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Forced To Accept the Other Woman and her child

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ForcedToAccept posted 4/25/2013 13:06 PM

It’s been a little over a month since D-Day. The day I found out that my husband of almost 5 years and father of my three year old daughter, just might have fathered this 5 month old little girl that this woman contacted me in regards to.

Makes your stomach drop, just thinking about it, doesn’t it? If you’ve ever discovered that your husband, the one you have given your everything to, built a life for and around, fathered another woman’s child, you know what I mean. That child that was supposed to be my second child, his sperm was supposed to create only for me! I felt so robbed of my future. How could he do this to me? His wife, ten years younger than himself at the age of 22, wasn’t worthy enough to be thought about during an extramarital affair with a woman at the age of almost forty, and being 100lbs bigger than I, to even stop and think about birth control? I was so shocked to discover that the man I devoted my everything to had such lack of control. Buh.
Now that I’ve put my drowning emotions aside and have taken the forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding path, I am having trouble accepting the fact that this other woman is going to be in my life for quite some time. I know I need to forgive her, but in all honesty, I feel like I am just trying to accept her and this child into my life to “show” her that she is not worth a failed marriage, that she is not worth what she says she is to him. We had a few confrontations, where she popped off all sorts of lies about him having 9-10 orgasms per day by her, etc. She also decided to call us all sorts of names, like loser parents, white trash, etc. I love children, I feel I could love her child greatly—I already love his other child from a previous relationship. She is as innocent as I am, how could I not love her? But this woman is not. She knew my husband was mine. She knew us. She even confessed to me that she pursued him to great and desperate extent (I know my husband isn’t innocent either, please don’t bash me for being “blind”, I am not and know very well who is the one who should be held responsible for this act). I just don’t know how I could ever truly forgive her, rather than only wanting to flaunt that “I won” (even though there was really no competition, he ended the affair before she told him about the pregnancy and there was no doubt that he struggled with this guilt for quite some time). I need help on reasons why I should forgive this woman, in order to live my life happily with my “new” family.

Thank you for all opinions, thoughts, and concerns.


lieshurt posted 4/25/2013 13:08 PM

Has a paternity test been done?

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/25/2013 14:05 PM

You're not being 'forced' to do anything, sweetie.

You're choosing.

It's ultimately YOUR decision whether you choose to stay in the dysfunction these two irresponsible imbeciles have forced upon you. I get the sneaking suspicion she tried to get pregnant because her biological clock was starting to tick loudly. Dumbass.

You're too young to be at war with someone who had no place in your life at ALL and now seems to be firmly planted right in the center of it.

IF she hasn't yet filed for child support, I suggest you get to family court IMMEDIATELY and make the first child support claim. Any subsequent claims are figured on his salary that's left AFTER existing child support orders.

Dreamheart posted 4/25/2013 14:21 PM

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation at the moment. I've been with my H for 19 years and been married for 15. We have a 14 years old daughter and a son who is 12. We were at a point where I thought everything was going well financially and with the marriage. In fact people admired our love.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. H tells me he has had a kid with someone, he's so remorseful an scared of losing me blah blah blah.
My world is shattered, I can't eat. I can't sleep. The painful part is I still love my husband. He claims it's over with The OW.
How do I handle this complication of a child who is a contant reminder of the betrayal? I know he's innocent but the OW knew very well what she was doing. She told my H that if he wasn't going to marry her then she wanted something of his to keep, ie the child. She is 27 and 11 years my junior. H is 50. Why she would jeopardize her future like this is beyond me!
Please help me move forward.

lost_in_toronto posted 4/25/2013 14:27 PM


I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are dealing with, while also trying to adjust your picture of the future to include the OW and OC. I am so sorry.

There is a thread in the I Can Relate Forum that deals with children of affairs and the ramifications. There are some veteran members here who have been dealing with this situation - in many different ways - and can offer a lot of advice. Head down there and introduce yourself. And I'm sure members with more experience in this area will be along soon.

And I echo lieshurt - there has been a paternity test, right?

Good luck.

NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 18:50 PM

If you choose to forgive OW - remember, you forgive for YOU not forgive because you're tired of holding onto the hate and vengeance. But you do not have to forgive. I'm 8 months out and I will not forgive her. My hate keeps me warm. Now if she were ever remorseful, or asked for forgiveness, I might be able to do that...

Has there been a paternity test?

homewrecked2011 posted 4/25/2013 20:43 PM

Ahhh here's something my friend did as terms of R when her H had a child with OW:

She told her WH that she and their children were not going to do without and that HIS paycheck was going to continue coming home. He, however, would have to get a 2nd job to pay for child support to OW for the OC.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

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