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As the date of my divorce "trial" draws near, my mind if simply falling apart. I cannot concentrate. Can't remember anything for shit. Can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't focus. Can't remember what friggin' day it is. Can't wake up when the alarm rings. I'll look at the clock and an hour or more has gone by and I can't account for WTF I've been doing. Not that I'm blacking out or anything, I just... I don't know. I have so much shit that needs to be done. So much. I feel completely overwhelmed. I walk around with tears in my eyes, not necessarily streaming down my cheeks, but just there blurring my vision. I have bills coming out the wahzoo, no friggin' job, and I feel like I'm unwillingly competing with Disney Dad who showers the kids with gifts & outings while I can't even pay for get them a new pair of shoes (again). I'm scared to death of facing STBX in court. I'm scared of seeing him, he scares me so much. I'm scared his nasty lawyer will say mean shit to me & make me cry. FNA, when I meet with my own lawyer I cry.

Fuck, I'm crying right now just typing about crying.

I just want to have a good cry and go to sleep.

ok, here's what i want you to do...stop right now, take 10 long slow deep breaths inhale slowly to a count of ten, exhale to a count of 15. Make yourself or go buy yourself a great cup of whatever your favorite drink is (probably non alcoholic is better) drink it slowly. get a refill if needed, write a list for all the reasons you are divorcing your pos, and remind yourself, hat you have a good attorney, who's paid to fight for you... You have tons of documentation, and lots of evidence, evaluations etc on your side... right now, it's time to try to let go of the out come, recenter yourself, and know that no matter what happens, it's not permanent, if you don't like it, you can go back in a period of time with even more documentation and evidence and get things changed. I'm holding you up in my prayers and thoughts, and want you to know, it's going to be ok. Focus on getting yourself into a calm focused state

Your post made me cry.

Now I'm going to go brew a cup of tea. While I cry.

I wish I could identify where these tears are coming from. Other than just being overwhelmed & scared because I have no money, not even to pay my lawyer.

Going to go brew that tea now...

(((NG))) I think the trial is the most terrifying thing in the world to me. I've tried to figure out why. It's because it's public, it will be humiliating, and the outcome is out of our control. (Even though it's hard for us to see this sometimes, you and I have had a lot of control over our situations for the past nearly two years - for example, our children are with us nearly all the time.)

I feel paralyzed by it all, so I completely understand your feelings right now.

(((A million hugs)))

Try to stop with those negative thoughts. Think of yourself as STRONG, SMART, TOUGH. That's who you really are, you just can't see it for all the negative stuff running through your mind.

As for the money, bills, etc. Make a list, pay what you can, make arrangements on the rest.

Are the shoes absolutely necessary right NOW? If not, let that go for now. You give your children love, shelter, safety, food - that's really all they need right now.

Don't give STBX your power. He cannot take it if you don't give it to him.

Sending you strength and peace.

NL

p.s. Set a certain amount of time and just cry your eyes out - get it all out and then take some deep breaths and start fresh. I used to cry in the shower - it was nice because no one can hear you and you are wet anyway.

I don't know why this is even going to trial. I don't know why we haven't been meeting & negotiating shit. Why is that? I thought when you got divorced you made offers & counter-offers 'n stuff like that. Like a business deal. I don't understand the purpose of a trial. I'm not divorcing him for cause, although Lord knows I could prove it! Actually I did prove it during the custody evaluation. So why are we going to trial? He isn't disputing the custody evaluation. Why can't we just put his list of assets (hundreds of thousands of dollars) next to mine (a couple thousand) and divvy it out to what's fair? Offer, counter offer, and be done. Right? What don't I understand?

Oh, yeah, the support shit. I guess that's part of it too. See? I can't remember anything.

Sipping tea, sipping, sipping, taking a breath...

NG, You've been through so much worse than this - you are going to make it through, you know you are.

Things happen to us when we've lived through horror. Some of us shut down and retreat from the world, others of us remain thinking, feeling human beings.

I have had stress reactions like this about things in my life too. Its like you go to Code Red straight away because you lived under Code Red for so long it becomes a reflex.

You should not have to see him. Its awful and horrible and stressful and it should NOT be this way but it will pass and there is an other side.

Whatever happens when its all over you will be out of this limbo and you'll know exactly where you stand. You will be able to steer your own ship knowing exactly what your position is financially.

You are not competing with that psycho. He is competing with you - he knows there is NO competition but that won't stop him trying. You are the loving, kind, present, interested, nurturing parent. You are the one they will want in their lives beyond childhood.

You've got this NG. Sending you mamma lion strength today. And more hugs than you can stand.

((((((((((NG)))))))))

(((Nature_Girl)))

It is okay to cry. This doesn't make you weak. This makes you a kind, loving, compassionate human being. Just remember how far you have already come. It takes someone with a ton of inner strength to stand up for themselves. You are one strong mama. You will get through this.

(((Nature girl)))

I am here to hold you up as you have held me up in these hard days.

We all have to get the hurt, anger and loss out of our system.

Remember that your SAWH is fighting just to fight, to see if he can break you. Let all your crying out now, before the trial.

On trial day, make sure you have all your emotions in check. Wear a stength ring, or pull out that paper of what he did to you and get mad.

