Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Questiounanswere (45696)

User Topic: Confronting Tomorrow. Could use advice
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the second time around the block, had false R since the end of 2008 when he cheated with an OW that didn't know he was married. Found out last week he made a child in 2008 I was never told about with a different OW who I knew. He's been out of town and I've been snooping cause he came home late a couple of times in the last few months. Have now found evidence of a new affair with phone calls/texts late at night, high restaurant charges, and 2 hotels when he stayed out late. Didn't need more and met with a lawyer to work on divorce because we discussed that's what would happen the next time.

The problem is I make more than him and we have a precious 9 month old . He can make my lifesaver able through joint custody, alimony, and not letting me go back to SoCal where my family is. So I need to tread gently. I am dreading contacting OW (who i know by phone # and voicemail only) but it would squash his denials dead if she didn't know like the last OW who told me everything. Now since they were doing hotels and stuff she may know, so I don't want to contact her too early and have her deny and warn him. Is the best plan to try and call her while he's in his post airplane shower (preferably with his phone if I can swipe it) or should I only suggest it during the conversation if he denies? I would want her to know if she doesn't know but maybe more importantly I don't want him to get angry and make my life harder than it already is. I want him to feel guilty enough to let me move away with the baby to my family (he works from home and we've talked about going to socal where family is but originally came up here for his previous job) and not pay alimony.

The conversation with OW last time tore me up and when I confronted him he shut down and denied. He won't be able to deny the OC (have court papers!) or the unexplainable hotel charges so I have enough without her. My stomach is in knots trying to figure out how to play this. What do you all think?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you need to confront? Couldn't you simply have the divorce papers prepared & have him served?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9999 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the OW's account really matter? I wouldn't bother contacting her.

I would let him know a small part of what you know, not all, and not how. I would just keep repeating that "you know".

You do, by the way. I would move forward with the D and 180 if he tries to deny or blame shift or gaslight.

I am not sure about alimony. You may still have to pay unless it is a fault state. Have you discussed with a lawyer? Can he stop you from going back to So Cal? and what did he say about alimony?

If it is a fault state, you may want to get proof from a PI that would be irrefutable.

Hugs, careerlady. FTG!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fault state. He has to request alimony, it can be waived. Because we have a child and he doesn't beat us it's automatically joint custody which means I have to share the baby and can't leave town with the baby without his permission.

If I just slap him with papers he could get angry and make things hard, if I wait we can do mediation and I might get some or all of what I want. But if he denies and avoids I will just file and if he doesn't respond in 30 days I get what I want by default.

The lawyer says if I take him to court to move the fight will cost at least $50,000!!!!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
stretch13
♀ 26894
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have enough without her.

let it go. it's a potential bees nest of drama. you have what you need. buckle down and proceed.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for you. But I agree with the others. Why contact her? What good will that do you? So you might discover more gory details/lies? You know enough. You have been here before (((heavy sigh and sending hugs))) so you know that he isn't going to change.

If possible, I say possible, because it would be extemely hard...but walking away without a word would completely dumbfound him. By NOT getting upset and creating the drama he obviously craves you are sending such a greater message.

I do understand, however, if you need to/want to rip him a new one. TOTALLY understandable.

Silence is golden.

Good luck and stay strong. You and your son deserve better than this toxic, selfish human being. Sorry but you do.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Apr 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you need to confront? Couldn't you simply have the divorce papers prepared & have him served?

I agree with this. He's done it before twice and now he's doing it again. I don't think he's capable of not.

I wouldn't even bother with the OW. It will just cause unnecessary drama. You have the proof and evidence you need to file for divorce. If you cannot put up with his cheating, which I think he will continue, then this is what you need to do.

x


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
stretch13
♀ 26894
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but walking away without a word would completely dumbfound him. By NOT getting upset and creating the drama he obviously craves you are sending such a greater message.

if i could wish anything for you and on your STBX, it's that you could pull this off.

it would absolutely madden him. it's brilliant.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much ladies. Contacting OW was the part I didn't want to do. I guess I felt guilty in case she was innocent.

