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hurting7897 posted 4/25/2013 12:43 PM

We are just past the one-year mark of d-day #3. We've been riding the rollercoaster and have had more highs than lows.

Until this last week. A trigger discussed with my IC has caused a huge wedge between my FWH and I. Somehow it's turned from a trigger to a belief of his that I will never forgive him and this is just another example of me holding onto the past. He has been remorseful and doing all the "right" things for a year now so why don't I feel like I'm ready to forgive him? Do I have to forgive him? I see his impatience and wanting me to "move forward" but I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. Not get angry when there's a trigger? Some I can deal with alone and get over fairly quickly and others make me realize I haven't really dealt with them but rug-swept.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm so upset I can't think straight. I thought we were doing fine, the usual ups and downs of the rollercoaster but now I'm starting to think he's right, what he's done is just too egregious for me to ever forgive. How do I know when to give up? I want my marriage to work but I cannot stuff my feelings down.

We have MC today and I need to help before we go.

Thank you.

confused615 posted 4/25/2013 12:50 PM

You're only a year out from dday#3..15 months out from dday#1..it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. So why would he..or you...expect you to be further along? You will heal when you are healed. Not in his time frame.

I think it's unfair that your WH is making you feel this way. First, forgiveness is yours to give,if you feel you can/want to. He has no right to expect it,IMO.

Im sorry you're so upset.

(((((hurting7897)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

libertyrocks posted 4/25/2013 12:58 PM

I'm in the same boat sometimes. And, I'm only a week from last DDay!! WH tells me I'm CHOOSING to be negative!! I told him he's crazy and HE DID THIS to us/me.

But, I agree with others, YOU SAY when you're done...

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/25/2013 13:12 PM

I am a firm believer that trust and forgiveness are conditional. It is up to you to determine if you can forgive him. For me it goes in waves. Somedays I am forgiving and trusting and somedays I am not. It typically depends on the situation, my mood and how much hurt I have. I will tell you I have forgiven her more now than I did before. I think I am working mostly on acceptance. For myself accepting this happened and it is my reality will do me and my WW more good than the words "I Forgive You" How can you forgive something you can't accept. I came across an interesting book. I haven't read it but heard it was good. You may want to read up on it. "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To"

hurting7897 posted 4/25/2013 15:18 PM

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them.

ungracie posted 4/25/2013 17:28 PM

I needed to let go of any pretense that forgiveness was in my near future.

I worked on acceptance. It was something that I could do alone.

Forgiveness, genuine forgiveness...for me...involves the offending party. It will be in my husbands actions that forgiveness will take bloom.