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mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 17:11 PM

I'm looking for advice. 6 years ago this September I was engaged to my now husband and I had a one time affair with his sisters husband. I felt horrible immediately and told my now husband and through a lot of work have moved on. The four of us each of children now and it's something the 3 of us never speak of. Well my brother in law never told his wife. And about a month and a half ago her and I went out by ourselves and I had way too many drinks and somehow I let the cat out of the bag. Well, she has now put a lot of "rules" on our lives- such as I can't be at any family functions and I can't take my son to his baseball practices or go to his games (our children play for same league). We have not spoken since that evening. I know it was wrong and 6 years ago. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do or say to her? Or should I just continue to let us all be cut out of each others lives?

ungracie posted 4/25/2013 17:23 PM

Maybe posting in wayward would be of more help to you.

It might have been 6 years ago for the three of you, it just happened 1 1/2 months ago to your sister in law.

Your SIL has been dealt a huge emotional blow. She was betrayed by not only her husband but by two other family members. It is understandable that she is circling the wagons around what remains.

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 17:37 PM

You don't have any say in how she chooses to make rules, it might be 'just six years' to you, but to her it is 'just six weeks' new.

You might at one time have been her sister in law and friend, however, now you are the OW & she may never want to hear from you, see you or have anything to do with you, your H and your kids.

It's her choice.

[This message edited by Lucky at 5:37 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 17:54 PM

@Lucky: so are you saying I have no right going to any family functions anymore?

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 18:00 PM

Sweetie, that one is tricky. It will seem odd to other family members that you, your H and kids suddenly stop coming to things, or even just you.

She may not want to involve family in this & if she opts not to... I guess you'd really do best to respect her rules.

Right now you are public enemy number one and she probably hates your guts and wouldn't care if you died in a fiery crash. She's been traumatized by three people who are supposed to love her best, the very last thing she wants is to see you, and worst, to see you and her H in the same room. Her triggers will go through the roof.

I can't tell you what to do.. just giving you some feedback from family dynamics that have played out here on SI in the past.

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 18:08 PM

Thank you....and that is the problem. Everyone keeps asking why we aren't there or aren't going to things...

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 18:20 PM

I gather that your families are close and do a lot of things together?

The next major thing coming up that you are probably expected to attend would be Mothers Day?

If I was you, I'd be proactive now - like hours ago & make other solid plans now. Unbreakable plans. As in make reservations at your favorite restaurant or someplace you've always wanted to go (do it now it's the busiest day of the year), and after that plan on doing something else, like visit a garden, a zoo, take a cruise... anything that is solid and won't be changed for the family.

When the discussions start going around about who's doing what, when & where have your H step up and tell them "I (your H) decided to treat mamafox to a brunch at XYZ and take the family to _____). It must sound like this is something you've always wanted to do and this is his treat to you.

ungracie posted 4/25/2013 18:23 PM

Your SIL, right now..feels betrayed by her WHOLE family.

I understand her need to draw lines..and draw them sternly and firmly. She is trying to figure out if ANYONE is on her side.

The last 6 years of her life..has been based on having those closest to her..conspire together..to keep her in the dark. Just imagine..how foolish she feels right now. Just imagine..that she feels she doesnt even have her brother to turn to.

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 18:36 PM

Now that a little time has passed since she found out should I attempt to talk to her....?

authenticnow posted 4/25/2013 18:38 PM

Please use the duplicate thread in the Wayward forum.

Mamafox, You have a PM.