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Why can't I act civil?

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eyesrnowopen posted 4/24/2013 21:59 PM

It is now 6 weeks post and he is in Ic and so am I. He is living at his mothers. He wanted us to see his therapist so he could tell me why he felt bad in the marriage. Then we both decided that we were not ready and in too much pain for now.

He came to see our kids 13 and 16. Up until now we were at baseball games. Much easier to act civil in public. I was trying to be civil and asked him to stay to dinner. A few things are said and I cant help with a few digs. I know i was pressing and bitting with a few snide comments. I reminded him that he was going to one of the kids games next week as I had a work dinner. He told me he wasn't sure he had to check his schedule. I replied that he already committed to this and why would he schedule something. Now this is a normal conversation for parents of teens to have but nothing is normal. We cant even try to act normal. Well my daughter 16 lost it, she put down her fork and said that she can not take it and stomped off. He turns to me and says I'm an awful person. He starts to leave, I follow him out to the car. We cry we fight. I ask again how did we get here? He tells me I need help. I'm not handling things right. (I 'm inclined to agree) he says he is getting Ic and he wants R. he says he loves me and just wants us to move onto a better place. I tell him that i need him to be truly sorry. He says he is truly sorry and he was so stupid and he will never hurt me again like this. I say I need to ask more questions and his stories don't add up. He says he answered all my questions 10 x over. (See separate post about stories.) I ask him why he has no more calls or texts on his cell. I ask him if he has a new cell. He says no, he just doesn't use it anymore. He tells me it is not healthy to stalk him. I tell him our marriage is not healthy. He says the marriage will not survive if i can't stop obsessing over his whereabouts. I ask again if he slept with anyone (he still claims no PA). I cry and tell him I was tested today for STDs. (I should get results in 5 days). He tells me if I have one it did not come from him and maybe he should get tested. That's it. I leave the car in tears.

I can't be around when he comes over. I will need to leave next time. When does this bitterness end? I just can't help myself. I told myself I should do 180 but it is hard.

Sorry for the long rant.

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 10:04 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

What2Thnk posted 4/24/2013 22:11 PM

Yes you need 180. But he's rugsweeping and most likely TTing. And I think the story about just not using his cell is pretty suspicious. What is your gut telling you?

What2Thnk posted 4/24/2013 22:14 PM

Oh and when the WS starts telling you that something is wrong with YOU (gaslighting) that should be a big gigantic red flag. What's wrong with YOU is that you've had to deal with HIM.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/24/2013 22:58 PM

Why do you want to act civil to him? He's being rude and dismissive of your feelings.

Let's see:
he broke the *I'll go to DS's game* agreement;

calls you awful because your DD is hurting and upset;

he's decided that *you* aren't 'handling' this right;

he says that *you* 'need help';

he doesn't want to answer anymore questions because he's already answered them '10x over' (translation: get over it)
he calls you a stalker;

he calls you obssessed;

and then, as a parting shot, he turns *himself* into the injured party who might possibly have been cheated on by YOU.

I have heard every, single one of those things. Some of them many, many times. And in my was because Sultan was still lying. Instead of being honest with me and putting forth true effort, he fell back on back-handed insults, deflection, and gaslighting. I see a LOT of those things in what you've written about your WH.

It's hard to be 'civil' to a person that is giving you such large doses of disrespect. But, TBH, I didn't really see anything in what you wrote about how you were interacting with your WH that I would describe as *not civil*, especially considering how recent your Dday was.

If you want an example of what *not civil* looks like, you should have been a fly on the wall at my house about 8 months ago. Sultan was still lying, still cheating, and still insisting that *my anger* was the issue. My response to nearly every statement that he made was: "Fuck off" and I sometimes added: "you lying cheater." Yea, it was toxic stew.

eyesrnowopen posted 4/25/2013 05:54 AM

I feel bad about interacting in front of the kids. Now I get the 180. I wrote him a text that I will not be here when he sees the kids. I don't want them to see this much tension. It's bad enough without that.

ninebark posted 4/25/2013 06:10 AM

It is so hard to be civil in front of the kids. THere are times even now I have to stop myself from making comments in front of DS.

