Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

In house separation?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

hurtmotherof2 posted 4/25/2013 13:03 PM

What does this mean anyway?? My WH and I are sleeping in separate rooms because i've hit a brick wall and decided I just dont know if i want to be in the marriage anymore. Told him I needed my space to think things through..His A was 3 years ago and i've been doing all i can to stay strong and hold our marriage together but i just can't do it anymore. Going to IC and he suggested that we stay in separate rooms until I figure everything out even though i just want to pick up, take my little boys and go

tryingagain74 posted 4/25/2013 13:32 PM

Well, what it meant for me was that we slept apart and did as much as we could apart (except for dinner-- we ate with the kids so that everything still appeared "normal"). Otherwise, we were literally like two ships passing in the night.

However, during that time, we were also taking active steps to end the marriage, and I was a fanatic about looking for a house. We met with a mediation attorney and then had long, uncomfortable conversations about custody and asset division so that we could spend as little on the lawyer as possible.

Here's the other thing-- STBX continued to pay for everything while my paycheck went into my own bank account so that I could save it up. Because of that, I still did his laundry, bought what he wanted from the grocery store, cooked dinner for him, etc. I only did those things because he was paying for all of the attorneys' fees, food, housing, kids' needs, anything I wanted (like the new wallet and purse I bought for myself, thank you very much). We agreed upon that arrangement, but that doesn't work for everyone. If your WH is messing with the money or being otherwise unhelpful, he should be doing his own laundry, shopping, and cooking.

The important thing to note is that if you've realized that the A was a dealbreaker, and you're done, then you need to be using this time to take steps to end things. You need to visit a lawyer and see what you're entitled to. I won't even mention anything else-- just take this first step. Even if you never file, at least you've been informed of what your options are. If you do find that you want to file, then you've gotten the ball rolling toward a D.


Shockleader posted 4/25/2013 13:38 PM

It can be very, very hard, especially as my situation was with a VERY HOSTILE WW. She used it as a red herring opportunity to drum up fake fights, telling DD in full histrionic, parental alienation rage:

"see, this is why and how your dad drives me from our home"

Then storm out with theatrical acumen Hollywood would envy, just so she could run to the OPOS adultery nest making me the "bad guy", and be gone for a few days of wearing out her crotch. Total gaslighting, lying B.S., but that was how it was for this lying whore.

So glad to be out of that mess, and hope very soon my D is settled. When you are done, you are done, and perhaps filing for D with a nice bit of alimony pendente lite could be a way to get the ball rolling? Even in the best of times with IHS, she would bitch if I engaged her, and bitch if I ignored her... There was no in between, I slept in my own bed for many months, and totally ignored her as best I could only cooking for me and DD, etc.

I truly wish you the best of luck, and hope your therapist knows what the hell they are talking about. So many play the "lets blame the BS", or make the BS do all the fixing, in an attempt to woo back the poor WS who's needs were not met. Again, pure bullshit!

phmh posted 4/25/2013 19:52 PM

In house separation was terrible and delayed my healing.

You mention "until you figure everything out" but also mention wanting to leave and take your kids.

How certain are you that divorce is the best option for you?

Personally, I am a big believer that we only get one life, and we should try to enjoy that one life as best we can.

If you are certain you want to divorce, my recommendation is to try to get truly separate homes as soon as possible so you can really begin detaching and healing.

When I was in house separated, I knew when he'd stay out and come home late, I'd try to check his phone when he was out running, I kept up a sliver of hope that the man I'd loved for 13 years was somewhere in there and would come back to me.

Once I was in my own apartment, I had the space I really needed to heal.

I truly believe that in house separation is a special kind of hell and should be avoided at all costs. (And Tryingagain is my in house separation hero as I have no idea how she [you] lasted so long while maintaining sanity!)

Is your counselor a "save the marriage at all costs" kind of counselor, or does s/he try to achieve the best outcome for you? I credit my divorce counselor for helping me over the last humps of resisting his reconciliation attempts.

hurtmotherof2 posted 4/26/2013 14:10 PM

Thank you trying & shock for your thoughts.. i really appreciate them.. Phmh, the way i'm feeling right now is that i want to leave but i'm truly scared of the outcome of how it will affect our 7 & 9 yr old sons. My IC is the type that wants to help me out regardless of the decision that I make. I feel like if i decide to stay it will be soley out of guilt only because of the boys and i know that's not a healthy marriage to be in.
Everyone i talk to including my IC tells me i need to do what is best for me but then i'm being called selfish by WH because i'm almost out the door and i'll be destroying our family.. Even though he destroyed it 3 years ago with his A..

7yrsflushed posted 4/26/2013 14:53 PM

I have 2 more months to go on my prison sentence at least that's what it feels like. My WW isn't as bad as some of the stories I have heard but being in the same house with someone after you have detached DOES delay your healing. I have 2 children around the same age as your hurtmotherof2 and we are cordial to each other but it is tough. My seperation agreement is in place but my WW won't be moving out until July.

