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I didn't want any of this...

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meplustwo posted 4/25/2013 09:24 AM

If you read my profile, you can get a more in depth story, but basically, my husband and I did a4-month trial separation beginning in November because he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He had been having at least an EA with a woman at work. We decided to check in at the end of four months and he still didn't know what he wanted but he told me he didn't want to date anyone and we remain intimate. Yesterday i found out he is having sex and dating the EA. I found some very explicit emails and it was obvious they were having sex. I confronted him. He cried. Said he thought he loved her and this would make him happy. He says it is not making him happy. He says he loves me and is truly confused about his feelings and actions. I told him I would give him until our anniversary (July 3) to reconcile or I was filing for divorce. He agreed. I move into my own apartment next week. I want to be with him. It makes me feel pathetic and weak. I want to believe he still loves me, but his actions say otherwise...His family is devestated at this turn of events. He will be living with his parents this summer so maybe they can talk some sense into him and we can reconcile, but I fully intend on filing if we do not...Just looking for support or those who can comiserate. Thanks for listening!

permanentpain posted 4/25/2013 09:32 AM

I will try to be very gentle. He is cake-eating big time. I understand the shock, the hurt, and missing the person you married. But my question to you is why would you stay with someone that has made you an option? You are giving him time for him to figure out what he wants vs. taking care of you and doing what YOU need for your well-being. You are also hoping that his family helps him change his mind. The reality is, a person will do what that person wants, he already has demonstrated that to you by cheating and lying. Go NC, completely dark on him and let him figure it out and get his head out of his butt. But in the meantime, start doing things to ensure that you come out strong out of this dilemma, regardless of how the marriage ends up. You CANNOT love someone more than you love yourself, and by letting him play with your emotions your letting him do exactly that. Good luck and hugs to you, this is just a really crappy experience that no one really wants.

Heavy Sigh posted 4/25/2013 09:40 AM

Please stop the intimacy. No matter what happens in the end, you'll need your dignity and self-respect. Stop being used sexually. He's weaning himself from you, by having sex, and it will work - he will get over you emotionally, gradually if you have sex with him continually while he has sex with her too.

It's time for him to feel the shock of having lost you. He can't miss you until you're gone, and you're not "gone" because you're having sex with him.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:40 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 4/25/2013 10:07 AM

I am so sorry that you have to join us on this roller coaster ride. I know you are confused and hurt right now. Unfortunately it is time to think of you and your kids. He is only thinking of himself. Do not give him anymore time. He has had enough time to decide what he wants. He has continued to cheat and lie to you and will continue until you say stop. You can not love him back into the marriage. Right now he is using your love to "cake eat" and say he doesn't know what he wants to do. He knows. He needs a reality check to get him off his fence.

Read about the "180" in The healing library, in the upper left corner. I believe it is under the BS questions. It will help you to detach and build your self-esteem. It is very helpful to the BS who has an unremorseful WS or one that is still cheating. Try it and see if it helps. Keep posting, there are lots of BS here to help you through this. (((HUGS)))

Whalers11 posted 4/25/2013 11:27 AM

I apologize if this sounds harsh, but I am going to try to put it as gently as possible...

A lot of times you will read here about the WS who SAYS they want to reconcile, but their actions are inconsistent with that statement. But they do it because it sounds like what they need to say to give the BS hope and keep cake-eating.

Your WH can't even verbalize to you that he wants to attempt to R, and is saying he doesn't know what he wants. Do you really want to be with someone who can't even, unequivocally, tell you that they want you and your marriage?? Like I said, many WS will say it and not mean it when it comes down to it...but this guy can't even say it.

He is telling you straight up, you are a backup choice of many he has. Is that what you really want to be??

tabitha95 posted 4/25/2013 11:47 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. With posting in the Divorce/Separation forum, you will get more straight talk from those of us who went through back-up plan, cake-eating, gas-lighting, and over-all lies and deceit. We already took all of that and for one reason or another stopped accepting that we had to plan our lives according to someone else's selfish needs. Some of us had no choice, others of us, like me, made the choice to stop being mistreated.

You may want to also post in the reconciliation forum if you want different opinions.

tesla posted 4/25/2013 19:32 PM

You know what my ex-shat said to me a week after D-day when we had 'the talk'? He said that he was a fuck-up, that he didn't know what to do, that he had failed as a husband. You know what he never said...that he wanted to fix it. You know what else he never said...that he wanted to end it.

I know that you didn't want any of this...and you sure as hell don't want to make the decision as you didn't do anything to warrant even considering a divorce decision. But at the end of the day...what are his actions telling you?

Fuck his words.
Fuck his confusion, indecision...whatever.

If you are giving him time to decide if he wants to reconcile, you need to NC and 180 his ass so he gets a picture of what life without you is like. Do not let that mother-fucker cake-eat.

I should tell you, I swear a lot, but mean all this in a gentle way...cake-eaters just really piss me off.


permanentpain posted 4/25/2013 19:39 PM

Wow Tesla, apparently your ex-shat has a Latin twin that said the same crap. I guess its part of douchebag 101...

meplustwo posted 4/26/2013 14:00 PM

Thanks Tesla! I think I will 180 him and NC as well. Any ideas of what to do when I get that urge to contact him, cause those feelings are pretty intense!

tesla posted 4/26/2013 15:56 PM

Post here.
Go out for a walk/run/kick-boxing class.
Call a friend IRL.
Bake a pie (but keep the bakery closed).
Mow the lawn.
Dig a hole.
Hit a spin class.
Journal a list of reminders of why he is a piece of shit.
Pop the heads off some dandelions.
Pet the dog.
Anything...just remember NC means no new hurts!

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