There are three things that have to heal post-infidelity. The BS, the WS, and the marriage.
As a FWS, it's hard to stand by and watch my husband's struggles. Thankfully they are fewer and farther between, but there are still times when it will slap him in the face when he least expects it. And it breaks my heart every time to see him struggling.
The tough one we had this week was in regards to an emotion and behavior that I showed in a very unhealthy manner for 8 1/2 years. When I express it, he automatically retracts into a shell. Do I have a "right" to feel emotions or to express myself? Absolutely. But past behaviors have...traumatized him in a way. Part of it stems from his FOO. I will have to be very careful for a very long time. I have to express myself differently and he has to learn to understand where I'm coming from as well.
I made as pretty stupid choice having an A. I don't care how awesome a relationship can be post A. Both individuals (the BS and the WS) will carry the scars for the rest of their lives.