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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

User Topic: Advice needed please
hurting7897
♀ 34761
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are just past the one-year mark of d-day #3. We've been riding the rollercoaster and have had more highs than lows.

Until this last week. A trigger discussed with my IC has caused a huge wedge between my FWH and I. Somehow it's turned from a trigger to a belief of his that I will never forgive him and this is just another example of me holding onto the past. He has been remorseful and doing all the "right" things for a year now so why don't I feel like I'm ready to forgive him? Do I have to forgive him? I see his impatience and wanting me to "move forward" but I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. Not get angry when there's a trigger? Some I can deal with alone and get over fairly quickly and others make me realize I haven't really dealt with them but rug-swept.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm so upset I can't think straight. I thought we were doing fine, the usual ups and downs of the rollercoaster but now I'm starting to think he's right, what he's done is just too egregious for me to ever forgive. How do I know when to give up? I want my marriage to work but I cannot stuff my feelings down.

We have MC today and I need to help before we go.

Thank you.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're only a year out from dday#3..15 months out from dday#1..it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. So why would he..or you...expect you to be further along? You will heal when you are healed. Not in his time frame.

I think it's unfair that your WH is making you feel this way. First, forgiveness is yours to give,if you feel you can/want to. He has no right to expect it,IMO.

Im sorry you're so upset.


(((((hurting7897)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat sometimes. And, I'm only a week from last DDay!! WH tells me I'm CHOOSING to be negative!! I told him he's crazy and HE DID THIS to us/me.

But, I agree with others, YOU SAY when you're done...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a firm believer that trust and forgiveness are conditional. It is up to you to determine if you can forgive him. For me it goes in waves. Somedays I am forgiving and trusting and somedays I am not. It typically depends on the situation, my mood and how much hurt I have. I will tell you I have forgiven her more now than I did before. I think I am working mostly on acceptance. For myself accepting this happened and it is my reality will do me and my WW more good than the words "I Forgive You" How can you forgive something you can't accept. I came across an interesting book. I haven't read it but heard it was good. You may want to read up on it. "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To"


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
hurting7897
♀ 34761
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
ungracie
♀ 31901
Member # 31901
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to let go of any pretense that forgiveness was in my near future.

I worked on acceptance. It was something that I could do alone.

Forgiveness, genuine forgiveness...for me...involves the offending party. It will be in my husbands actions that forgiveness will take bloom.


Me:50BS
married 26 years
together for 29 years
DDay:04/12/10 EA/PA
Working at R

The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.
Ben Okri


Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 6

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