I have not posted on here for about two months now and there is no real reason why I just havent. Ive been trying to recover from loosing the best thing I had in my life with was my BG. A lot of things have happened since I last posted on here.....
Right before my last post I sent her a video for Vday and it was a good video. I am a musician so I played for her and sent her a message pretty much saying how much I miss her and think about her daily (keep in mind we had NC for about a month-she needed her space to think about stuff) well a couple of days after I sent her the video all hell broke loose.
She had never ever talked to me the way she did and this went on for about 3 days and each conversation was about 3-4 hours long. The sucky part about it is that it wasnt even through phone or in person, it was through email and all these conversations started around 3am Im guessing right when she got home from spending time with her new man.
She told me how much of a piece of shit of a human being I am, how sorry she feels for the next person that I get with because I will probably cheat on her too and fuck her over like I did her, that I will most likely die alone and never be happy because I dont deserve it. She even went on to say that I am so unprofessional in life that she would not be surprised if she hears that I ended up doing something with one of my female students (im a teacher). Right when she said that I had enough.
Keep in mind that throughout all these conversations I never argued with her. All I did was apologize over and over and agree with everything she said. She even went to tell me about her new man she started talking to that she met at work and that he makes her smile and gives her butterflies in her stomach.
When she said the comment about me being with a student I finally told her "you know what, I also good with not hearing from you" even though that wasnt true. After I said that she calmed down drastically and just simply told me "it hurts to hear from you...it hurts talking to you" And all I said was "I will respect your wishes".
I know that I messed up and Im not putting any excuses outhere but for her to say that about me being with a minor is complete BULL!!! I wouldnt even wish that on my worst enemy!! I know shes mad and hurt beyond belief but to say that in my opinion was too much.
Now fast forward another month or so.....
If you read my profile you will know my entire story but simply- my reason for cheating was revenge. Her and my good friend apparently went out to the movies and I found out about it 2 months later so I thought the worst happened and I decided to get her back and well it was confirmed by both later on that absolutely nothing happened. Well this "friend", in my heart after a while I forgave him (hes a musician as well) well I even ended up being a part of a latin band which he is in but recently I have speculations that he might be wanting to get with my EX. I wont make a list of specualtions on this post because its long enough already but trust me they are pretty legit. I am still currently in the latin band with him and everytime I see him text or on the phone I honestly think he is talking to her. BTW, his little brother is my Godson. He has been known to get with his friend EX's in the past so there is nothing stopping him from doing it to me.
Me and him had little talk about what happened bewtween me and my EX before and I told him that even though there is no excuse for my actions whenever I look at him now I think "If it wasnt for you non of this would of happened". I know that Im completely wrong and stupid for thinking that but sometimes I cant help it. I also told him that if he ever tried anything with her I would pretty much kick the crap out of him. I could be very very wrong and just over thinking things but one thing is for sure that this guy does talk to my EX's sister quite often so there is a chance for him to have contact with my EX.
I am thinking about quitting the band soon so I dont have to see him because I am afraid that one of these day I wont be able to take it anymore and I will explode.
As for me.... I am taking life day by day and some days are harder than others but I am hanging in there. Going to the gym almost daily really helps. I am in the best shape of my life but still feel soo unattractive. I ve have a few dates here and there but just not ready i guess. She is still on my mind and I still love her dearly. I know that this pain will one day go away I just wish I knew when.....
Thanks for reading this long long post. Any comments are welcome. Glad to be back!
Nice to see you back, but sorry about all the drama.
NC = no new hurts. That goes for everyone who is in a NC situation. The words she was saying had probably been pent up for a long time. That stuff needs to come out, or it will slowly eat a person away from the inside. Was the "minor" comment necessary? No, but it came out because these emotions have had no outlet, so they sat and festered, and any conversation at 3:00am is going to be emotionally charged.
The Latin band guy should not be your concern. You're choosing to create that drama yourself. Which kind of brings up the email conversations with your X. You went along with everything she said up to a point, then you put your foot down and manipulated her into apologizing for what she said. (don't know if she actually apologized or not, but saying that you turned the situation back on her)
So, your X and a friend went to the movies without telling you. They both said nothing happened. Do you believe them? If you believe them, then how do your view your RA? Can it still be considered an RA? There are plenty of folks who were cheated on, with proof, who haven't had RA's. So what was it about you that made you choose to do that?
Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it-didnt think anyone would reply because of the post being that long. :)
When I put my foot down she didnt really apologize she just changed her tone of writing (if that makes sense) and was not insulting me anymore and just speaking from the heart. Maybe she never thought that I would say and have the courange to say enough.
I think youre right about her emotions being pent up and she just exploded on me. After I told her enough is enough and our conversation ended I felt some kind of weight lifted from me. Dont get me wrong, my feelings towards her didnt change or anything-it was weird.
I did not believe them at the time I found out about them going out so when I found out that they spent time together without me knowing I thought the worst. I thought that they had something going on and the person I used to be was a very angry, revengful, grouchy grouchy individual and all I wanted to do is make her feel my pain. Its no excuse for what I did and I know it was wrong but that was my logic and it was a stupid logic.
Now, I have changed dramatically and even my students see it and have told me that I have changed a lot and that makes me feel good I just wish that she could of seen that. I wish that I would have believed them and forgive and forget but I was too much of a messed up person to do that.
With the loss of your relationship with your X, did the anger go away? Seems that you still have some emotions, but possible that your X hasn't been able to do the work she needs to do to heal herself? That would seem to be a potential hazard for the BS who goes NC. They can go NC, but without the work, they aren't going to heal, even if NC is for self-protection from the pain of infidelity.
That freeing feeling may have just been a moment of acceptance for you. I've had a couple of situations where for whatever reason, I've felt a lightening of whatever seems to be pressing down on me. I can't think of the phrase I've used in the past, but it is just a moment of "This is where I'm at, and I'm okay with that." It's a moment of surrender. Those moments are really helpful to remember and to use as motivation for becoming your new self.
I know in my mind I justified my bad actions based on my spouses bad actions, but that really isn't a reason is it? For me it was an excuse to proceed on with my own poor behavior making it a self fulfilling prophecy. Hope you plan on digging deeper. Good luck
I think you're right, I think it was an excuse for me to keep on being the messed up person I was before the A. I've changed soo much since the A and have improved on so many things and know that I will not make the same mistake again wether its with her or someone else. I know that I still have a lot to work on and I will continue to work and work and that is a promise.
[This message edited by bluerondo at 11:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]