I am on the other side of the spectrum from Shockleader. My WW thinks or thought I was going to be best friends with her. She had a 3 yr LTA and previous A several years prior and I am supposed to still be her best friend helping her pick out stuff for her new house and chatting it up all the time. Not going to happen. So while we are cordial for the kids I just get irritated because while she is no longer in her A fantasy world she is in her moving out and remaining best friends fantasy which I am having none of. To this day SHE is pissed with me because "I" don't talk to her. I wonder why...must be nice in the land of no consequences.

We are able to be civil for the kids but I am literally counting the days and now that I have a light at the end it seems to be taking forever. I do my own laundry, cook my own food even though she still cooks for the kids. We pretty much do our own thing and glare at each other when the kids aren't around. It sucks and the bad part is my year of seperation doesn't officially begin until she moves out.

in my state there are soem speicifi things you avhe to follow to do legal in-house seperation. The lawyer said it wasn't even worth doing if my WW was going to move out. She suggested just waiting till she moved out to start the clock if we coudl manage. We chose to do this so the move would fall during the summer months so the kids could try to start adjusting to us being apart and the weekly shuffling without having to worry about school for a few months.

See a lawyer to figure out what your options are. Your WH was the selfish one and he destroyed your family with his A. Do what you feel you need to do. Don't let him lay the guilt trip on you. He was the one that messed up not you. He may also be trying to convince you not to leave so he doesn't have to pay for child support and spousal support.

tryingagain74 posted 4/26/2013 18:06 PM

You definitely don't want to stay for the children. My children would have grown up watching me make their father pay for his sins. The best way for me to move past something is to cut it loose and move on. Now, my kids have a shot at growing up in a healthy environment instead of an infected, festering one where the relationship modeled to them is one of hostility and passive aggression.

I hope that your IC helps. You've certainly given your WH a very generous chance at R. Don't beat yourself up if this is a dealbreaker for you.

phmh posted 4/26/2013 19:30 PM

Phmh, the way i'm feeling right now is that i want to leave but i'm truly scared of the outcome of how it will affect our 7 & 9 yr old sons.

An oft-repeated saying is that it's far better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home.

Kids are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for. Tryingagain hit the nail on the head -- you don't want them to think that what you're modelling for them is normal or what they should strive for. If your husband is calling you selfish for thinking about leaving (even if he doesn't say it in front of the kids) it is almost certain that your kids are feeling the contempt he has for you. If he were serious about R and becoming the partner you need, and the dad his kids need, he wouldn't even think of saying such a thing to you.

I know it's a tough decision, and only you can make it, but think about the impact that staying has on the kids as well. When I cared enough to think about it, I used to wonder if my XWH would have cheated had his parents divorced and his father modeled a good relationship for him, instead of staying in their dysfunctional marriage filled with abuse, felonies, and hate.


PhoenixRisen posted 4/26/2013 19:49 PM

You definitely don't want to stay for the children

ditto tryingagain.

That was actually what made me file. Ex began making his typically comments (belittling me or comments about other women as sexual objects) in front of our children. It made me sick. I had been tolerating that abuse on my own but I drew my line with out kids. Its best the children grow up without observing a dysfunctional marriage.

our in house was totally separate live while we got our children prepared for the separation ironed out our finances and organized our new two parent household.

hurtmotherof2 posted 4/27/2013 18:49 PM

thank you again everyone for your advice and thoughts.. i really appreciate them all. I think my biggest fault is weakness at this point. I tried leaving for the weekend just to clear my head but my guily of leaving the boys got the best of me.. How am i going to make the final move if i can't even leave for the weekend? struggling so so so hard!!!!!!

PurpleRose posted 4/27/2013 23:16 PM

How am i going to make the final move if i can't even leave for the weekend? struggling so so so hard!!!!!!

one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. You can, and you will! :)

Safeguard posted 4/27/2013 23:32 PM

You can't live a lie forever. It wears on you. I did the in house gig. It was awful. Can't really "live" authentically.

Three yrs?! wow.

What has been going on in those long yrs, that has not allowed you to heal?


hurtmotherof2 posted 4/29/2013 08:16 AM

Safeguard, in the last few months he has went out with friends and obtained another woman's phone # then threatened to use it if i didnt give him sex.. then he went behind my back and went to a strip club while I was out with friends.. He doesnt understand that these things he has done brought back alot of hurt feelings and betrayal from the A..

npain posted 4/29/2013 11:57 AM

THREE years! I did in-house seperation for 5 months and I wanted to murder him EVERY MINUTE we were in the house together. He was a complete asshole on wheels.

I didn't even begin to heal until I told him he HAD to move out (I have the kids). Wouldn't repeat that mess for anything. Please get out.

amiready posted 4/30/2013 08:12 AM

I am glad to have found this thread. I finally told my WH that I just didn't know if/how I was going to make it being with him as I was more suspicious than ever and I don't feel like he is following through on anything to help the situation. I kicked him out for 6 weeks after DD and then let him come back to try and work it out. I am thinking about asking him to sleep in a separate room again as I try to figure things out... I feel like this will unleash hell in my house, but I guess I am already living in it as I don't want to be near him... I know he is going to call me selfish, but I think at this point, he needs to see that I am serious and that I am leaning towards permanent separation. This doesn't seem like an ideal situation, but from this thread it seems like people have done it to try and figure things out. again thanks to SI, this has been a saving grace for me during this whole ordeal..

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy