He is going to IC, something he said he'd never do, he gave me all the passwords, something else he said he'd never do, he tells me that he's sorry every time I talk about how much he hurt me, and he tells me he loves me just about every day...but. There's always a but, isn't there?
Two of the things I told him I needed as conditions of R still have not been done, and it doesn't appear that there's any progress on either one of them and I feel like he's rugsweeping instead of addressing these things. He's starting to be surly and angry again, muttering nasty things under his breath and then denying he said anything. The last time I mentioned it, he was still unwilling to go to MC, although he did say he understands we need to go (just 'not yet'). He's getting impatient about answering my questions, telling me that he 'already answered that' or that he feels like he never gets a break from my interrogations. He told me recently that he still finds OW# 2 more physically attractive than me and if it had been just looks, he would have chosen her. And then there's me.
I don't FEEL loved, no matter how often he tells me that he does love me. I don't feel cherished or special. And I really, really need to feel that way. I go back and forth between being angry and feeling almost nothing. I feel trapped, and weak and stupid for not just packing up and leaving right now. Any time I do enjoy his company, it triggers feelings of self-loathing for my weakness, and then rage. I feel like I've lost so much, and I don't know how to reclaim it.
I don't know what to tell him about how to help me past all this. Sometimes I want to tell him that he needs to start over, win me again with persistence and gifts and insanely romantic gestures. But then I remember that he did that already, for other women, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about him doing that for me, like I get secondhand lovemaking. But after all the cheating, what isn't secondhand?
I'm confused about what responsibility for R, lies where. How much responsibility do I have to take care of him, because it's my natural inclination after all this time to do that. How much responsibility should I expect him to take in 'steering the ship' of R? What do I do? What will make me start, just start, to feel better? I just don't know.