Now I can just calmly sit down and ask for divorce instead of doing more things to hurt myself and potentially anger him.
I wish I could just move out but then I'm liable for rent and his revenge. My priority right now is starting a new life with my baby.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Stretch.

Pull the rug right out from under him.

Who cares about the OW? She probably isn't innocent, but what if she is? Are you going to try to warn every woman he comes into contact with?

Think of you. I think you know what you need to do. Make that process as painless as you possibly can for yourself.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
stretch13
♀ 26894
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((careerlady & little bitty mr. careerlady))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
circlingthedrain
♂ 25733
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just a thought....Can you go to SoCal before you file ?

Can you tell him you're moving there and he can join you in 6 months. He'll jump at the chance to be left alone with his AP. Go to Calif. and file there.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity

What about moving in with family while you look for a job & get rent/a place to live straightened out? I'm sure they'll take you in even if you have to camp out in the living room for a while. You could plead family emergency (which it is... YOUR family emergency), wait 30-60 days (for CA residency) with his expectation that he'll be moving to join you, then file? Just kinda brainstorming here. What a turd he is for having a child with another woman, hiding it from you, and having another affair -- basically a multi-year false R! Grrrrr.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe ask your lawyer about it, careerlady. You "need some time" you "need to think about it"--and stay with your parents and file there. It's worth asking about.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
redrock
♀ 21538
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I confronted him he shut down and denied

I would assume that he will deny and lie just as he has always done in the past. He tipped you off about OC and then let you dig the truth out yourself rather than man up and tell you himself.

I would expect the same brand of stonewalling, lying and avoiding whatever he can. Do not expect the relief of closure or understanding or even admission. I don't think this coward has it in him.

You don't need him to confirm what you know. He is cheating. Be calm. Do not start questioning yourself when he puts on the innocent act. Or his victim hat. Or his mainipulation sweatpants. They are all coming. Do not doubt it. Perhaps even a suicide threat. If he does that- call the cops and report it. Do not waste time comforting and helping him.

I would be tempted to look at his phone if it is available. Just to see if there is anything on there that he is too dumb to delete. Not sure if it is at all helpful to look.

However, I think he knows he tipped you off about the OC and may be expecting a confrontation.

He may have everything scrubbed. Or he may have created a whole story while away to explain away OC and even his new OW(maybe he met with lawyers late at night in hotel rooms in a desparate attempt to protect and keep from hurting you)... Be prepared for anything at this point.

If it is not a question of salvaging the relationship, then at this point it is all about negotiating for your priorities like going home to SoCal.

Being able to be 'nice' until you get your take aways is worth all of the self control that it will take to maintain them. Think about it as faking it till you make it. You do not need to show your authentic self to this idiot.

I tend to think that if you know he is cheating that you use the OC as your final dealbreaker rather than starting and getting wrapped up in the final cheating debate.

But that is up to you and whatever your lawyer advised. Hang in there. Use every ounce of strength you have with him and then come here and dump your heartbreak and pain out on the board. I have a feeling you find more empathy and understanding with us than with Mr. head in the sand.

We are all pullling for you.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all,

I need to make sure I maintain a job so moving to southern cali without a clear and permanent plan is out of the question. my job up here in N cali is very stable and lucrative so it would be foolish of me.

Just got around to looking back in the phone records and the old credit card statements. Looks like he first texted her on the day he found out he lost his court case and had dinner with her 2 days later. The hotel was 4 days later so she's a total slut.
That is when he first has suspicious behaviour as well
Not that it changes my decision but it's almost comforting to know he probably wasn't doing anything until he lost the court case. Probably gave up on us and figured I wouldn't forgive. Sad thing is if he'd come to me openly and continued to treat me right I probably would have. Oh well.

He was talking to me on the phone last night as if everything was fine. If he makes his flight tonight I will tell him it's over and come back on to report how it went. I can't wait!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
ineedtoleave
♀ 29332
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you some MOJO (((careerlady))) !!!


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
tabitha95
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW lied and lied and lied to me.

Just because the first OW talked to you (probably because she was angry to find out he was married) doesn't mean that this OW will talk or if she does, be honest. It sounds like she may know he's M if they only get together in hotels.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 43
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.