because of it, and quite a few people actually censor themselves when they post in fear that their stbx is lurking (wisely so IMO), especially since posting certain stuff online waives your attorney client privilege).

If you were working to reconcile, I'd definitely say bring him in, but not if D/S is your "home" on SI.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14452 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quite a few people actually censor themselves when they post in fear that their stbx is lurking

I was one of them. My concern was that anything I posted would be used in an attempt to manipulate me. (he didn't want a D he wanted the marriage where he got to cheat, and I was ignorant and stuck). You can't achieve NC with STBX when they have a portal into what you are feeling, thinking, worrying about. I still censor what I say at times - or PM rather than poke a bear that might be lurking - cause frankly I don't want to deal with anything from that quarter.

During the D - I didn't feel I could ask questions: Is this realistic? Is this a bad idea? Can I use this as leverage? Has anyone else done this? Should I let him take _______? And I never tore off a good rant, or a good cry - cause my phone would have lit up incessantly.

I wish I had kept SI my safe place.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ash,

No, I wouldn't give him a link to the site. If he was remorseful and wanted to R, then I would say yes, but he is not. This is your safe place to vent, share your feelings, and get advice.

I tried to get my WH#2 to join after DDay#2 when he said he wanted to R. I was in the belief at the time that he was remorseful and wanted to fix our marriage. I soon discovered he only wanted to sweep everything under the rug and act like his 3yr LTA never happened. He refused to read books, articles, or anything else that might help him to realize what he had done to me and our marriage. He still has his head up his ass and nothing I have said or did in the last 9 months has made any difference. He is usually sweet and kind to me, has been transparent, and as far as I know is NC with the OW. This is all he has done. He went to IC 3 times then stopped going, read about 50 pages in a book and then never finished it, sat once with me on a audio semeinar about the effects of cheating, but went to bed before it was finished. He just wants to avoid everything that reminds him of what he screwed up. Basically he is regretful he got caught, but not remorseful for what he did, which will be our downfall and why I am leaning toward D when I get my health problems straightened out. Being nice and telling me he loves me will not save our marriage. I tried to tell him that after DDay#2 and laid out my requirements for R. He has failed miserably. He just doesn't get it and doesn't want to do the work that R requires to be successful.

From what you have said your WH is not looking to R and not willing to do the work that R requires of him either, so I would question why he would even want to come on SI. He can't even get past NC, so why bother? Like everyone else has said if he really wanted to R, he could do the research needed just like you did to find support and answers. I know you are, as I am, hoping he will pull his head out of his ass and want to save your marriage. I am at the point that it is what I want, but not really what he wants and I can't control that and neither can you. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9206 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 30086
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can find it on his own if he really wants to. Seriously it's the first thing that pops up when you google infidelity surviving, getting over, recovering from, etc..

I also would NOT copy and paste anything to him. So say he does find this site and he has stuff you copied and pasted. He does a search and he knows exactly who you are. Then goes through any post he can access, picking the things that he can focus on how you've done him wrong. My SAWH did this before he was remotely into recovery then used every rant or problem I had to try and make me feel like the worst person on the planet... during the weeks after DDay and the subsequent new information an additional DDays.

Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 505 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 38010
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the resounding *NO*, as in hell to the no. I was basically stalked on SI and even now will hesitate to post something that is a genuine concern that I could really use help on because of it.
I wish I had kept SI my safe place.

^^^ me too. You are divorcing, his healing is no longer involving you, and yours should not involve him.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again, everybody.

I won't show him anything.

What I wonder is if he wants the site exactly for using against me?

He already spews things back at me that apparently he's been storing for a long while, resentments he chose to hide instead.

He is very IT saavy and technical oriented and it probably wouldn't be long before he knew my posts.

That's why I posted the question prior to doing anything...I'm glad I did.

I've read about some others of you that had it bite you and I'm sorry for that. Seems that sometimes, no matter how much we want to help, it's not going to work?

And I agree, and have told him before when tracking him for pictures of my daughter. He would ask for a link and I would say, "find it yourself, I'm asking the questions." This was only in interest in getting our daughter off of his social network pages with the A/OW and not anything more.

I wouldn't put it past him to send OW here, either...uggh!

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 25
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