So, where I left off I was late February, when I was still living with friends, we had begun MC, and I still had hoped for R. You may recall that D-Day happened literally days after we had booked a trip to Hawaii to visit my sister, who lives there. There was quite a bit of drama over whether she was going on the trip or not. Once SHE made me decide for her that she wasn't going, there was a whole ordeal with me having to do the legwork involved in finding out if her ticket was refundable. It wasn't.
So I went to Hawaii in March and had an absolutely amazing time. Not only that, but my sister and her boyfriend made a full court press trying to convince me to move there. I could feel the stress slowly leaving my body over the week I spent there, and the people were absolutely amazing. Friendly. As someone who's lived in Boston for the last 21 years, this was a welcome and shocking change. ;-) So I really started thinking about the possibility of moving there, and decided to give myself a deadline. Our lease is up on our apartment in September, and I decided that if I hadn't seen things going the direction I needed them to, I would break the news to her that it was over in June, and move to Hawaii. My sister says she's more than willing to let me stay with them for a while until I can find a place of my own. I could more than likely continue to do my current job from there, as I largely work remotely as it is. My sister's boyfriend also seems quite confident that he could find me work as well. All the pieces seemed to be coming together... it was hard to ignore.
So, as the plane is leaving Honolulu to head back to LA, I jokingly text my sister "Do I really have to leave?" She says "Now's your chance! ". The plane takes off, and an hour into the flight, someone unfortunately got very ill, and we had to turn around and head back!! Then, the next morning, on my flight to Boston, I'm flipping through all the TV channels on the plane, out of all the movies in the world to be on, right then... it was "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Which is a film about a bad breakup, and finding love again IN HAWAII. I literally said "Really, universe? It seems you're trying to tell me something.
So back to reality in Boston. I hadn't decided until I got home whether or not I was going to try moving back in, or going back to stay with friends. I decided to give moving back in a shot. Which has been pretty difficult at times.
All the while during MC, at no point did she actually take ownership of the A, and continued to blameshift, deflect, and employ all the usual denial. Oh sure, she said the WORDS about taking ownership for her actions and decisions, but the emotions and actions never matched the words. We got into some of the meat of the problems with our M, and I was absolutely open to admitting some of the very real communication issues we have, and some other issues I have that adversely affected our M. But she continued to try to shift the focus to me, and the "things I did that were a contributing factor" to her having a 5 month long A with her coworker. She has still absolutely refused to consider leaving her job. Nor have her absolutely insane hours abated in any way. Just this Tuesday, she was at work from 8 AM to 2 AM. When she's not physically AT work, she's at home on conference calls. Her precious job continues to dominate every aspect of our lives, and her consciousness, leaving little room for R.
Even the M counselor finally came around to seeing the total disconnect between her words, and her emotions and actions.
So fast forward to last Friday. We live about 6 miles away from Watertown, MA. As you all know, basically the entire city was on red alert/lockdown while they searched for the suspects. I woke up that morning, and was watching the news, I said that there were things that I had seen before I went to bed that didn't seem to make sense in light of what the news was now reporting. She proceeded to get VERY angry with me and start a fight... AS SHE GOT READY FOR WORK. I asked her what could POSSIBLY be so important that she just HAD to be there today. She said she had two "presentations" to give. So we argued, and I finally said she should just go to f***ing work. then after she got texts from both her mother, father, and brother begging her not to leave, she magically decided to stay home. So that made an absolutely insane day even more tense.
This Sunday, based on some strange feeling I had, I checked her ipad, and I found in the sent messages an email to OM, with an IMDB link to the movie "Secretary", with a comment about "here's the movie I was telling you about". Now, if you haven't heard of this movie, it's a story of an intensely psychosexual relationship that develops between a man and his secretary.
At that point, I decided I could no longer stand the utter disrespect, clear violation of the (very loose) terms of NC that she had agreed to (since she refused actual NC, the parameters were "No personal contact outside of work, regarding anything other than work matters".
I told her last night that I can't do this anymore, and what I found. She immediately said I didn't have the "proper context" for that email, and kept pressing me on what "I can't do this" means. She of course made me say the words that I can't be in this marriage anymore the way it is. Undoubtedly so she can tell everyone that _I_ am the one that wants D.
We argued more, and she packed a bag, and left for a hotel.
Sorry for the novel, but so much has happened.
[This message edited by CuckoldedinMa at 1:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
It sounds like you had a wonderful time in Hawaii and can see an amazing future where you don't have to live with someone who treats you like dirt.
Down in the S/D forum we use "FTG" for "F*** That Guy." I think we should make a new one, FTB, for F*** That B****.
Lots of hugs to you. Her actions not matching her words is a huge flag, and I'm glad you and your counselor can see it for what it is. FTB..
Got a bad feeling she will try to talk you back in. Actions, not words! Your new credo in dealing with her!
Wow! Hawaii! Also rated one of the least stressful states to live in!
Undoubtedly so she can tell everyone that _I_ am the one that wants D.
My xWW forced me to make that decision and even worse made me explain to the kids what was happening knowing I wouldn't tell the young ones that their mom had boyfriend and totally disrespected the marriage. Anyway the point being she is just continuing her blame shifting. You just have to be with ok with your decision and nothing she says should matter.
Sending you mojo.
BTW Hawaii is just an awesome place.
First, I am glad you are safe. What went down in your town last week was utterly unbelievable. I was absolutely riveted by the coverage. How scary it must have been to be under siege!!!!
I am sorry to hear that your ww is still in the a. It sucks. She's deep in the fog and sounds like she has no desire to get out. It sucks, and I'm sorry.
The universe is definitely sending you clear signs, I agree. I have become a big believer in them. You may have an adjustment period to all that friendliness though It can be startling if you're not used to it.
Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.
Totally! We can start a club.
The "F%^$ the WW, I'm moving to Hawaii" Club...I like it!
It sounds like the best thing for you to do is move to Hawaii and start your NB away from your WW. It is the best way to accelerate the healing process with NC and distance. Your WW sounds like she is in no way trying to R with you and you can't do it by yourself no matter how hard you try. Sometimes it is better to just let them go.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter at all who decided to pull the plug. She will say what she wants to say no matter what you do, so don't waste any brain space on it.
Live your life. Find your peace (I typed that "beach" at first, subliminal much?). You deserve it.
1.5 days now, and not a word from her. Just a couple of Facebook posts of the martini she was drinking and the gelato she had for dinner.
We did, however, get a call from her mom, thanking her for the gift she had sent, and saying something about "I hope your weekend plans work out". She's probably driving to VA right now to see them. God only knows what ridiculous crap she's going to tell them, but like others have pointed out, I have no control over it.
Have a wonderful life in Hawaii, but before you go, enjoy outing the two of them at their job!
Well, we'll see about that. That will depend on her. If she decides to turn this into something even uglier than it already is, I'm not ruling it out.
I'm just hoping against hope that she can be an adult about this, and work together with me to make this as painless as possible.
I think your new beginning sounds just about perfect!
It sounds like you're making positive changes. I'm happy for you.
On a side note, if you need help carrying your bags to Hawaii, let me know. I'll take a Hawaii winter over a MA winter any day.
GO so I can live vicariously through you!