My original story is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=493170
It's been just over 2 months since D-Day and the day my stbxw left. I told her not to contact me 2 weeks ago, she hasn't. Truth is, she never really made an attempt anyway. She just vanished out of my life without warning into the arms of OM.
So, The divorce papers are ready for me to sign. Part of me doesn't want to sign them. Giving up on it, letting it go. It hurts it hurts it hurts, all I need to do is let it go but I'm conflicted. A part of me doesn't want to let it go. Her go. Even though she let go and doesn't want to come back.
I know in my head that I don't want her back but I can't let her go in my heart. This step makes it truly and completely final and a piece of me doesn't want to accept that, or can't accept that yet. I do have an appointment set up for Wednesday to sign them.
I feel like I'm completely alone. I feel that I'm doing this divorce by myself.
I told her not to contact me, she is doing that, very well. Following instructions. She wanted a divorce from D-day, this is exactly the plan she put in place. No remorse, no apologies, no closure, no nothing.
I feel like I'm divorcing a ghost.
She may as well have died. It's like our life never existed, it was all a dream. No contact from her, from her family.
I'm crushed. I'll never be the same again, this has changed me forever and I don't know exactly how yet. It will unfold in time. Time that 4 letter word on everyone's lips. She vanished into her fantasy world and I'm closing up the shop.
I have no ground under my feet, nothing to hold onto and a part of me is truly gone forever. I can feel the emptiness inside me, it begs to be whole again. I feel as if I'm dreaming or in a trance, vaguely aware of the world around me. I long for something solid to hold onto, something that will shake me from this dream. I long for the part of me that's been torn out unceremoniously. Left to the dogs. Shivering on the wet pavement gasping for breath.
I find no solace. No comfort in anything really, not for very long. I forget a lot of things all day long. I'm scattered and listless. Energy sapped and drained out. I have no idea how long this will last either, this stage. No way of knowing when change will come. I only know that it will come. Change is the one thing I can trust, the one thing I can count on. Always lurking behind me with a knife in one hand and flowers in the other. You'll never know which one he'll hand you, only that you have to take what's given.
So strange this feeling. It's all consuming but unknowable. It can't be explained or understood unless experienced. There are no words to do it justice.
I'm on zoloft, I'm in therapy but nothing much helps me these days. I'm trying not to make sense of it because there is no sense to be made. I'm haunted by it though, haunted by detached memories of a life that no longer exists. It's all so strange.