My SAWH spent $45k on his lawyer so the judge could tell him all along that I was getting CS, 1/2 his wealth because of a 20 + year marriage and I am the custodial parent and I have a good paying job.

Let him try. Its his NPD showing thru, and you know what else your SAWH is going to find out that the law says the income in both houses must be "equalized to what the children were accustomed to when you were together".

Take heart, all will be well.

My sincere prayers are with you. God will provide, he is on your side and knows the truth.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 5:23 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

My answer to the question, "how did you get through all that? How did you cope?" Was: what else could I do?
This was in reference to my baby girl spending the first 3 months of her life in a hospital while her twin sister was at home.
I got through it because there was no other choice.
You dig deep down and find the strength somewhere. Somehow it all works out.
I think the same thinking can apply here.
Let yourself cry. It's a release.
At least it is for me.
You will be ok. You have to be. There is no other option.
Tons of hugs nature girl.
It's going to be ok.

Oh sweetie, I wish I could give you a real hug and send you off for a nap. ((NG))

Everything you describe is because of STRESS - it is killing you. Figure out what works for you to relieve stress. Google ideas - there are a lot of cheap and easy, healthy things - yoga breathing, long walks, playing with pets, something fun with kids, a glass of wine or hot chocolate, etc. You need a period of time to focus on nothing but relaxing, then get a good night's sleep and go from there. You're locked into this cycle of stress and you need to find a way to give yourself a breather. Seriously, it's really important for your mental and physical health. Call a friend, get a sitter, take care of YOU.

((NG))

[This message edited by kernel at 5:31 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

((((((HUGS))))))) NG!!!

Sweetie, your post just broke my heart. I wanted so badly to be able to hug you in person and let you just cry and cry and cry. Crying is your souls way of starting the healing and relieving the pressure of too much emotion.

You've got this. You really, truly do. So what if Dirtbag and his L make you cry. Do you think the judge will think better of them because they bullied a woman and made her cry? No.

One day at a time sweetie. Or one hour, or one minute, or one second. Whatever it takes. You've come SO far! This is the homestretch.

We're all holding you. Lean on us.

(((Nature_Girl)))

(((((NG)))))

Stress is doing this to you. Fear of an outcome that you have no control over (trial). Deep breaths.

You are going to be okay.

Do you hear me???

You are already so much better off without that crazy ass piece of shit in your life. You remember that crazy mother-fucker...the one that hid shit, that you didn't want to fix drapery rods for fear of what he'd say (if i remember that correctly), what about the nasty keyboards...desk...all the weird shit you've found...

Deep breaths.
You are so much better off.

Take life minute by minute NG...you are going to make it.

Nature_Girl ... I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! I want to help you someway ... I wish I could ... I feel so helpless. Everyone has embraced you and lifted you!! I want to join them!

Cry sweetie cry! We ALL need a good cry! Let it out. It hurts ... it fucking hurts. You may not feel it now but WE ALL know how incredibly brave and strong you are! Take deep breaths. What you provide for your children can NEVER be bought!! Remember that. You are giving them YOU! You are going to instill values, life skills ... you are their moral compass. You are amazing! YOU KNOW THIS!!

I don't know what time zone you are in so I hope you ARE sleeping and I hope you feel a tiny bit better tomorrow. Hugs and support!!! dmari

Huge, huge, hugs:

((((((((((N_G)))))))))))))

You can do this. You are strong. You give so many of us hope and wonderful advice. It's okay to be overwhelmed. You wouldn't be a normal, caring being if this whole effed up situation didn't get to you.

But you've got this, and we're here for you.

Lots and lots of hugs to you girl.

I've been thinking about the negotiating part too. Like maybe I'm supposed to be offering a settlement agreement to get this over with? Perhaps you can talk to your lawyer about this. It might help get your head organized to put down exactly what you want..

You are a gem Nature_Girl. You have been responsible for so much of my healing on here. So many of my laughs and epiphanies have been from your posts, so please know how amazing I think you are.

(((((((NG)))))))

NG,

(((hugs)))

Don't worry about the Disney Dad stuff. The kids will know what is going on. My first divorce (no cheating, just x who had major peter pan syndrome). Their dad lavished tons of gifts for Christmas, trips to Hawaii, doing fun stuff when he had them. I on the other hand, was broke, he would be months behind on CS. It was tough. My girls are adults now. They love their dad, but continue to tell me that they knew he was trying to buy them off with all the stuff. These were kids under 10 when this started. Your kids will know what a great mom you are and what you are doing (more important than any gift) to love them, protect them, and raise them to be outstanding adults.

You got this NG!

(((((NG)))))

It sounds like you are falling apart - do you need me to bring some caulk over to help glue you back together?

Cry, the caulk is waterproof...and the crying releases toxins from your system. Since your lessening your exposure to toxins ... it's a good thing you're crying. Get it all out.

You have done so much for so long with so little.. and it is almost over... hang in there... we will be here for you, supporting you and loving you.

He can go suck the end of my caulk gun.

Hugs,

K

This is the toughest part and you are one tough Mother.
I agree with setting aside a time limit for tears. When the time is up, compartmentalize.
Are you able to see a doctor for possible ADs or sleep aid to get over this hump?
The Bounce Back book is a quick pick me up that has helped me during dark days.