I think your email to him was a good thing. You are too raw right now and you know it, take some time away from him and keep all conversation away from the kids as much as possible.


Take2 posted 4/25/2013 06:15 AM

Being civil to someone you feel is b/sing you is difficult. Hard to be civil when someone is lying to your face, and trying to make you out to be the bad guy.

The 180 sounds like a good idea. Him seeing the kids on a regular basis is a good idea.

You having to leave the house for him to do that - sounds like a bad precedent to set...
Think through the options on that part: How many nights a week are you willing to sit in a parking lot stewing? For how many hours? Will homework get done? How will you avoid contact when returning home? How will you feel if he helps himself to stuff he wants, takes pictures, or removes paperwork? Is there another place he could spend time with the kids?

mchercheur posted 4/25/2013 06:45 AM

(((eyes now open)))

Agree with the other posters about everything. I also read your other post with all of his Bullsh*t stories. He has cheated on you with at least 3 OW, & there are probably others. I think you have been acting like an angel considering.
Only communicate with him re: kids & money, nothing else. And go & talk to a lawyer. Your WH is deep in the fog. Let him take the kids out someplace, or to his mother's , if he wants to see them.
I could have written your post a year & a half ago----things were exactly the same as that in our house when my WH would come over to see the kids (he also stayed with his mother at that time). It was a horrible nightmare.
Don't make the mistakes I did. I ended up taking him back without getting full disclosure, without him fully owning what he did, & I am putting up with him still working at the same job where OW is still in the building (who knows if & how much they still see each other), & I don't believe WH is truly remorseful or "gets it" to this day. All the while twisting myself into a pretzel so he doesn't go off & do it again.
Wish I had known about this site when I was at the point that you are now.

Get it clear in your mind what your minimum requirements are in order to R, & don't accept anything less. Write it out & let him read it on paper.

I know you are in agony now.
Sending you hugs & strength. It will get better, one way or another. Good luck.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:48 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

eyesrnowopen posted 4/25/2013 09:50 AM

Thanks for all the encouragement. I have seen a lawyer. The IC told me to change the locks The lawyer told me not to and that legally he has a right to stay in the house until an agreement is reached. He has not forced this but he did let me know he had that right. His mother lives far away and he has 1 hr commute I figure I can control much of how much he is here and I plan on making sure I am out and busy. Or if I come home he is there. I will stay in my room. I dont't want him back in the house. I could not handle this.

eyesrnowopen posted 4/25/2013 09:57 AM

mchercheur. (((Hugs))). That is my biggest fear that I will take him back and twist myself up. I feel calmer when he is not here. Alone, sad, afraid still but not crazy. I get crazy when I see him.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/25/2013 10:56 AM

I just re-read what I wrote earlier and want to clarify that the *non-civil* behavior Sultan and I engaged in didn't occur around the kids. They were either in school or in the house while we *talked* in the garage. I don't want to give the impression that we engaged in royal battles in front of the littles.

Take2 is right. Having to leave your home whenever he is there is going to get old really quickly. While it may be *do-able* for a very short period of time, I don't see it working out well for long. And the more that you realize that you CANNOT trust him, the more uneasy you will be with having him at your house, alone, and possibly pawing through all your shit.

1Faith posted 4/25/2013 12:09 PM


You cannot act civil because you have been hurt beyond comprehension.

You act out in anger because you are hurt. You need help healing from the person who hurt you so bad. It is not logical to our minds. We swing like a yo yo back and forth between logic and emotion. It is normal. Do not feel bad about your feelings. You have to feel them to get through them. If you push them down then they will only erupt stronger later on down the line.

If he truly wants R then he needs to own what he has done and be completely honest and do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again.

It is all very new for you (even though it doesn't feel like it) - check out the timeline for healing.

Give yourself time and space.

You are NOT an awful person you are put in an awful situation without your consent.

Do not allow him to make this about you. It is about him and his concious choice to cheat.

Keep moving. Try the 180 and know that you deserve better than his projections of blame on you.

Sending healthy hugs...

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